experienced sub/new dom

[jazzman]

I am a new dom, working on a relationship where the woman has much more experience. My only experience comes from reading and what little I could convince former girlfriends to try. We have discussed the basics--allowable activities, long-term goals, safe word, etc. And I have scripted several scenes based on the information I have from her, but she is a STRONG, emotionally and intellectually, woman and trying to get inside her head is proving somewhat difficult. She has told me what she likes and dislikes but I am concerned that my "scenes" will not be up to speed (performance anxiety) and I will let her down. I am first trying to provide some touchstone to build upon, a place to start the journey. I have read many of the posts and am looking for some type of advice. I am wondering if I am in over my head and what resources are available to make sure I meet her needs. Any help?
Thanx.

[Jadetiger]

Jazzman I am currently a switch who is trying to figure out if she is Sub of Dom.

My pet is much more experienced than I am. I spent 5 days on the web trying to find out what submissive men want. Like you I was worried I would not be able to fulfill his needs. I will give you the only advice on the web that I found useful. Enjoy yourself. Whatever you come up with make sure it brings you pleasure. She is there to serve your needs. If she feels like she is meeting your needs she will be happy.

I must admit my pervy mind has been a little hard on him lately but I truly am enjoying myself. He is such a horny beast and would please any mistress.


I am sure there are other more experienced Doms who will be able to help you too.

[Nightstriker]

Everything boils down to confidance and love. Be confidant in your actions and do them with love.

Then after the scenes talk with her and see what she liked about the scene and what she did not. You would be suprised what happened.

[ObsidianCaine]

Confidence is everything.

If you lack confidence then you get nothing, you will not prove you are dominating thus causing you to fail before you even begin. You must take control, absolute control even if she is a strong one, you must be stronger and take that which you know shall be enjoyable. Allow nothing to get in the way, have a safe word in case it goes too far but otherwise do not take no for an answer. Every action, every movement must be done with purpose, control and absolute conviction. If you do not have the fire in your eyes you will not inspire of her your lust and desires.

It all comes down to how you are.

[ProjectEuropa]

I think we have all been here. I had all the same problems in the beginning. Intelligent and quick witted sub that knew exactly what she wanted until she got it and something wasn't right. The truth was I didn't have enough knowledge or confidence. In fact I didn't know what the fuck I was doing half the time. You have to put on a performance and give the air of being in charge even if you are full of anxiety. Everyone says one should Dom with love. My first experience made me realise a little sadism along with the love helps, don't be too kind. Be safe, be in control and enjoy her reaction to your sadistic love.

[albear]

Just be cool and be confident. If you make a connection with her then she'll enjoy it. Even if you're packing your dacks just remember it's supposed to be enjoyable, so go with it!

[LBoolean]

I am just getting out of pretty much the same situation, as you can probably guess by reading the first posts I did on this forum.
In the meantime, after following the advice of many of these fine ladies and gentlemen, I have come to realise a few things...
The stronger your sub is, the greater the satisfaction when she does EXACTLY what you desire (and yes, I have a real tough one on my hands)
What you lack in experience you can make up for in enthusiasm... do what you can do, don't try to be a dungeon master, it comes naturally as you progress.
Your sub claims to be a sub, make her prove it to you... if she/he is acting up, punish her.. be firm, that's what she/he expects from you.
Be creative, as you can learn in this forum (from guys like the great Mobius), you don't need to fork out tonnes of money, just be creative... make your own toys, use them with confidence and conviction.

And most importantly, This is a journey for both of you... regardless of her experience, she has NOT been dommed by you before! you will add your own personality to the mix, you will set and enforce different rules, in the words of old blue eyes... ".... I did it MY way".

Have fun, this too is really important!

Greetings over the oceans

LB

[slavelucy]

Hi Jazzman,

First up - welcome to the forums!

Right, in terms of your question, the first thing that comes into my head is the term 'trial and error' (or trial and improvement as it is now known). However experienced either of you are, you'll still be finding your feet which each other, she may have more experience but you are as new to her as she is to you. So, my main advice would be (as trite as it sounds) to talk, a lot, after a scene etc...not in a stage managed way, but talk all the same. If you have a natural rapport with her (which you must, since she clearly wants to sub to you *smiles*) and encourage her to be honest about things, then gradually you'll perfect your combined abilities.

i would also try to relax and not worry. It's commendable that you are taking both her feelings and your responsibilities seriously, but jadetiger is right when she says that her main submissive concern will likely be whether she has pleased you and if YOU have enjoyed the scene.

Finally, i don't know whether you have or not already, but i definitely recommend telling her how you feel, share your own anxieties with her and she will almost certainly naturally compensate and 'assist' more (not in an obvious or 'topping' sense), both in the scene and in her communications afterwards.

Goodluck and have fun.

sl

[Wontworry]

Just do what you feel to be right and it will be good .. promise.

[Ranai]

Hehe, I like the 'trial and improvement' expression. I'll try to remember that one.
Yes - relax and have fun, Jazzman.

I see no point in an unqualified insistence on confidence. It smacks of advocating dishonesty.
In your own interest: Be honest.
If you put on a show of 'absolute conviction' when you are not certain about something, any intelligent submissive will see right through it!!! He/she might go along with it, perhaps out of the desire to please, perhaps out of pity. In the long run, nothing is gained by pretending.

A person who is willing to be your submissive gives you the benefit of the doubt. You don't need to 'prove' anything. You can contribute your best to the relationship. So I'd say, show confindence when it is there. Ask when you don't know. When you have doubts, tell her. You have more fun in the process when you are not nervous that she might see things you are trying to hide. Being honest you can win her respect.

As for performance anxiety, the great thing is that you recognise it for what it is. Good for you! It shows a level of self-reflection that will work to your advantage. To use an analogy, many accomplished actors have stage fright. They can't make it go away. They play with the stage fright, not against it. As long as it is there, you can use the feeling in a productive way and let it fire your creative energies. Styles of dominance are as varied as the persons involved. Enjoy experimenting and finding out what suits you.

[jazzman]

Thank you all for the assist...when things go well, ya'll should get some credit. I can honestly say that every post had something I could use/was supportive and helped me to focus a little bit more, which has eased my anxiety, and consequently, boosted my confidence a bit. Thanx again.
I very much appreciate it.

[Dngnkeeper]

A thought to all the good stuff already said. Throw out the script. Trying to script a scene in detail before hand seldom works. Even with experienced couples who have spent much quality time together. The problem is that you never know what her or your reaction will be at any given time. Have a few things on the list and pick one as the prinary goal. An example for me might be percussive play as the goal and flogging, paddling, and spanking as some of the things I would do. Then let the scene evolve on its own. If one thing isn't working switch to another path. Don't apologise just move on. That doesnt mean you stick only with one thing. If the flogging is working well you can add a little paddle in to vary the scene before comming back to it.

Also think about pacing of the scene. Think of a roller coaster. The good ones go up and down several times before the end. If you have her worked up to a high platou then back off and give her a little chance to breath and settle before moving on and up. It will add to the amount of time you can scene before she is done and let you take her farther.

Good luck
Play safe

[albear]

You don't have to ooze fake confidence, or hide behind a curtain of perceived self-importance, you just have to be confident that you're enjoying what you're doing, and have the confidence in yourself to do these things. That's kind of what I meant. And sheesh, that's using the word confidence excessively! *wanders off to find a thesaurus*

*gets momentarily distracted wondering what kind of a dinosaur a Thesaurus is*

[Harbinger]

Hi everyone

I'm pretty much new to the board and experiencing similar concerns as jazzman but other than creating a new thread where everyone'll have to repeat what has been said, I'll tackle my thanks and appreciation on this existing one.

Actually I've been signed onto the forums for a long time but I've only just got the nerve to start posting. In any case, great advice and many thanks!

And sorry if this post is a little disjointed... I think I'll be quiet now...

*goes off to commit seppuku*

[Ranai]

Hi Harbinger,

Like you, I find that one of the wonderful features of this board is that I can meet people with similar concerns & similar questions.

Please do keep your wakizashi in the sheath. :ninja:

[LBoolean]

I see no point in an unqualified insistence on confidence. It smacks of advocating dishonesty.
In your own interest: Be honest.
If you put on a show of 'absolute conviction' when you are not certain about something, any intelligent submissive will see right through it!!! He/she might go along with it, perhaps out of the desire to please, perhaps out of pity. In the long run, nothing is gained by pretending.

A person who is willing to be your submissive gives you the benefit of the doubt. You don't need to 'prove' anything. You can contribute your best to the relationship. So I'd say, show confindence when it is there. Ask when you don't know. When you have doubts, tell her. You have more fun in the process when you are not nervous that she might see things you are trying to hide. Being honest you can win her respect.

I could not agree more R, thus my advice to get "comfortable" with your level of skill and do what you can as well as you can. Pulling the nine tails out of the bag when you don't know the dynamics of it is not only scary, also pretty irresponsible. Confidence is quite a strange bedfellow... it tends to evolve and grow with experience and a feeling of knowing what you are doing. Right there is the chicken and egg thing.... getting comfortable with your technique takes training, training is hard if you don't have your technique figured out... be that as it may, and getting back on track in this thread, is great to have a partner with a little more experience, you learn quicker as long as you are inclined to being dominant eventually your personality will shine trough.