The Perfect Submissive Guy Blog Title

Stage six of the well-known stages of BDSM growth, is the “Partner Search” stage. For the submissive that means beginning an active search for a dominant to submit to and to fill that often intense longing, “I want to be trained.”

For novice submissive males, stage six is the next step in the logical progression from the previous five stages: discovery, over coming fears, the first steps of exploration, reaching out to other like-minded lifestyle people and finding reconciliation with their submissive feelings. Stage six for others, like me, currently without a dominant partner, is one that must be re-visited from time to time.

It has been just more than a year since my last D/s relationship ended. These in-between times can be difficult and frustrating for the male submissive. Growth and development are difficult to achieve outside the context of an ongoing relationship and there is of course an emptiness felt by a submissive without a dominant to submit to.

Two Paths

Responses to the droughts between lifestyle relationships can take one of two paths. The intense feelings of need and desire to belong to a Domme can cause you to become so outwardly focused on a search for someone to fulfill those needs that desperation soon sets in. I have noticed this is very common among novice male subs.

If you peruse BDSM sites, including this one, that offer a personal advertisement facility, you will notice that the same subs respond to every advertisement posted by a Domme seeking a submissive. This is counter-productive on a number of levels.

First, it smacks of desperation. Desperation is not an endearing trait to most people, including dominant women. Second, how could one expect to be taken seriously by a Domme when they apply to ever dominant woman in sight? Finally, successful BDSM relationships depend upon partnerships between two individuals with sufficient common interests and expectations to make the partnership compelling and fulfilling for both partners. Thus, not just any Domme will do for every sub just as not every sub will do for every Domme.

A Better Way

Certainly belonging to and serving a fabulous, confident and creative Domme is the preference of every submissive male and that includes me. But with the peaks of BDSM experiences also come the valleys. The reality is that dominants come and go. To me, the more productive way to deal with and get through the emptiness of the in-between times is to focus inwardly and find creative ways to keep in touch with my submissive nature.

Internal Focus

I have learned over time that it is important for me to spend time learning and digesting the varied aspects of my submissive nature beyond how they relate to another person. The in-between periods need not be barren, desert-like experiences. They can actually be productive times. While perhaps more difficult and less spectacular than might be experienced within the context of a relationship, it is possible to experience growth during the times I am without a dominant partner.

My gift of submission is not invalidated by the fact that it is not currently being accepted by anyone. Being an unattached submissive is a bit like the experience of unrequited love, but it doesn’t have to be a completely negative circumstance unless you allow it to take on that characterization.

It is true that we need a partner to express the deeper dynamics of the D/s relationship, yet just as in other areas of life, we can also explore much of our natures on our own. The goal of the unattached submissive should be grow in knowledge about himself and the lifestyle so that he will be even better prepared when he finds a partner to explore his submissive nature and a power exchange relationship with.

Self-Inflicted BDSM

Self-inflicted BDSM is an alternative mental approach that can help a submissive male to get through the in-between times. Just as masturbation helps us to learn about our sexual selves, self-inflicted BDSM can provide opportunities to explore and learn more about our kinky tendencies.

The more I am able to understand and define those things I find fulfilling and meaningful in the expression of my submission, the better prepared I am for choosing a compatible dominant partner to share a satisfying relationship with. For example, what degree of pain do I find tolerable and enjoyable? Do I connect the BDSM activities I enjoy with my sexuality or are they independent? Exploring alone, can to a degree help satisfy some of my physical and emotional needs and keep me in touch with my submissive nature.

Self-inflicted BDSM, during periods between a partner, while perhaps not optimal, need not be unproductive. There are three different areas of self-inflicted BDSM that I personally find fertile ground for exploration and growth opportunities - punishment, bondage and orgasm denial.

Many BDSM experiences can easily be simulated when alone. Self-punishment is one of the easiest. All that is needed are a few toys, your own naked body and a little imagination. CBT and nipple torture are easy to do and can be an excellent means of exploring your pain tolerance and discovering what degrees of pain you find erotic.

It is also simple to engage in self-flagellation with floggers, similarly to how early Christians once did to experience endorphin ecstasy. In fact it is the means by which many dominants perfect their own flogging techniques. You can flog your own back, striking either over the shoulders or by wrapping around the sides. Paddles and crops may also be used on the bottom, upper thighs and inner thighs. Crops also can be used on the frontal side, on the inner thighs and genitals.

While waiting for a Domme to claim me, I often explore activities that I am not completely familiar with that a dominant might wish me to experience (eg., hot wax play, various clamps, assorted bondage techniques). While it isn’t safe to completely immobilize yourself during self-bondage experimentation, utilizing mental bondage can be an excellent way of developing mental self-control. Confining yourself (but not locking yourself) in a cage or closet for a certain amount of time are good ways to experiment with mental bondage.

Other easy activities to explore alone include ice edge-play and anal training. Many times the novice submissive and even a fair number of experienced ones, are new to anal penetration. I know that personally, before I was introduced to BDSM play, I had never had anything larger than a finger inserted into my anus. Expanding both your horizons and the size of your anal opening are as easy as obtaining and using a variety of anal plugs and toys and experimenting with different diameters, shapes and lengths. This can pay huge dividends down the road by lessening any pain or discomfort should you find yourself the property of a Domme who enjoys the dynamics of strap-on use.

Orgasm denial is one of my long-standing interests and teasing myself to edges with masturbation and then enduring a few days of horniness without release is a great way I have found to extend my ability to receive intense genital stimulation without climaxing, an ability that every male submissive needs to master.

In conclusion, cultivate patience during those in-between times. Patience is an uncommon virtue in the disposable, fast-food, instant-gratification society we now live in, but one every unattached, male submissive should cultivate. The reality is we will all, more often than we care to think about, find ourselves without a dominant partner.

Rather than allowing desperation to set in, instead of hastily responding to every advertisement for a submissive we find or accosting female dominants in chat rooms with whom we have not the slightest acquaintance, learn how to get through in-between periods more positively and productively. Spend those times focusing on the internal rather than the external. Learn more about yourself as a sub and learn those things that will prepare you to become the type of submissive every dominant woman would be proud to own.