Hey all I need a little advice

[SUBtly_shy]

My master and I have a very busy life with kids, school and work. We have lived together for roughly 3 years and married just shy of one year. I'm feeling very frustrated with the BDSM portion of our relationship, I went to the trouble of finding a basic contract and editing it to suit our life style before our wedding and asked him to review it and edit it so that we could have a contract to represent the BDSM portion of our relationship. He hasn't taken the time to read or edit it 8 months after the wedding. Also it feels like the only time he brings up BDSM is during sex or when he doesn't want to do a reasonable share of the chores with the kids or house work that we had already discussed and agreed on. I'm really frustrated I want a more consistent home. I have tried asking nicely and behaving well but it doesn't seem to help. How should I handle this?

[delish]

Hi- it sounds like a very difficult predicament to be sure.

I would start by explaining to him that his failure to share in the household duties as agreed upon is a breach of your trust in him. It is the mark of a lazy dom to neglect his submissive's needs and only exert dominance to get out of doing work.

That being said, marriage does have the effect of changing things, sometimes. It did for me, indirectly. And given how busy you are with all the things you have going on, it might not be a bad idea to officially take a step back from it so that he can breathe and adjust. It's not a fair situation to be in, but relationships are all about caring enough about your partner to occasionally compromise and sacrifice on their behalf.

My initial thought isn't a good way to bring it up to him. You should really try to sit him down and explain where you're at without being confrontational, but still stress how important the conversation is. If he blows you off again, then the next time he tries to play dom to you, refuse it. You're not his maid, you're his wife.

Communication is just SO important. It sounds like he needs to be reminded of that. Wishing you well, and I hope things are resolved to your satisfaction soon!

[ntripper85]

Sounds like you have a vanilla husband!

[Whisperz]

just a thought, but, given that it seems to be waning in importance to him...i think i would start to wonder if he ISN'T vanilla, as ntripper85 has suggested. it seems odd to me, even considering the way life sometimes gets busy and becomes a factor, that his interest has waned to such a degree. i whole-heartedly agree that a serious, but respectful, discussion is needed. he knew when you married that this was a part of your life and something that you NEED, and even when life starts to weigh in, every relationship has to be met with effort from both parties involved. knowing that the contract that you mentioned was obviously of importance to you, it seems to me that it should have been gone over before you actually got married...this, in my opinion, shows a lack of his making you and your needs a priority of any kind.....yes, a very serious discussion is needed.

BDSM aside...i would be royally pissed that he used something so important to you just to get out of doing his part, i don't know that i would be able to help it! i would like to second the fact that you are his wife and not his maid! you may be a submissive, but you deserve respect! there is a gaping chasm of difference between being submissive and being walked all over...there does come a point at which it is necessary to stand up for ones self, and it sure sounds like it is time.

[Flaming_Redhead]

You should talk to him and tell him how you feel about him reneging on the contract. He's not only failing to keep up his end of the BDSM contract but also the marriage contract.

[SUBtly_shy]

in so meny ways I agree with all of your comments and advice. Its really strange because for the first year and a half that we lived together we shared our bed room with our(my biological) kids. it put a HUGE damper on any kind of physical relationship. We have spoken about our sexual relationship and he says that he is still getting used to having privacy again and that working oposite hours from the rest of the family he often just isn't interested. To a point I find that very reasonable. He clames that he deals with other commitments before helping around the house and spending family time because he "KNOWS" that we can have time later ect. Its not that we dont suit well as Master and Pet but that he often struggles to see my side and our priorities are often different. we choose to be together not because its easy but because we love each other and I just havent found a way to make him realize how importent things like finishing our BDSM contract or doing the dishes when you say your going to do them. He finds them trivial. ugh its just frustrating and i cant seem to get it across to him why its important to me.

[denuseri]

Open honest consistent communication is the key and that is of course required by both parties and often very difficult yet ultimately rewarding.

Have the two of you tried setting apart a little time for each other during the week for just the two of you to communicate and or participate in some "fun" bdsm or otherwise?

Like maby get back into the swing of things with baby steps instead of trying to do the whole 24/7 TPE?

[didoanna]

I'd have to say I agree with those that have advocated a calm, private discussion about what you both see and feel in relationship to the contract. From personal experience, I know I'm in a much nicer place but the discussions and development of the rules and roles to get there was at times painful and very stressful for all concerned.

All I can say is please don't rush at this sort of thing and maybe pick a 'neutral venue' to have the discussions where you can really focus on each other.

[Flaming_Redhead]

"he often just isn't interested...he deals with other commitments before helping around the house and spending family time"

EPIC FAIL.

He's had a year and a half to "get used to having privacy." He tries to use BDSM as a way to get out of his family obligations. The "man" is full of excuses.

Maybe one day, when he finally feels like spending time with you, you won't be there.

[Misschief]

this guy needs a serious wake-up call.. can you stay at a friend's or family member's house with your kids for a few days..?

He is blatantly abusing his position without rewarding your dedication..

[curious_wanna_obeyu]

Communication is the key to any relationship, he is disconnected with his promises because he is disconnected with the whole " other life style" err life!
Everything has changed, he went from meeting your need to meeting several needs and has gotten lost in it all. I say find a babysitter or take the kids to your parents for the weekend. Set the house so that he knows when he walks in that you are ready for him. Dont give him an out because he will take it. This may sound coy but leave some hints during the week, post it notes work great for spiking the mind into thinking only of you and your needs. Call him at work
and let him know he is in complete control of you. You have to get him to start thinking he is alpha male and he needs to take care of his ownership.