Progression of D/s dynamic

[SubAngel5]

I find it interesting the differing degrees we all indulge in this world. I've had an experience recently that has left me very confused and would love some input or advice.

I was in communication with a Dom, someone whom I had great conversation and interest in. We live in the same city and met online. We seemed to have a lot in common, but the level of power exchange he required was too much for me initially. He insisted on micromanagement - I would not be able to do anything without permission and he would have to know where I was and what I was doing every moment of the day. He required I text him multiples times am hour to check in. He was also very into bladder control and would insist I call and leave him voicemails describing how badly I needed to go, and I would not be allowed until given permission. He loves seeing a girl squirm and would require I hold it until I would wet myself sometimes. I admit, I find all of that arousing to a degree... But I couldn't live up to what he wanted. This was mostly due to the fact that he insists on testing a sub to see if they can handle it prior to really giving the relationship much of a chance. If the sub fails in any way, all communication ends and they are cut out if his life, not even willing to maintain a friendship. He says he has wasted too much time with subs in the past, so he prefers to make it very difficult and extreme at first to test them. I explained I would be quite willing to try to submit to such a degree eventually once the relationship and trust developed, but he refused. He said he will not train a sub to obey, she is just expected to do so. He said if I changed my mind he would consider giving me another chance to try and meet his expectations.

I found the whole ordeal emotionally draining and confusing. It has made me question everything I think I want and I keep feeling like I made a mistake and I should apologize for the failure and try again. But I just don't know if I could do it, if I could pass his test. Perhaps I could submit to the degree he wanted eventually, but not right away - and that was not an option for him. He wanted a guarantee. I know I may have describe him as being very harsh, but he always seemed very kind and reasonable in many of our discussions, especially when describing what he hoped for long term. The only thing he seemed unreasonable about was this initial testing period he required.

How quickly do you form and develop the D/s dynamic with a new relationship? Do you test them to see if they fit your expectations?

[Solis]

Greetings, angel.

My response is below. I inadvertently posted a duplicate reply which I could not delete but which I could replace with this short greeting.

S.

[Solis]

Insert <barely concealed contempt> about here. Barely concealed. For Him, not you.

I teach, in a surprising variety of venues, for a living. I have for a long time. And I am more-or-less really good at it. I guess I've learned that learning is a process that unfolds over time. As a teacher, I can guide and accelerate the process. But that takes patience, understanding of myself and my students, trust on their part and a long-term plan on mine. If any of those pieces are missing, my students learn little or nothing.

Why's that? Because when you learn, you change. You become somebody else. And that's scary. (What to scare the piss out of a high school junior? Tell them that college will completely change them and their world. They'll pee, then run.) And so teaching becomes an exercise in risk management: you need to convince your student that it's okay to try and that it's okay (perhaps even great) to fail. If the situation is too threatening, our reactions are controlled entirely by an ancient and powerful part of the brain, the amygdala, which is responsible for the "fight or flight" reaction. Activate the amygdala and thinking stops, reacting takes over. If the situation represents a manageable threat, our reactions are controlled by a relatively new and wobbly part of the brain, the cerebral cortex, which is responsible for thinking things through and making good choices. If my students trust me and I can construct a series of challenges, each a little greater than the last but each manageable, I can set them on a path that can take them a thousand miles. I ask them to do something new but small, they think about it, try for me, and succeed or fail. If they succeed, I reward them and construct another challenge - one that they suspect they can meet because they've already trusted me and won. If they fail, I console them, get them to talk through what happened, tweak the plan and try again. And, if need be, again. When they finally succeed, they're delighted with themselves and delighted with me and eager for more.

A dom (or husband, wife, boss or teammate) who wants a relationship but who doesn't have the wit or patience to learn about you and to make your success possible is a fool, a bully or both. I have little patience with them and less respect for them.

With respect for you, your willingness to try, and your willingness to be open,

Solis.

[Miss_Red]

Well here's My two cents worth. I feel that this Dom has unreasonable expectations. If, during your testing period, he has so much control that he is not allowing you to release your bladder when needed....I feel this very irresponsible. And potentially harmful to you. The after effects of this type of control could cause so many things to go wrong. I personally think it's just plain stupid. And if I were you, I would start throwing up the red flags. This is how slaves are trained. But usually not until there is a great deal of communication between D/s. And even then, I would be leery. Use your instinct, as most times it will be correct. But My personal opinion is that this Dom has ego issues. And I would run, and run fast....If he is treating you like this during your initial testing period, I feel that it will continue after the trials are over. And as far as getting better....I highly doubt that would happen.

Trust your instincts hon...they're usually right.

[Miss_Red]

Well here's My two cents worth. I feel that this Dom has unreasonable expectations. If, during your testing period, he has so much control that he is not allowing you to release your bladder when needed....I feel this very irresponsible. And potentially harmful to you. The after effects of this type of control could cause so many things to go wrong. I personally think it's just plain stupid. And if I were you, I would start throwing up the red flags. This is how slaves are trained. But usually not until there is a great deal of communication between D/s. And even then, I would be leery. Use your instinct, as most times it will be correct. But My personal opinion is that this Dom has ego issues. And I would run, and run fast....If he is treating you like this during your initial testing period, I feel that it will continue after the trials are over. And as far as getting better....I highly doubt that would happen.

Trust your instincts hon...they're usually right.

[Mrs-Sett {Kuve}]

In response to your post, may I direct firstly to this coming Friday’s discussion group: 23rd August, 9pm EST as the topic of the evening are things that should be considered before becoming d/s? The nature of both Dom/me and sub's needs and how to go about understanding then adapting to those needs. You may find it beneficial to speak with others with more experience than I.

I understand there are Dom/me’s that consider themselves firstly, but I personally would expect to take or to be taken to where I truly wanted to go, then slightly further than I expected. Time and patience plays a huge part of this, as how else would the Dom/me or sub not get such pleasure? I feel this occurs through the need to be/show love, to be cherished and desire(d) to please, this certainly cannot occur through a fear of failure

For me, personally, I note ‘the nature of both’; Dom/me and subs needs within a mutual exchange, it is a relationship of two halves surely. It grows, develops within the dynamic over time. Submission for me is something I give freely with love and admiration for my Dom. Overtime, I trust him to take me further than I think I can go, this encourages increased shared enjoyment and progression.

Maybe if this ‘level’ had been discussed and agreed upon together it could or would have developed to the level he wanted. To say do this, ‘or/not’ with little flexibility and certainly coupled with the ‘or else’ ultimatum as mentioned, does not show respect for your participation. Initially starting a relationship within such strict parameters as you describe is not a form of mutual communication.

As my Sister Miss Red, rightly indicates I also suspect after this ‘trial’ period, it would have not changed a single thing within the dynamic. Instinct told you what was being required of you, as such an early stage of your relationship, was not only was potentially harmful for your health, but emotionally as well..

You did nothing wrong, far from it. You ran, trusted your instinct, this was not for you, you protected yourself, understandably, in my mind.

Sett

[sub_sequent]

It is only very recently that I was shown the difference between Dominating and Domineering. The one is self serving (however this may not be evident from the very start)and leaves the submissive reeling and doubting herself... The effects often lasting for a long time.

Being dominant on the other hand is for the good and growth of the submissive and the relationship. It leads to greater trust and as Solis1 so eloquently put, to trusting enough to learn.

Learning this gave me a new 'measuring stick' to gauge who I can entrust with my submission.

[skittish doe]

Where is that 'like' button anyhow? I'd 'like' all over this thread (and booo to the Dom who you question, subangel) There is good reason for your mind to balk. His tactics are deplorable! His lack of any patience toward you shows you his unwillingness to get to know you, personally.

You've received some excellent advice from those above and I hope you do follow it. I'm very relieved you had the bravery to come ask others for their opinions of your situation.

[Miss_Red]

just noticed it posted My comment twice....sorry about that...as I did not push reply but once and don't know how to edit it on here...

[SubAngel5]

Hi everyone! Thank you very much for taking the time to respond. All your comments and advice has been very helpful and reassured/validated what I already knew to be true. It helps to have a sounding board and support from others.

Men I have been involved with in the past were usually only interested in being Dominant in the bedroom, but I have always wanted more. Unfortunately this has been my first experience with any sort of 24/7 dynamic, and it really made me doubt my desires. After reading all your reassuring feedback, I think I've realized it is still something I want - but with someone who will be patient and let the dynamic build naturally over time. I think I've known this all along and am not sure why I even entertained the idea of wanting to be with this man.

Miss-Sett, can you please let me know where to participate in the discussion group you mentioned?

[Mrs-Sett {Kuve}]

SubAngel5, meet in the lobby before 9pm EST this evening, from there I will open another room that you enter for the discussion.

The discussion groups are held each week with suggested Topics. This is announced in the forum under 'site offerings'. Look forward to meeting/seeing you.

*Hugs* Sett