This board seems great. I'd love to join in.

I've only posted 2 stories, one a dog and one decent, and I'd like to avoid that "Oh, Jesus. I wish I hadn't done that." feeling a second time.
I've got a 1 chapter setup for a new Femdom, but the opening is straight action story.
When I write I have a bad habit of patting myself on the shoulder and telling my self how great it is. My self criticism is a little tainted by wish forfillment, while my reality tends to encounter too many rude awakenings.
I'm happy with it, except for 1 dialog near the end. (Between Talig and Lydia.)
I wonder if somebody could take a look at it and tell me to can it or keep on scribling or rework it.
Thanks, TG Opps, it's below!



Tales of Rome 3: The Beginning of Avalon




Chapter 1
Debts to be Paid



Talig and Lydia and 4 of the men were in town, and Lydia was looking at clothe to buy for winter cloaks.
Lydia dropped the clothe, ran into the middle of the market, and started screaming at a man. Talig didn't know what happened. "What is she doing?" The men followed her, confused.
"Do you know me!"
The man in the middle of the market looked at her like she was a crazy women, slightly alarmed by this women who came out of nowhere to shout at him. He pushed her out the way, and he and his men continued on.
She recovered, and leaped back in front of him, "Do You Know Me!"
He went to push her aside again, but she was more collected now, and deflected the arm a little upward, while slipping under it. "DO YOU KNOW ME!"
"No, I don't know you, you crazy bitch!"
"You went to the Goths. You bought slaves there. I am one of the slaves you bought!"
Talig and the men collectively thought, "Oh Gods, she's going to do it."
She did a straight strike directly to the carotid instead of a slash, and instead of pulling out and spinning away, she stayed there with her arm extended and the blade held in place in his throat. He did the usual grab for the throat and managed to get the dagger out. In a few heart beats he was on the ground dead and she was standing over him, glaring down in hatred at him.
The 2 groups of men stood staring at each other. It wasn't cowardice. It was more like a man with a coping saw in his hand looking at a 2X4 he had to cut, and thinking, "I have to get a bigger saw." The Aquitani men wanted to wipe these crazy people who had just killed their Chieftain's son off the face of the earth, but they weren't sure if they had enough to get the job done and get the Chieftains son back to the Chieftain. They gathered up the dead man, and backed our of the plaza. At the same time Talig grabbed the girl and shoved her behind the men - not too gently - reflecting his anger at the girl, and they too backed out of the plaza. Both groups starring at each other the whole time as they backed away.
Talig bust into the atrium. Salidia was with the steward. "She did it again! And this time EVERYBODY SAW IT!"
"You can write," he said, pointing to a table in the corner. "You make a message to Selenius and tell him to get his ass down here, or we're all dead men."
Ever since Salidia had hired Talig, he had been respectful to her. Now he burst in here giving her orders.........and she DID EXACTLY WHAT HE TOLD HER TO DO!
"You tell him to send his equites (cavalry) down here first, or we'll all be crossing Styx by the time he gets here. And tell him those equites better be dragging the mastiffs(The original "Dogs of War.")behind them because we're going to need all the help we can get till the centurions get here."
Jabbing the paper with his finger, he said, "You make the marks here telling him it was the Aquitani from the south of the village so he knows what happened if we're all dead by the time he gets here."
His men had all crowded in to the room by then. He turned to them, "Who can ride?" All of them could bounce along on the back of a farm horse, but only a few were trained to sit a wheeling horse and effectively wield a sword. The 5 mercenaries all raised their hands.
Talig waved his arm at a another group near the door. "Get the horses ready."
"Cetus, as soon as she gets that message done, you get it to Selenius, and tell him to move his ass. Take the horse you think is fastest. And Cetus, if he's off in the countryside chasing barbarians, than find a temple and pray for us because we'll all be on the shores of Hades by then." "Atus, as soon as she's finished making the message, get her to Selenius camp." "Pesphene, get her (pointing to Lydia) to Selenius now." Lydia shouted, "Talig, I must stand by Salidia." Talig stopped a moment. That was a true thing she said. Lydia was obligated to defend her Mistress to the death. "Atus, Pesphene, wait till the message is done and take them both to Selenius."
"Well, that takes care of all the horses. Anyone who wants to try to ride out of here on the back of a cow is welcome. Titus, Lucius, get the slaves out of the stables (The original stables had be converted into slave quarters when Salidia first bought the villa) and drive them north down the road. Tell them they are free. I want to get them out of here. I don't want them to join up with the Aquitani when they get here. Make sure you drive them away. If any of them hang around, kill them."
Putting his arm around the man, he said, "Caius, old friend, we'll make our stand in the stable. It has the thickest walls, the windows are barred, it's long and narrow, and the roof has been reinforced to keep the slaves from breaking out and escaping. We'll make them crowd into that narrow room and fight us back for every inch of it. Get the women and small children to the back. Put the boys big enough to wield a sword in front, and give them any spare weapons you have. When we go down, they can defend their mothers and sisters as best they can. Tell them to work as teams. Set up what barricades you can. I'd like to fight them one man at a time if I could. Take Aerilius and Rufus and set the place up as best you can."
"I wish some of you had the good sense to become archers instead of swordsman. Didn't I see somebody out hunting rabbits?" Gadius half heartedly raised his hand. "Ah, Gadius, can you shoot one of those things without accidentally shooting me in the ass? That a man! Set up a platform as high as you can in the back of the stables. Shoot over our heads into the Aquitani. Do the best you can on arrows." (Winking at the man he said, "And Gadius, try not to shoot any of us in the ass."
"I don't know, some of you have got pretty big asses."
"Not many of us left. Marcus, you're going to have to run to the houses and tell the women to get themselves and their children to the stable. Tell them to bring any weapons in the house to the stables with them. Some bread and water would be useful. But this isn't a picnic. I'm guessing 2 to 3 hours till they get here, but I want everybody inside within an hour, so it's what they and their children can gather up in their arms and that's it's. No back and forth for 2 trips. Don't miss anybody. Check every place you can. Check the outhouses in case somebody had plopped their asses down and is taking all day about it."
"Andeocene, I guess you've seen everybodys' weapons by now, and know where they all are. (Andeocene had the steadiest hand, and a lot of the men asked him to put the finishing touch on their weapons when they were sharpened.) See what weapons you can find in the villa, the torture room, the tack room. Check any place you can think of. Bring them to Caius in the stable. I want everyone in there in an hour. Don't get caught out here alone."
"My son. Today you will join the men and be a boy no longer. Bring my things back to Caius in the stables. Find yourself grieves and arm guards that fit the best you can. I'm going to the front wall to watch for the Aquitani. I'll be back when they're in sight." He leaned down to kiss the boy on the forehead. "Love you. Bring some water with you."
Three quarters of the way to soldier's camp, Salidia and the other 3 saw Selenius and his equites pounding down the road toward them. Cetus was way in the back bring up the rear on a spent horse. Selenius pulled up next to her. She pointed back down the road. Crying, she said, "Save them, Selenius." On fresh mounts, Selenius and his men galloped down the road. Salidia and the others followed behind him on their exhausted horses.
When Selenius got to the villa, the Aquitani Chieftain and 4 sub Chiefs were on a knoll overlooking the villa, watching their men below. Their mounts were fresher than Selenius's and they escaped. About 340 of the Aquitani vassals were in the villa. They were crowded around a long narrow building trying to fight their way in through a single doorway, so most were milling around outside. Some had a large table they were trying to use as a battering ram to break in the back wall. Selenius had gotten there just in time to prevent them from breaking through the roof. His men had no problem cutting the Aquitani down.
` The next day he would march 4 cohorts south of the village and razed their land, killing all the men he could find, and taking the women and slaves captive. Some of the Aquitani were mounted and had a long head start, so they escaped. These included the Chieftains.
The matter of justice was simple for Selenius. The world consisted of Romans and barbarians. These people had attacked a Roman citizen. Worse, they had attacked a Patrician, and that decided that. But the issue was never in doubt: Salidia was his friend. He would awarded Salidia their forfeit land and slaves. The women were sold. He told Talig the defense was excellent and congratulated him on it.
In the stable, Gadius lay dead in the back with 2 arrows in him. He was killed fairly early on when the Aquitani at the door shouted that there was an archer shooting them from the back of the building. Two Aquitani with bows were found and they were able to stand at the doorway and shoot him over the heads of their men. They stayed at the edges of the doorway and rained arrows into the back for the rest of the fight. 2 women, 4 children, 7 older boys were dead back there, another 3 of the older boys were wounded. The older boys had tried to protect their mothers and sisters from the arrows with shields, and many were mowed down as the stood in front of their families. One Aquitani would shoot at a family member to the side of the boy, and the second Aquitani would shoot the boy when he reached over with his shield to try to protect his mother or sister or younger brother.
When Salidia and Lydia arrived at the villa they found Andeocene outside. He had made it back in time, but was the last man in, and he turned to stand in front of the doorway, next to Caius. They were the first men to face the Aquitani, and these two men had stood longest at the center of the fight, filling the doorway with dead Aquitani before the Aquitani got a foothold inside. When Andoeocene was wounded, one of the Aquitani managed to grab his arm guard and they pulled him out.
When Salidia entered the building, she found Talig sitting on the floor with Caius cradled in his lap. Caius had stood at the center of the defenses he had erected inside the building, with Andeocene at his side. Aerilius lay dead nearby. When Caius was wounded, Aerilius had bend down to try to pull his friend to safety. It was a dangerous move to bend down like that, and he didn't make it.
Salidia knelt down beside him. Caius was dead but Talig talked to him, "Who will I argue with now, old friend? Who will I talk with at night about the old times?" Caius had been Salidia's favorite of the men. He was the second fastest man there and he spend long, patient hours practicing with Salidia and Lydia. When the Phoenicians had attacked them on the galley a year ago, it had been Caius who stood over her and protected her during the fight. She put her hand on Talig's arm. "I'll take care of him for you." Talig got up, bent over and put his hand on the man's shoulder. "Good bye, for now, my friend."
Talig walked to the back and stooped down to Gadius. "I gave you bad advice, my friend. I sent you to your death and I didn't mean that to happen. I sorry for that, Gadius. I hope you can forgive me. But you did good. You killed 5 of them, and left others with only 1 arm to use. Pretty good for a rabbit hunter. You killed the man who killed Caius, and then the one that bent over to get Aerilius and I am forever in your debt for that." He brushed the hair from Gadius face and closed his eyes.
On the way back, he stopped and knelt by Aerilius. He stroked the man's cheek. "Such a loyal and true friend. He was my friend too. Thank you for what you did."
When he walked outside, he saw Lydia sitting at the bottom of a door by the wall. Andeocene hung with his arms hooked over the back of the door. The Aquitani had hoisted him up on the door, and stabbed him hundreds of times. Lydia sat at the bottom of the door, with Andeocene's foot held to her face, crying. Her first day with these men, it was Andeocene who had sharpened her knife for her. He always sharpened her knife for her. He was the one who always got her the things she needed. She always felt he took care of her. When they would all gather at night to talk, besides Talig, she would most often sit down on the ground beside him and lay her head against his leg as she listened to the men talk. Caius was her second favorite. Fast Caius, he was so patient with her, spending hour after hour practicing with her. Instead of complaining, he would offer jokes and things to make her laugh.
He walked over to her.
"Oh, Talig, it's all my fault."
"No one blames you, girl. We all love you. You made a mistake of youth, because you're young. I don't blame a child for being childish, and I don't blame you for being young. When I was young I killed a man for knocking over my cup of wine, and another for splashing mud on a new cloak. You killed a man for selling a child into slavery. How badly do you think I can judge you."
"We love you for the open, warm heart you brought to us all. You have been the one who brought us all together. We love you for your heart, and no one blames you that heart is young."
He cupped her chin in his hand and looked her in the eyes, "You'll live, and you'll cry for this. And tomorrow you'll look at all of us and see us all differently, and love all more deeply. And you'll think of the men who wronged you differently. Tomorrow you'll have a different heart than the one you had when you killed that man. Tomorrow you will be less young, and wiser." He kissed her on the forehead.
"Go inside; they need you there. Caius, Aerilius and Gadius are dead and they need your help. When she heard Caius's name, she fell to the ground sobbing. He leaned over and touched her shoulder. "Help me with Andeocene. Go in the back and cut his arms free, and I'll hold him here. I'll bring him into the villa. Then go to the stable. There are people wounded, there are the dead who need our attention. Go help them."
Salidia and Talig sat in the villa later that night. They both knew there were debts to be paid. The wounded were owed care. The dead, honor, appreciation, respect and love. The survivors, love and compassion. And the men who did this owed a debt too that should be paid.
Lydia came in and looked at Talig. "Selenius killed all their men today, and tomorrow he will take all their land and possessions to give to Salidia. They will have nothing left. They're coming back, aren't they, Talig?"
He nodded his head, "Yes, for revenge."



Chapter 2

Council of War
or
Shootin Da Breeze Over a
Late Night Cup of Coffee