Having recently returned to the Library after a lengthy absence I've already noticed some striking differences between then and now. As one example, the actual forums don't seem to be used much now when in comparison, in the past any time you signed in there might be as many as a dozen new posts to read and discuss. Also, it seems at least from the few people I've met so far, the chat rooms seem to be what everyone is focused on now.

The question posed as the title of this post is one that has occurred to me. Any interested dominant, submissive or switch of course, is welcome to provide your take on it. I'd appreciate hearing opinions or experiences from anyone willing to share them.

Assuming you haven't read my initial blog post, my background in BDSM and D/s is real life for the most part. Just recently my first online relationship experience ended so I freely admit to having a rather limited view of it. I've had some rather interesting conversations with a few submissive women here that have piqued my curiosity and given rise to the question I have posed here. How do you play online? I'm interested primarily in the structure of it.

Clearly I may be making some incorrect assumptions. That of course often happens where assumptions are concerned. But the drift I am getting is that most people here seem to participate in the chat rooms. The play they have described seems to center on that. So at least to me it sounds something like a Second Life Virtual World experience or sort of like the old school IRC BDSM experience.

As one example, at least how I'm imagining it, a dominant and submissive decide to play, either in a chat room or perhaps in private chat. The dominant gives the submissive some kind of command, to kneel perhaps. She then types *Kneels submissively with her eyes downcast showing proper respect to Sir* or something along those lines. Maybe she actually kneels or does not but that isn't really what I'm getting at. My point is it just seems like a virtual role play activity. Not that there is anything wrong with it if the individuals involved have fun with it and/or find it meaningful, but frankly that just doesn't hold any appeal for me. It must be said that chat rooms aren't really my thing anyway and perhaps that is a part of it. Just for me personally, what I have described brings to mind those Gor chat rooms that were once exceedingly popular where the slave girls had to memorize and be able to perform the things called serves.

Another possibility that has occurred to me is perhaps it is simply like sex chat, the text version of phone sex only with a D/s theme and some kink thrown in. The dominant telling a submissive what he would be doing if he were actually with her in person and her reporting what the thought of that does for her. Again, nothing against sexy chat or phone sex for that matter but not really what my view of online D/s interaction is about given my, albeit limited, experience.

Having no previous online experience to draw on, with my first, my approach online was to simply to try create as much as possible a real life type scene or experience, within of course the obvious limitations of the environment. My former submissive and I began chatting and playing on IM. But it was never role playing. It never occurred to me to type something like "With an implacable, steely gaze I tell you sternly with a sneer to strip and kneel before me." It was far more direct than that. Likewise she never typed back something like *Blushing profusely, tossing hair defiantly, I strip and kneel naked before you* In other words it was all very real. Knowing her limits and respecting them, I told her to do what I knew she would be willing to do and she did it. I expected nothing less and it didn't occur to her that I wasn't serious about what I wanted.

It was at times a little clumsy with having only text to use but it still had the smack of realism. At times I suppose it took on the character of sex chat. I enjoy writing BDSM erotica and sometimes I'd have a story arc in mind and it would become pretty much the familiar "if I were there I'd be doing this to you right now" kind of thing. But we had already worked out in advance that if I said for example, "Right now I'm taking your nipple between my thumb and finger and pulling and twisting it cruelly" she knew I wanted her to perform the action described since of course I wasn't there to do it myself. It wasn't exactly the same experience but the sensations were there. She may have been doing the actual pulling and twisting but she was doing it at my behest and there was definitely the feeling on her part of having her nipple pulled and twisted as I had described it and so realism was involved in it.

Once we became better acquainted, once trust was established, once feelings blossomed we moved on from IM chats to Skype, web cameras and texting by phone. That made things even more real. I found that you could actually have an experience very close to a real life scene using Skype since we could actually see each other and talk to each throughout the scene without the distraction of typing. The only real difference was not being able to touch or apply a nipple clamp, insert an anal plug or wield a crop myself. I still had to rely on her to carry out the physical elements of my intentions but still it was satisfyingly real for us both.

Everyone has different tastes. I'm not disparaging what anyone else likes or enjoys, I'm simply curious about how far my limited perspectives on online play and even online D/s relationships might be off in comparison to the views of others here. I do feel that when I feel ready to play with someone new online and have the opportunity, I'd still want it to be as real as possible, not just a role playing moment or some kinky, sexy pretending. Maybe I'm being unrealistic. How do you approach it? Is it just a little good kinky fun to pass the time? or -- Do you actually get your Dom itch scratched? Do you actually have some really significant, meaningful submissive experiences? My previous approach sustained a 15-month online relationship but of course others may be able to shed some light on equally workable and successful strategies from their experiences with online.

Any comments or opinions would be most appreciated as I'm simply still sorting this whole online thing. My previous experience with it seemed to suggest some really intense and meaningful D/s interactions can be had online. But at least for me, to achieve that I need the reality piece to it for it to work. So for now at least, welcome to the Desert of the Real.

Cheers,
S