So, I'm a newbie...so new in fact I don't consider myself to be a part of the BDSM lifestyle yet, as I'm still learning.

But here's the thing:

I don't know about anyone else, but in my life, I have two sides. I have my private side, which is basically 'me', if you can understand what I'm saying. I'm generally soft spoken, calm, and I keep to myself for the most part. I'm not very comfortable around many people, and so often go quietly unnoticed unless I feel like I need to make myself heard. That being said, I'm stubborn to a fault and extrememly independent.

Publically is a different story.

I am a gymnastics teacher. I've had the same job for the last six years, and the company I work for deals with a lot of people who I would consider 'pillars' of the community. I teach the young children of police officers, attorneys, doctors, and so on and so forth. I literally cannot go anywhere without meeting one of my students and/or their parent(s).

I'm a role model. And I know this. And I'm perfectly okay with that. I have kids tell me all the time that they want to be just like their 'loud', 'fun', 'super smart' (my favorite, lol), 'funny', and 'pretty' coach. I play with these kids at work, and at home, and some of them I've watched grow up from toddlers, to the almost-teens they are now. It's crazy. But I love my job, I love my students, and I love their parents. I even babysit,housesit, and tutor for a lot of them.

My problem is...occasionally my personal side and my public side collide. Normally I wouldn't have an issue with that, I'm pretty much the same person except quieter and less rambunctious.

But I feel like I can't research or learn from my own community. Because I work with kids, I feel like my interest in BDSM would cause a lot of people to freak out, and I'm afraid it would jeapordize my relationships with my students.

Some of these kids don't have a whole lot of good, supportive authority(ish) figures to emulate. As sad as it is, sometimes they only have me, and the other coaches I work with.

It hadn't even occurred to me, except today I was in a book store looking at a 'The Loving Dominant' (I couldn't find the ones I was looking for, but I skimmed through that one), and one of my students, one of the ones I've known for years, comes running up to give me a hug. She wouldn't have known what the book was that I had on my lap, she's eight, but her parents would have, and they are extrememly conservative.

I'm not embarassed about my interest. And most often than not, my personal life stays separate from my public/professional life. But occasionally they do meet. And I'm scared that this would be the one thing that would meet my public life. If I didn't work with kids, I wouldn't be so uncertain, but I do, and that's not going to change.

Does anyone else feel this way? Or am I completely bonkers (which has been known to happen, ) Just wondering if I'm not the only one considering trips that would been out of my local community to find information and the BDSM scene. How do you deal with it?

Thanks for reading my ramble, and if this belongs elsewhere, let me know.

-Ravyn.