I hope this is the right area to post my question. I am fairly new to these forums. Very new, actually. But I've taken some time to look over the different posts and discussions, mainly by fellow submissives. I haven't read absolutely all of them, but I've at least learnt that there's a supposed distinction to be made between abuse and BDSM.

But I have come across a kind of quandary and I was hoping that some of you might be able to enlighten me. I have personally never been in a Master/slave relationship, though I long for one like it. I'm not wanting to rush into anything, mind you. I realize that trust must be earned, and I know there's a fine line between fantasy and reality. The problem I face is that my fantasies seem to be particularly violent. This is a serious issue, at least to me, because in the wrong hands it could end very badly. I can't stop thinking about being forced to do what someone else, preferably someone older and stronger than I am, orders me to on a regular basis. I think about being controlled, humiliated, insulted, ridiculed, intimidated, spit on, physically assaulted, beaten, strangled, sliced up, made to puke, maybe even stabbed or impaled and forced to perform degrading sex acts even when I don't want to--basically all what most people might call abuse. I could go on, but I'll just say that spanking and whipping are just too vanilla for me for some reason I can't explain, and according to some posts I've read, or from what I've understood anyway, the kind of treatment that I want is supposed to be a big no-no as consent plays a big role in a BDSM lifestyle. But what if I'm consenting to being forced and abused even when I'm not consenting in the particular moment, if you understand what I mean? It's basically this fantastical idea I have that someone hates me, wants to own me and wants to see me suffer for their own enjoyment that turns me on. I can't get off thinking about anything else.

I know it can be dangerous. I'm very well aware of the fact that there's a lot of people out there who might want to take advantage of someone like me. I could be killed, right? I've taken that into consideration, which is why I thought a safe place like this might be able to help me out. I'm just not sure if there's anyone out there who would be comfortable with this kind of stuff and also know how to stop when they have to. Please don't think I'm making this up or that I'm trying to pretend for whatever reason. Is anyone else out there like me? Are there any people out there who get off to this like I do, but on the sadistic side?