Hello all, I am interested in learning about the motivations involved in BDSM in particular the Master and Slave aspect of it. I will admit my motivations for this inquiry are most likely quite a bit different then most, as I have no intention of engaging in the community or any specific act. The reason for my inquiry is actually due to the absolutely visceral nature in which i negatively react to the idea of being involved in a M/S relationship. I know this may seem counter intuative but I have often found trying to understand those things that I am viscerally opposed to has been a catalyst for great personal growth and acceptance. I apologize if this is not the correct place to inquire about these types of questions but my psychological research has only taken me so far and I thought it best to hear from those in the community so as to gain a better understanding of the culture and the reasons behind it. Before getting in to the meat of my questions I would like to give a little background about myself so as to give more context to my motivations. I am a MTF or (Male to Female) Trans person on the verge of starting hormones, (and to just add this as well I am not PC and I cannot stand SJW's). I was sexually and emotionally abused through most of my childhood and abandoned and disowned at the age of 18. I have been nearly homeless 4 seperate times, but have managed to work my way through completing my 4 year BA in Business Management from a high ranking State Univiersity and am currently making a decent living as a Vaulation Analyst for a real estate company. Unfortunately as a result of past trauma i suffer from severe depersonalization and PTSD as well as other comorbities at least from what my therapist says. So I am by no means a pillar of mental health but I have made a life I am proud of and for the most part happy with. The reason I bring this up is due to my curiousity with possible child hood experiences effecting our sexual attitude later in life, in my case I had not had sex until 26 but in the two years since I have been quite permiscuous in my sex behavior having 17 different partners, I am not sure if this is possibly due to prior abuse or just a high sex drive. But I was curious if there might be any correlation between BDSM and specific childhood experiences, please keep in mind this is just a supposition, and one I would love to receive any and all feedback on. My next question and one that should hopefully be a bit more cogent is directed more toward those on the submissive end and is perhaps the biggest question I have. I understand the want to be submissive sexually as I find being sexually controlled in a firm but respectful way to be one of the most liberating feelings in my life, and it has done wonders to heal some of the sexual damage from my childhood. But as someone who desires and works toward my individual freedoms I cannot fathom giving any control of who I am to anyone, let alone full control to someone. I understand that what I may say next may come across as somewhat vitrolic and perhaps offensive, if this is indeed the case I apologize as the following will most likely show some of the viscerality of my emotional reaction and is not meant as an attack on how people live there lives, it is merely meant to show case my current thoughts on the matter and to promote discussion and hopefully an addressal of these emotionally skewed thoughts by those who are experienced in the community. Now disclaimer aside I cannot for the life of me understand the idea of giving up complete agency to another person and seperately I cannot understand the concept of punishment and degradation and humiliation, this to me shows a complete lack of self respect and personal worth and is an ultimately destructive practice for the one receiving such treatment. And as someone who has had to endured unjust pain, punishment, abuse and humiliation, and has actively worked to fight back against these kind of behaviors. I emotionally find the practice of it to be self destructive idiocy from people who don't truly understand how much these type of behaviors warp and damage the person's sense of agency and sense of self worth. And if I am to be quite frank it brings out abit of my psychopathic rage that has been built up as a result of trauma. As it makes me want to smack the shit out of people who engage in this type of behavior, as internally I want to keep anyone from ever having to endure that kind of pain. Given the fact that I know I would not quantify as a qoute un qoute "normal" person I am still very interested in any response the community would be willing to give as to some of there own motivations for some of these actions, as I very much would like to gain a better understanding of the reasons behind the community and hopefully arrive at a more knowledgable and healthier of understanding of the community and its practices as a whole.

Thank you for your time and any feedback you would be willing to give
SageoftheFourWinds