Carstien's second assignment

[Venom]

Please write a short story, about 2000 words, give or take. However, it is tradition to issue some terms to be used in that story.

Yours are:

spectators
rave girl
forbidden knowledge



Take your time, there's no need to rush.

[Lagomorph]

Ok, this will be no problem at all, i'll knock this out later when i'm bored. 1 thing though, or 2 things rather. Does it have to be kink, or is vanilla acceptable? And am I supposed to have access to every level of this place? Not that i'm complaining.

[Venom]

1. No, the story doesn't need to have BDSM-elements, or erotic ones in general.

2. You will get access to the levels one at a time. I reckon you wrote a PM to Torq to get into the first. Once you are finished here, I'll do the same, and up you go.

[Lagomorph]

Ok, but what I meant was that I have full access anyway. I can see every level. Is that normal?

[Venom]

No. Did you ask anyone for access in the first place?

[Lagomorph]

I sent Torq a PM, but I don't even think he has opened it yet, according to the PM receipt I have. I did whisper Delia in the chat, and that's how I got access. Only expected level one, but no complaining, right?

[Venom]

No problem. However, focus on Level 1 for now.

[Lagomorph]

No problem. However, focus on Level 1 for now.

I have to ask, because i'm fast running out of words, does the story need a well wrapped up ending, because mine is leaning towards more of a prologue to a much longer tale if i'm honest. I started it last night for about an hour or so, and I have so much more to do yet i'm way more than half way to the 2000 word quota.

[Lagomorph]

Of course. Sorry for the delay, been busy and such. Will be up no later than tomorrow, it'll only take an hour or two to write anyway.

[Venom]

I know what you are talking about, Carstien.

No, it's not a problem if the story's character is more that of a prologue or chapter than that of a complete narration with no loose ends. That will be asked in the higher levels. Try to hit the 2000 words, and if they turn out to be 2500 -- so what?

[Lagomorph]

Thanks. By the way, I didn't mean I was struggling to reach 2000, I meant I was gonna go over it and wanted to know if that was ok. Thanks for the boost though.

[Venom]

I understood it that way, too.

[Lagomorph]

Umm, I made this way too long. I need to continue too... Sorry for the length, I could probably knock you up an actual short story if it bothers you...

A magical tail. :Temporary title.

Victor was a little drunk. It was late here, in the Bar-Barrellas night club in the small town near Manchester, and he had been here a while now drowning his sorrows. He was a magician, a bloody good one at that, but his show had started to fail him now, drawing a smaller and smaller crowd with every appearance. Today had been the last straw, and his assistant had quit, storming off in a fit after he had lost his temper with her over a trivial matter, the location of his cane, the one he used as a kind of wand for dramatic effect.

Looking around the bar, he needed to find something to do, somebody to do even. He wasn’t the most sex-crazed man ever, being basically a high functioning sociopath, unable to feel any real feelings, but having a good enough grasp on the concepts to wade through every day life regardless. Still, he wanted some interaction right now, any interaction. Conversation would be best, and he spotted a good target, a beautiful young woman, no older than 20 he guessed, and carrying herself in a rather guarded stance. Sure, she was raving and dancing around, but she never let herself get too close to any of the guys around her, of which there were many. He watched her for some time before she made her way over to the bar, aiming to get herself a drink it seemed.

“Excuse me, I, umm…can I buy you this drink?” he asked, feigning being nervous to put her a little at ease. He was a good looking man, he knew it for a fact, but he couldn’t just rely on that alone with somebody like this, he needed to charm her. “I could see you dancing up there, and you looked just so damn lovely, I think wanna get to know you better. I could try a chat up line, if you like” he carried on, trying to break any tension she would feel being approached by yet another guy who thought he had a chance.

The moment of truth was here, he thought, looking into her green eyes as she considered his offer. He could see the wheels turning in her head, could she trust this man? He didn’t seem dangerous. He looked great too, and he was well spoken. He knew he had her when he saw the smile appear, and allowed himself to smile back, pulling out a stool for her to sit on. She sat down with her drink as he paid, a fruity concoction she began to drink through a straw before talking to him. “A chat up line? Does that little speech count?” she giggled, accepting her drink and pointing the barman over to Victor for his money. “I suppose I could entertain you a little then stranger, I‘m getting tired of dancing anyway. So many perverts trying to rub up on me, ya know?. My name is Sara by the way” she smiled, toying with the straw while she looked him over from her closer position. “Hah, it’s nice to meet you Sara, I promise I won‘t try to get too close to you now, but feel free to rub up on me. They call me Victor, when they aren‘t calling me amazing.” Victor laughed, his easy smile, worn on his face like a convincing mask creeping onto his face. So, I hear that I‘m supposed to just listen to whatever you have to say and nod along, but it seems all too boring for me. Can‘t pick up a girl that way, so lets take turns asking questions. What do you do for a living is a good one” Victor grinned at her, edging his stool closer to her and resting against the bar to hear her out.

The rest of the night passed all too quickly, Victor enjoying the company of this strange woman, and seemingly, she had enjoyed his in return. She had stuck around for several more drinks anyway, telling him much about herself, though nothing of why she was so guarded, Her eyes had lit up when he had mentioned his profession, and his assistants departure, and she had casually slipped the fact that she was looking for a job into the conversation. He had left her with his number and a promise that she could try out for the position, sure that she would at least provide eye candy for his viewers, and had been a little disappointed when she had to leave. Gathering himself and making his way out through the crowd himself, Victor hailed a cab and called it a night, looking forward to the following Monday when he would be able to see her again at her ‘audition‘. It was strange that he even wanted to, being a loner all his life, but there was something about this one, and he looked forward to teaching her his tricks.

Until Monday, Victor had little to do, spending his time looking through his books in search of his obsession, real magic. He had studied for years now, certain that there was more to this world than just the mundane existence he had been living. His job was good for him, and had paid the bills so far, but he wanted power, knowledge, control. He wanted to be able to take anything he desired, and he would find the answer someday, he was sure of it. He had just taken shipment of some new books as it happened, and he settled down to read one. It was a large and dusty tome, with archaic symbols all across the front, most prominent of which were the moon images, a full moon flanked by two crescent moons, facing opposite directions.

This book turned out to be a shocking read, full of things that contradicted what his grasp of science told him, turning some facts completely on their heads if any of it could be believed. At parts it read like a madmans dreams, telling of strange lands existing in between worlds, the sunlight never reached and the moonlight never faded and in others it wasn’t even readable. The text was replaced with the symbols on the cover, but written in lines like any other language. His eyes seemed to slide off these pages as he tried to decipher them, and he would get a burning pain in the centre of his forehead. There was only so much of it he could stand before moving to the next pages, but the book itself was impossible to put down. Before the day was over, he had read it cover to cover, and his head was swimming with forbidden secrets and ancient lore, though how much was true he couldn’t say. Finally putting the book away in his safe, Victor began to feel tired, like he hadn’t slept in days, and dropped unconscious onto his bed, still fully clothed.

Slowly, Victor opened his eyes, his head pounding for no real reason he could think of. It was Monday at last, and time to train his new assistant in his tricks and illusions. It would be an easy job, her really not needing to do much at all for most of the night except wave her arms and look good, and that, he felt, she would do very well. Arriving at his studio, where he practiced before heading to the stage at a nearby theatre, he found Sara already waiting.

“Ahh, you’re here sooner than I expected Sara, I like how eager you seem to begin. My last assistant was always late, though she did the job well. Are you ready to learn the secrets of a Master Illusionist?” he asked her as he unlocked the door and gestured for her to enter with a low bow and a little flourish. His headache was beginning to fade, though it was still bothering him a little, and he was careful to close the door quietly.

“Yes, I’m looking forward to learning this, I always loved the magic shows when I was younger. I always wanted to make myself disappear.” she replied to him, almost sadly, even though she had a radiant smile etched on her face.

“Well then, this is going to be simple anyway. First show will be tonight and all you really have to do is keep the crowds attention. Not so hard for someone as beautiful as you I imagine.” he started, guiding her to a wardrobe and opening it to reveal the outfits within. “I expect you to wear one of these costumes here, but if you have a better one then wear anything to distract the crowd. Just choose something you feel comfortable with and don‘t worry about looking like an idiot, they expect a silly outfit anyway. Get changed, and then I can teach you a few of the tricks, so that you know where to keep the crowd focused, ok?”

“Yes Sir. Umm, do you mind leaving while I change? I don‘t see a changing room in here, and I don‘t think a few drinks has earned you a glimpse just yet” she winked back at him, walking over to the wardrobe and looking over the costumes on display.

Victor smiled and left the room, impressed with her cheery attitude, and wondering what the hell was going on with him. He wasn’t supposed to like people, these feelings just didn’t occur within him. Shaking it off, he got changed into his stage clothes, his long , red leather jacket and black trousers. Setting up his latest trick, new for tonight’s show, he looked over the fixings. It was a simple trick, but dangerous. He would be lowered into the giant tank of water, hands cuffed and linked via a strong chain attached to his sides and a key to the left cuff in a plastic box tied around his neck. The ‘trick’ part was the fake link in the chain, a little slight of hand would allow him to free his hands, and the rest would be simple. He had already gone through the practice stages, he could perform the trick perfectly. All he needed to teach Orokana was to distract the spectators. He was attaching the fake link to the chain when she walked in, dressed in a sequined one piece costume, red with silver speckles and wearing his top hat and a long black coat. Around her waist was a belt, the same colour as her hair, and looking like it was actually made from it, something he didn‘t own, so he figured she brought it herself. .

Victor was speechless for a second, a new experience for him, before the pain struck. His head burned, like nothing he had ever felt, the searing heat causing him to fall to the floor grasping at his head. Flashes of light forced there way into his mind, visions of a pink moon, of rings overlapping and glowing a deep red and of a bright purple woman, her features obscured by the glare of her purple skin, but the outline of a tail clearly visible. Slowly, the visions and pain faded away to be replaced by Sara’s face, looking over him with worry etched on her delicate features, her hand shaking his shoulder roughly. “W-what the hell just happened to me?” he slurred, shrugging off her hand rubbing his head where the pain was slowly receding. Sara, was just staring at him now, her mouth wide open as if she had seen a ghost. “I don’t know, one minute you were standing there staring at me and then you were shaking on the floor, screaming, and your head…” She walked closer, grabbing his face and inspecting his forehead. “ I don’t understand, the symbols, they were here, just like the ones in my dreams!”

“Symbols? What are you talking about, you’re not making any sense now. I remember I was playing with my trick cuffs, then you waked in and….that’s it. Pain. A lot of it.” Victor stood up and waked over to the mirror on the wall, checking his head. There were no symbols there at all. “Are you sure you saw something? It could have been the light you know, and I had a headache earlier anyway. Let’s just forget it for now, we’re running late as it is, I need to show you some of these tricks.”

Sara was still just staring at him, looking both worried and scared. “O-ok, we can eave it, but I swear they were there, the 3 moons I saw. Right here.” she spoke, grabbing at his head again, sending a sight shooting pain into him. He brushed away her hand, muttering about being fine, and they spent the next few hours practicing the numerous tricks. They didn’t have enough time left to practice the water tank stunt, but he had gone over it before with his old assistant, and she had no real part in it except looking pretty, so he grabbed his gear and explained it all on the way.

The show was quite packed, probably the announcement he had made in the local newspaper about his new trick. Sara seemed to be developing some sort of stage fright too, toying with her strange belt a lot, but when he asked if she was ok, she merely smiled and nodded at him. Soon it was time, and they began their performance. This was the easy part, no faking of emotions necessary, just skilful showmanship, something Victor excelled at. Doves were released into the air when he performed his handkerchief transformation trick. The crowd cheered when he made his new assistant vanish, only for her to appear at the back of the theatre, holding a tray full of biscuits, throwing them out into the audience as she made her way back to the stage. Laughter filled the air as Victor pulled off the sleight of hand pick pocketing stunt, calling up a member of the audience only to rob the man of his phone and wallet, giving them back to him while stealing his watch at the same time, proving his skill for all to see.

Finally, the night came to an end, with only the one trick left to perform. Victor and Sara wheeled out the massive water tank, as a chain was lowered down from the ceiling above it. Victor turned to face the spectators, twirling his cane expertly between his fingers while he began his speech.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you have enjoyed tonight’s performance a much as my assistant and I have enjoyed your reactions. You have laughed with us, gasped with us, you have participated when we needed willing victims…” he grinned at the crowd, pausing for effect, before throwing a small black wallet to the man in the front row, the one who had been in his pickpocket trick. “…this man has even volunteered the contents of his wallet, which I’m afraid I cannot accept. All that is left is my newest hobby, escapism. This will not be a simple trick, there is no illusion here. I will be cuffed and suspended upside down, lowered into the tank full of water. I will have the key to the left cuff around my neck, but the right cuff has no key. Tonight, my wonderful audience, you will either see a daring escape, or a terrible tragedy, but however it ends, it has been a pleasure performing for you tonight.”

Turning with a flick of his long, red jacket, he stood in silence as Sara applied the restraints as he had shown her back at his studio. A set of steps were raised from the floor as smoke drifted in, provided by the machines at the side of the stage, and at last at the top of the steps, the hook on the chain was attached via another set of cuffs, locking his feet together. #up went the chain, dragging him into the air, before slowly lowering him into the tank, and the final show began, as the massive clock above the stage ticked away, showing how long he could hold his breath for in seconds.

Victor could see through the glass walls, how his new assistant walked around with his cane, occasionally tapping the glass in the corners to draw the attention of the crowd. Victor had to admit she had done better than he thought she would, and as she pranced around with his cane, he twisted his wrist to unlock the false link. But it didn’t unlock. Panicking, he tried again, only to meet with more resistance, and his heart skipped when he remembered. He hadn’t attached it!!! He was doing so when Sara had walked in, and his head had flared with pain, and the link had been forgotten in the panic and confusion. Victor thrashed about in the water, tried to reach the key with his mouth, anything to free himself, but it was no use. He could see Sara looking a little worried now, glancing at the clock. She didn’t know exactly when he was supposed to escape though, they hadn’t practiced.

Resigned to his fate now, knowing this was the end of his life, Victor couldn’t hold his breath any longer. As the water started to enter his lungs when he tried to breathe, the agony returned, his head exploding in pain as if hit with a thousand needles at once. The images returned with the pain, the same as before, and then the world went black as everything stopped. Slowly, he opened his eyes again, not knowing what to expect, but sure that he was dead now. Instead, he found himself in the backstage area of the theatre again, on the floor in the setup section, surrounded by his props for the show. He glanced down at his outfit. He was in his stage clothes still, his hands cuffed to his side, the key still around his neck and he was soaking wet.

He could just about hear the voices from the stage, hear Sara telling the audience that he had decided escapism was too much effort, and vanished to Barbados for a quick drink. Well, at least she could improvise and stay calm under pressure, he thought to himself, deciding it would be best to wait until he was found rather than ruin what seemed to be a perfect, unexplainable ending to his show. As the crowd cheered and clapped away, presumably at Sara bowing, Victor shuffled over to sit on his trunk, waiting. His head was thumping, he had no idea what had happened, and the stupid images in his mind were fading quickly again. The curtain was lowered on the stage, he could see that from here, and the door to his area slowly opened as Sara walked in, looking confused and panicked. She jumped when she saw him sitting there, the grin on his face turning to shock as he stared at her. It wasn’t the jump that had shocked him, or the little scream she had let out. It was none of these things that made his jaw hit the floor. It was her belt, unravelling itself in the moment of her shock, falling to the floor. It wasn’t a belt at all. It was a tail, wrapped around her waist because she had nowhere else to put it, a tail like the girl in his dreams. What Victor didn’t know, was that on his head were shining 3 symbols. Two crescent moons, with a full moon between them. Sara hadn’t jumped at seeing him, she had jumped at the symbols. They stared at each other in silence for what seemed like an eternity, before finally speaking in unison.


“Who ARE you??”

[Venom]

Umm, I made this way too long. I need to continue too... Sorry for the length, I could probably knock you up an actual short story if it bothers you...

A magical tail. :Temporary title.

Victor was a little drunk. It was late here, in the Bar-Barrellas night club in the small town near Manchester, and he had been here a while now drowning his sorrows. He was a magician, a bloody good one at that, but (Better start a new sentence here.) his show had started to fail him now, drawing a smaller and smaller crowd with every appearance. Today had been the last straw, and his assistant had quit, storming off in a fit after he had lost his temper with her over a trivial matter, the location of his cane, the one he used as a kind of wand for dramatic effect. (Again, that's quite long a sentence.)

Looking around the bar, he needed to find something to do, somebody to do even. He wasn’t the most sex-crazed man ever, being basically a high functioning (combine them into a compound phrase or use an adverbial construction: high-functioning or highly functioning) sociopath, unable to feel any real feelings, but having a good enough grasp on the concepts to wade through every day life regardless. Still, he wanted some interaction right now, any interaction. Conversation would be best, and he spotted a good target, a beautiful young woman, no older than 20 (I incline to write ages as words, not as digits.) he guessed, and carrying herself in a rather guarded stance. Sure, she was raving and dancing around, but she never let herself get too close to any of the guys around her, of which there were many. He watched her for some time before she made her way over to the bar, aiming to get herself a drink it seemed.

“Excuse me, I, umm…can I buy you this drink?” he asked, feigning being nervous to put her a little at ease. He was a good looking (good-looking, or the adverb police will be knocking at your door) man, he knew it for a fact, (Start a new sentence here...) but he couldn’t just rely on that alone with somebody like this, (... or here) he needed to charm her. “I could see you dancing up there, and you looked just so damn lovely, I think (I) wanna get to know you better. I could try a chat up line, if you like(,)” (Use a comma to separate direct speech from the declarative sentence.) he carried on, trying to break any tension she would feel being approached by yet another guy who thought he had a chance.

The moment of truth was here, he thought, looking into her green eyes as she considered his offer. He could see the wheels turning in her head, could she trust this man? (New sentence or: ..., calculating if she could trust this man.) - - - He didn’t seem dangerous. He looked great too, and he was well spoken. (Careful here, you are jumping between variants of your point of view: In these two sentence you are suddenly following Sara. After that you switch back to Victor.) He knew he had her when he saw the smile appear, and allowed himself to smile back, pulling out a stool for her to sit on. She sat down with her drink as he paid, a fruity concoction she began to drink through a straw before talking to him. “A chat up line? Does that little speech count?” she giggled, accepting her drink and pointing the barman over to Victor for his money (Victor already has payed, maybe only for his own drink, but Sara sat down with hers, so what drink is she accepting now?). “I suppose I could entertain you a little then(,) stranger (Separate speech from address.), I‘m getting tired of dancing anyway. So many perverts trying to rub up on me, ya know? My name is Sara by the way(,)” she smiled, toying with the straw while she looked him over from her closer position. “Hah, it’s nice to meet you(,) Sara, I promise I won‘t try to get too close to you now, but feel free to rub up on me. They call me Victor, when they aren‘t calling me amazing.” Victor laughed, his easy smile, worn on his face like a convincing mask creeping onto his face. (")So, I hear that I‘m supposed to just listen to whatever you have to say and nod along, but it seems all too boring for me. Can‘t pick up a girl that way, so lets take turns asking questions. (')What do you do for a living(') (Speech within a speech) is a good one” Victor grinned at her, edging his stool closer to her and resting against the bar to hear her out.

The rest of the night passed all too quickly, Victor enjoying the company of this strange woman, and seemingly, she had enjoyed his in return. She had stuck around for several more drinks anyway, telling him much about herself, though nothing of why she was so guarded, (.) Her eyes had lit up when he had mentioned his profession, and his assistant(')s departure, and she had casually slipped the fact that she was looking for a job into the conversation. He had left her with his number and a promise that she could try out for the position, sure that she would at least provide eye candy for his viewers, and had been a little disappointed when she had to leave. (Shorten that one.) Gathering himself and making his way out through the crowd himself (repetition), Victor hailed a cab and called it a night, looking forward to the following Monday when he would be able to see her again at her ‘audition‘ ("audition" -- use the same regime for all quotation marks, in case of this story: first "...", and only if you are already in a direct speech '...'). It was strange that he even wanted to, being a loner all his life, but there was something about this one, and he looked forward to teaching her his tricks.

Until Monday, Victor had little to do, spending his time looking through his books in search of his obsession, ( : ) real magic. He had studied for years now, certain that there was more to this world than just the mundane existence he had been living. His job was good for him, and had paid the bills so far, but he wanted power, knowledge, control. He wanted to be able to take anything he desired, and he would find the answer someday, he was sure of it. He had just taken shipment of some new books (new to him, not new per se: maybe a new/ another shipment of books) as it happened, and he settled down to read one. It was a large and dusty tome, with archaic symbols all across the front, most prominent of which were the moon images, a full moon flanked by two crescent moons (two crescents, it's clear that they are moons), facing opposite directions.

This book turned out to be a shocking read, full of things that contradicted what his grasp of science told him, turning some facts completely on their heads if any of it could be believed. At parts it read like a madman(')s dreams, telling of strange lands existing in between worlds, the sunlight never reached and the moonlight never faded and in others it wasn’t even readable. The text was replaced with the symbols on the cover, but written in lines like any other language. His eyes seemed to slide off these pages as he tried to decipher them, and he would get a burning pain in the centre of his forehead. There was only so much of it he could stand before moving to the next pages (to the next page), but the book itself was impossible to put down. Before the day was over, he had read it cover to cover, and his head was swimming with forbidden secrets and ancient lore, though how much was true he couldn’t say. Finally putting the book away in his safe, Victor began to feel tired, like he hadn’t slept in days, and dropped unconscious onto his bed, still fully clothed.

Slowly, Victor opened his eyes, his head pounding for no real reason he could think of. It was Monday at last, and time to train his new assistant in his tricks and illusions. It would be an easy job, her really not needing to do much at all for most of the night except wave her arms and look good,(new sentence) and that, he felt, she would do very well. Arriving at his studio, where he practiced before heading to the stage at a nearby theatre, he found Sara already waiting.

“Ahh, you’re here sooner than I expected Sara, I like how eager you seem to begin. My last assistant was always late, though she did the job well. Are you ready to learn the secrets of a Master Illusionist?” he asked her as he unlocked the door and gestured for her to enter with a low bow and a little flourish. His headache was beginning to fade, though it was still bothering him a little, and he was careful to close the door quietly.

“Yes, I’m looking forward to learning this, I always loved the magic shows when I was younger. I always wanted to make myself disappear. (,)” she replied to him, almost sadly, even though she had a radiant smile etched on her face.

“Well then, this is going to be simple anyway. First show will be tonight and all you really have to do is keep the crowd(')s attention. Not so hard for someone as beautiful as you(,) I imagine.” he started, guiding her to a wardrobe and opening it to reveal the outfits within. “I expect you to wear one of these costumes here, but if you have a better one then wear anything to distract the crowd. Just choose something you feel comfortable with and don‘t worry about looking like an idiot, they expect a silly outfit anyway. Get changed, and then I can teach you a few of the tricks, so that you know where to keep the crowd focused, ok?”

“Yes Sir. Umm, do you mind leaving while I change? I don‘t see a changing room in here, and I don‘t think a few drinks has earned you a glimpse just yet” she winked back at him, walking over to the wardrobe and looking over the costumes on display.

Victor smiled and left the room, impressed with her cheery attitude, and wondering what the hell was going on with him. He wasn’t supposed to like people, these feelings just didn’t occur within him. Shaking it off, he got changed into his stage clothes, his long, red leather jacket and black trousers. Setting up his latest trick, new for tonight’s show, he looked over the fixings. It was a simple trick, but dangerous. He would be lowered into the giant tank of water, hands cuffed and linked via a strong chain attached to his sides and a key to the left cuff in a plastic box tied around his neck. The ‘trick’ part was the fake link in the chain, a little slight of hand would allow him to free his hands, and the rest would be simple. He had already gone through the practice stages, he could perform the trick perfectly. All he needed to teach Orokana was to distract the spectators. He was attaching the fake link to the chain when she walked in, dressed in a sequined one piece costume, red with silver speckles and wearing his top hat and a long black coat. Around her waist was a belt, the same colour as her hair, and looking like it was actually made from it, something he didn‘t own, so he figured she brought it herself. .

Victor was speechless for a second, a new experience for him, before the pain struck. His head burned, like nothing he had ever felt, the searing heat causing him to fall to the floor grasping at his head. Flashes of light forced there way into his mind, visions of a pink moon, of rings overlapping and glowing a deep red and of a bright purple woman, her features obscured by the glare of her purple (Intentional repetition?) skin, but the outline of a tail clearly visible. Slowly, the visions and pain faded away to be replaced by Sara’s face, looking over him with worry etched on her delicate features, her hand shaking his shoulder roughly. “W-what the hell just happened to me?” he slurred, shrugging off her hand rubbing his head where the pain was slowly receding. Sara, was just staring at him now, her mouth wide open as if she had seen a ghost. “I don’t know, one minute you were standing there staring at me and then you were shaking on the floor, screaming, and your head…” She walked closer, grabbing his face and inspecting his forehead. “I don’t understand, the symbols, they were here, just like the ones in my dreams!”

“Symbols? What are you talking about, you’re not making any sense now. I remember I was playing with my trick cuffs, then you waked in and….that’s it. Pain. A lot of it.” Victor stood up and waked over to the mirror on the wall, checking his head. There were no symbols there at all. “Are you sure you saw something? It could have been the light(,) you know, and I had a headache earlier anyway. Let’s just forget it for now, we’re running late as it is, I need to show you some of these tricks.”

Sara was still just staring at him, looking both worried and scared. “O-ok, we can eave it, but I swear they were there, the 3 (three) moons I saw. Right here.” she spoke, grabbing at his head again, sending a sight shooting pain into him. He brushed away her hand, muttering about being fine, and they spent the next few hours practicing the numerous tricks. They didn’t have enough time left to practice the water tank stunt, but he had gone over it before with his old assistant, and she had no real part in it except looking pretty, so he grabbed his gear and explained it all on the way.

The show was quite packed, probably the announcement he had made in the local newspaper about his new trick. Sara seemed to be developing some sort of stage fright too, toying with her strange belt a lot, but when he asked if she was ok, she merely smiled and nodded at him. Soon it was time, and they began their performance. This was the easy part, no faking of emotions necessary, just skilful showmanship, something Victor excelled at. Doves were released into the air when he performed his handkerchief transformation trick. The crowd cheered when he made his new assistant vanish, only for her to appear at the back of the theatre, holding a tray full of biscuits, throwing them out into the audience as she made her way back to the stage. Laughter filled the air as Victor pulled off the sleight of hand pick pocketing stunt, calling up a member of the audience only to rob the man of his phone and wallet, giving them back to him while stealing his watch at the same time, proving his skill for all to see.

Finally, the night came to an end, with only the one trick left to perform. Victor and Sara wheeled out the massive water tank, as a chain was lowered down from the ceiling above it. Victor turned to face the spectators, twirling his cane expertly between his fingers while he began his speech.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you have enjoyed tonight’s performance a(s) much as my assistant and I have enjoyed your reactions. You have laughed with us, gasped with us, you have participated when we needed willing victims…” he grinned at the crowd, pausing for effect, before throwing a small black wallet to the man in the front row, the one who had been in his pickpocket trick. (,) “…this man has even volunteered the contents of his wallet, which I’m afraid I cannot accept. All that is left is my newest hobby, escapism. This will not be a simple trick, there is no illusion here. I will be cuffed and suspended upside down, lowered into the tank full of water. I will have the key to the left cuff around my neck, but the right cuff has no key. Tonight, my wonderful audience, you will either see a daring escape, or a terrible tragedy, but however it ends, it has been a pleasure performing for you tonight.”

Turning with a flick of his long, red jacket, he stood in silence as Sara applied the restraints as he had shown her back at his studio. A set of steps were raised from the floor as smoke drifted in, provided by the machines at the side of the stage, and at last at the top of the steps, the hook on the chain was attached via another set of cuffs, locking his feet together.(too long) #(?)up went the chain, dragging him into the air, before slowly lowering him into the tank, and the final show began, as the massive clock above the stage ticked away, showing how long he could hold his breath for in seconds.

Victor could see through the glass walls, how his new assistant walked around with his cane, occasionally tapping the glass in the corners to draw the attention of the crowd. Victor had to admit she had done better than he thought she would, and as she pranced around with his cane, he twisted his wrist to unlock the false link. But it didn’t unlock. Panicking, he tried again, only to meet with more resistance, and his heart skipped when he remembered. He hadn’t attached it!!! He was doing so when Sara had walked in, and his head had flared with pain, and the link had been forgotten in the panic and confusion. Victor thrashed about in the water, tried to reach the key with his mouth, anything to free himself, but it was no use. He could see Sara looking a little worried now, glancing at the clock. She didn’t know exactly when he was supposed to escape though, they hadn’t practiced.

Resigned to his fate now, knowing this was the end of his life (For me, that's out of character!), Victor couldn’t hold his breath any longer. As the water started to enter his lungs when he tried to breathe, the agony returned, his head exploding in pain as if hit with a thousand needles at once. The images returned with the pain, the same as before, and then the world went black as everything stopped. Slowly, he opened his eyes again, not knowing what to expect, but sure that he was dead now. Instead, he found himself in the backstage area of the theatre again, on the floor in the setup section, surrounded by his props for the show. He glanced down at his outfit. He was in his stage clothes still, his hands cuffed to his side, the key still around his neck and he was soaking wet.

He could just about hear the voices from the stage, hear Sara telling the audience that he had decided escapism was too much effort, and vanished to Barbados for a quick drink. Well, at least she could improvise and stay calm under pressure, he thought to himself, deciding it would be best to wait until he was found rather than ruin what seemed to be a perfect, unexplainable ending to his show. As the crowd cheered and clapped away, presumably at Sara bowing, Victor shuffled over to sit on his trunk, waiting. His head was thumping, he had no idea what had happened, and the stupid images in his mind were fading quickly again. The curtain was lowered on the stage, he could see that from here, and the door to his area slowly opened as Sara walked in, looking confused and panicked. She jumped when she saw him sitting there, the grin on his face turning to shock as he stared at her. It wasn’t the jump that had shocked him, or the little scream she had let out. It was none of these things that made his jaw hit the floor. It was her belt, unravelling itself in the moment of her shock, falling to the floor. It wasn’t a belt at all. It was a tail, wrapped around her waist because she had nowhere else to put it ( ), a tail like the girl in his dreams. What Victor didn’t know, was that on his head were shining 3 symbols. Two crescent moons, with a full moon between them. Sara hadn’t jumped at seeing him, she had jumped at the symbols. They stared at each other in silence for what seemed like an eternity, before finally speaking in unison.


“Who ARE you??” (It looks better if you put the "are" in italics instead of using capital letters to emphasise it.)

That's the kind of story I've expected, to be brutally honest. An already more or less elaborated fantasy wrapped into a nonchalant style, the perfect stage for the character Victor. No, not perfect -- a little too small. I can see why you cannot stop writing at this point. However, as the answer to an assignment, it's more than enough. The only flaw in the storyline itself is indeed the fact that Victor did not check on his fake chain link. That just doesn't sound like the great magician. If he was capable of starting his show after his first vision, he was able to prepare properly, too.

Some more points:

I have trouble with it in my own stories, but try to keep your sentences shorter -- not boringly short, just shorter.

Use commas after direct speech as shown in the comments (I did not comment every single one, though, but feel free to correct all of them nonetheless).

Use commas before letting your characters address people in direct speech.

Occasionally you forgot the apostrophe in front of a genitive-s.

And when I listed the terms to be used within your story, I meant: Use the actual terms.

spectators
rave girl
forbidden knowledge

So far I only found "spectators".


Please re-post your edited story in this thread. And by the way: Good work!

[Venom]

Yes, with over 3300 words the story is a bit on the long side for an assignment, but that doesn't have to be a negative ponit. I'll post my comments to it within the next few days.

[Lagomorph]

Thanks. I got carried away, I really have to finish this story now. I can't stop...

[himannv]

Was interesting reading that Carstein. Hope I get to read the rest too. Enjoyed it.

[Lagomorph]

Was interesting reading that Carstein. Hope I get to read the rest too. Enjoyed it.

Thank you I read yours too, will there be more? I hope so, It was great, but the ending was such a tease!!!

[himannv]

Thank you I read yours too, will there be more? I hope so, It was great, but the ending was such a tease!!!

Haha I did write it with a part two in mind. I wasn't sure if Venom would ask me to write a second part to it so I tried to make it a suitable standalone scene as well.

Really enjoyed the theatrics of the water tank scene. Have no idea what to expect in the upcoming parts.

[Lagomorph]

Thanks for that himannv, i'm glad you joined us, but I never see you in chat anymore. ~frowns~ Anyway, if Venom doesn't ask for more of your story, you should at least inbox the rest to me. Thanks for the water tank comment, I know I can improve the scene where they agree not to discuss his blackout though. A friend told me it felt a little forced, and I agree.

[Venom]

It looks like I'll do Level 2, too, and I don't plan on making your stories the topic of the forthcoming assignments. Nevertheless I encourage both of you to post your complete works in Story Reviews/Story Feed back or in the Library itself, where a lot more people can read them.

[Lagomorph]

Ahh, thanks, i'll get on this soon. I've been aware I use sentences that are way too long for a while now anyway, I really need to fix that. I thought you meant concepts, as in have a rave girl there, not the actual words, but it won't be hard to squeeze em in. And Victor didn't check becaue of the headace. I know he would probably still check anyway, but it's slightly believable I think, that he may forget during such confusion. Toodles.

[Venom]

Take your time.

[Lagomorph]

Ok, all your point's dealt with I think, except the 'out of character' part, which I rather liked. I don't know exactly how a sociopath would think in that situation, but there was clearly nothing he could do, and I thought he would be calm in the end. He is a logical thinker, not emotional, after all.




Victor was a little drunk. It was late here, in the Bar-Barrellas night club in the small town near Manchester, and he had been here a while now drowning his sorrows. He was a magician, a bloody good one at that. The problem was that his show had started to fail him now, drawing a smaller and smaller crowd with every appearance. Today had been the last straw, and his assistant had quit, storming off in a fit after he had lost his temper with her. It had been over a trivial matter too, the location of his cane, the one he used as a kind of wand for dramatic effect.

Looking around the bar, he needed to find something to do, somebody to do even. He wasn’t the most sex-crazed man ever, being basically a high-functioning sociopath, unable to feel any real feelings, but having a good enough grasp on the concepts to wade through every day life regardless. Still, he wanted some interaction right now, any interaction. Conversation would be best, and he spotted a good target, a beautiful young woman, no older than twenty he guessed, and carrying herself in a rather guarded stance. Sure, she was a bit of a rave girl and dancing around, but she never let herself get too close to any of the guys around her, of which there were many. He watched her for some time before she made her way over to the bar, aiming to get herself a drink it seemed.

“Excuse me, I, umm…can I buy you this drink?” he asked, feigning being nervous to put her a little at ease. He was a good-looking man, he knew it for a fact, but he couldn’t just rely on that alone with somebody like this. He was going to have to charm her. “I could see you dancing up there, and you looked just so damn lovely, I think I wanna get to know you better. I could try a chat up line, if you like,” he carried on, trying to break any tension she would feel being approached by yet another guy who thought he had a chance.

The moment of truth was here, he thought, looking into her green eyes as she considered his offer. He could see the wheels turning in her head. She would be thinking could she trust this man? He knew he didn’t seem dangerous. He looked great too, and he was well spoken. He knew he had her when he saw the smile appear, and allowed himself to smile back, pulling out a stool for her to sit on. She sat down with her drink as he paid, a fruity concoction she began to drink through a straw before talking to him. “A chat up line? Does that little speech count?” she giggled, sipping her drink through the straw and looking him over. “I suppose I could entertain you a little then, stranger, I‘m getting tired of dancing anyway. So many perverts trying to rub up on me, ya know?. My name is Sara by the way,” she smiled, toying with the straw while she looked him over from her closer position. “Hah, it’s nice to meet you, Sara, I promise I won‘t try to get too close to you now, but feel free to rub up on me. They call me Victor, when they aren‘t calling me amazing.” Victor laughed, his easy smile, worn on his face like a convincing mask creeping onto his face. So, I hear that I‘m supposed to just listen to whatever you have to say and nod along, but it seems all too boring for me. Can‘t pick up a girl that way, so lets take turns asking questions. ‘What do you do for a living’ is a good one” Victor grinned at her, edging his stool closer to her and resting against the bar to hear her out.

The rest of the night passed all too quickly, Victor enjoying the company of this strange woman, and seemingly, she had enjoyed his in return. She had stuck around for several more drinks anyway, telling him much about herself, though nothing of why she was so guarded, Her eyes had lit up when he had mentioned his profession, and his assistant’s departure, and she had casually slipped the fact that she was looking for a job into the conversation. He had left her with his number and a promise that she could try out for the position, sure that she would at least provide eye candy for his viewers. To be honest, he had been a little disappointed when she had to leave. Gathering his things and making his way out through the crowd himself, Victor hailed a cab and called it a night, looking forward to the following Monday when he would be able to see her again at her “audition“. It was strange that he even wanted to, being a loner all his life, but there was something about this one, and he looked forward to teaching her his tricks.

Until Monday, Victor had little to do, spending his time looking through his books in search of his obsession: real magic. He had studied for years now, certain that there was more to this world than just the mundane existence he had been living. His job was good for him, and had paid the bills so far, but he wanted power, knowledge, control. He wanted to be able to take anything he desired, and he would find the answer someday, he was sure of it. He had just taken another shipment of books as it happened, and he settled down to read one. It was a large and dusty tome, with archaic symbols all across the front, most prominent of which were the moon images, a full moon flanked by two crescents, facing opposite directions.

This book turned out to be a shocking read, full of forbidden knowledge that contradicted what his grasp of science told him, turning some facts completely on their heads if any of it could be believed. At parts it read like a madman’s dreams, telling of strange lands existing in between worlds, the sunlight never reached and the moonlight never faded and in others it wasn’t even readable. The text was replaced with the symbols on the cover, but written in lines like any other language. His eyes seemed to slide off these pages as he tried to decipher them, and he would get a burning pain in the centre of his forehead. There was only so much of it he could stand before moving to the next page, but the book itself was impossible to put down. Before the day was over, he had read it cover to cover, and his head was swimming with forbidden secrets and ancient lore, though how much was true he couldn’t say. Finally putting the book away in his safe, Victor began to feel tired, like he hadn’t slept in days, and dropped unconscious onto his bed, still fully clothed.

Slowly, Victor opened his eyes, his head pounding for no real reason he could think of. It was Monday at last, and time to train his new assistant in his tricks and illusions. It would be an easy job, her really not needing to do much at all for most of the night except wave her arms and look good. At least that, he felt, she would do very well. Arriving at his studio, where he practiced before heading to the stage at a nearby theatre, he found Sara already waiting.

“Ahh, you’re here sooner than I expected Sara, I like how eager you seem to begin. My last assistant was always late, though she did the job well. Are you ready to learn the secrets of a Master Illusionist?” he asked her as he unlocked the door and gestured for her to enter with a low bow and a little flourish. His headache was beginning to fade, though it was still bothering him a little, and he was careful to close the door quietly.

“Yes, I’m looking forward to learning this, I always loved the magic shows when I was younger. I always wanted to make myself disappear,” she replied to him, almost sadly, even though she had a radiant smile etched on her face.

“Well then, this is going to be simple anyway. First show will be tonight and all you really have to do is keep the crowds attention. Not so hard for someone as beautiful as you, I imagine.” he started, guiding her to a wardrobe and opening it to reveal the outfits within. “I expect you to wear one of these costumes here, but if you have a better one then wear anything to distract the crowd. Just choose something you feel comfortable with and don‘t worry about looking like an idiot, they expect a silly outfit anyway. Get changed, and then I can teach you a few of the tricks, so that you know where to keep the crowd focused, ok?”

“Yes Sir. Umm, do you mind leaving while I change? I don‘t see a changing room in here, and I don‘t think a few drinks has earned you a glimpse just yet” she winked back at him, walking over to the wardrobe and looking over the costumes on display.

Victor smiled and left the room, impressed with her cheery attitude, and wondering what the hell was going on with him. He wasn’t supposed to like people, these feelings just didn’t occur within him. Shaking it off, he got changed into his stage clothes, his long , red leather jacket and black trousers. Setting up his latest trick, new for tonight’s show, he looked over the fixings. It was a simple trick, but dangerous. He would be lowered into the giant tank of water, hands cuffed and linked via a strong chain attached to his sides and a key to the left cuff in a plastic box tied around his neck. The ‘trick’ part was the fake link in the chain, a little slight of hand would allow him to free his hands, and the rest would be simple. He had already gone through the practice stages, he could perform the trick perfectly. All he needed to teach Orokana was to distract the spectators. He was attaching the fake link to the chain when she walked in, dressed in a sequined one piece costume, red with silver speckles and wearing his top hat and a long black coat. Around her waist was a belt, the same colour as her hair, and looking like it was actually made from it, something he didn‘t own, so he figured she brought it herself. .

Victor was speechless for a second, a new experience for him, before the pain struck. His head burned, like nothing he had ever felt, the searing heat causing him to fall to the floor grasping at his head. Flashes of light forced there way into his mind, visions of a pink moon, of rings overlapping and glowing a deep red and of a bright purple woman, her features obscured by the glare of her purple skin, but the outline of a tail clearly visible. Slowly, the visions and pain faded away to be replaced by Sara’s face, looking over him with worry etched on her delicate features, her hand shaking his shoulder roughly. “W-what the hell just happened to me?” he slurred, shrugging off her hand rubbing his head where the pain was slowly receding. Sara, was just staring at him now, her mouth wide open as if she had seen a ghost. “I don’t know, one minute you were standing there staring at me and then you were shaking on the floor, screaming, and your head…” She walked closer, grabbing his face and inspecting his forehead. “ I don’t understand, the symbols, they were here, just like the ones in my dreams!”

“Symbols? What are you talking about, you’re not making any sense now. I remember I was playing with my trick cuffs, then you waked in and….that’s it. Pain. A lot of it.” Victor stood up and waked over to the mirror on the wall, checking his head. There were no symbols there at all. “Are you sure you saw something? It could have been the light, you know, and I had a headache earlier anyway. Let’s just forget it for now, we’re running late as it is, I need to show you some of these tricks.”

Sara was still just staring at him, looking both worried and scared. “O-ok, we can eave it, but I swear they were there, the three moons I saw. Right here.” she spoke, grabbing at his head again, sending a sight shooting pain into him. He brushed away her hand, muttering about being fine, and they spent the next few hours practicing the numerous tricks. They didn’t have enough time left to practice the water tank stunt, but he had gone over it before with his old assistant, and she had no real part in it except looking pretty, so he grabbed his gear and explained it all on the way.

The show was quite packed, probably the announcement he had made in the local newspaper about his new trick. Sara seemed to be developing some sort of stage fright too, toying with her strange belt a lot, but when he asked if she was ok, she merely smiled and nodded at him. Soon it was time, and they began their performance. This was the easy part, no faking of emotions necessary, just skilful showmanship, something Victor excelled at. Doves were released into the air when he performed his handkerchief transformation trick. The crowd cheered when he made his new assistant vanish, only for her to appear at the back of the theatre, holding a tray full of biscuits, throwing them out into the audience as she made her way back to the stage. Laughter filled the air as Victor pulled off the sleight of hand pick pocketing stunt, calling up a member of the audience only to rob the man of his phone and wallet, giving them back to him while stealing his watch at the same time, proving his skill for all to see.

Finally, the night came to an end, with only the one trick left to perform. Victor and Sara wheeled out the massive water tank, as a chain was lowered down from the ceiling above it. Victor turned to face the spectators, twirling his cane expertly between his fingers while he began his speech.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you have enjoyed tonight’s performance as much as my assistant and I have enjoyed your reactions. You have laughed with us, gasped with us, you have participated when we needed willing victims…” he grinned at the crowd, pausing for effect, before throwing a small black wallet to the man in the front row, the one who had been in his pickpocket trick, “…this man has even volunteered the contents of his wallet, which I’m afraid I cannot accept. All that is left is my newest hobby, escapism. This will not be a simple trick, there is no illusion here. I will be cuffed and suspended upside down, lowered into the tank full of water. I will have the key to the left cuff around my neck, but the right cuff has no key. Tonight, my wonderful audience, you will either see a daring escape, or a terrible tragedy, but however it ends, it has been a pleasure performing for you tonight.”

Turning with a flick of his long, red jacket, he stood in silence as Sara applied the restraints as he had shown her back at his studio. A set of steps were raised from the floor as smoke drifted in, provided by the machines at the side of the stage. At the top of the steps, the hook on the chain was attached via another set of cuffs, locking his feet together. Up went the chain, dragging him into the air, before slowly lowering him into the tank, and the final show began, as the massive clock above the stage ticked away, showing how long he could hold his breath for in seconds.

Victor could see through the glass walls, how his new assistant walked around with his cane, occasionally tapping the glass in the corners to draw the attention of the crowd. Victor had to admit she had done better than he thought she would, and as she pranced around with his cane, he twisted his wrist to unlock the false link. But it didn’t unlock. Panicking, he tried again, only to meet with more resistance, and his heart skipped when he remembered. He hadn’t attached it!!! He was doing so when Sara had walked in, and his head had flared with pain, and the link had been forgotten in the panic and confusion. Victor thrashed about in the water, tried to reach the key with his mouth, anything to free himself, but it was no use. He could see Sara looking a little worried now, glancing at the clock. She didn’t know exactly when he was supposed to escape though, they hadn’t practiced.

Resigned to his fate now, knowing this was the end of his life, Victor couldn’t hold his breath any longer. As the water started to enter his lungs when he tried to breathe, the agony returned, his head exploding in pain as if hit with a thousand needles at once. The images returned with the pain, the same as before, and then the world went black as everything stopped. Slowly, he opened his eyes again, not knowing what to expect, but sure that he was dead now. Instead, he found himself in the backstage area of the theatre again, on the floor in the setup section, surrounded by his props for the show. He glanced down at his outfit. He was in his stage clothes still, his hands cuffed to his side, the key still around his neck and he was soaking wet.

He could just about hear the voices from the stage, hear Sara telling the audience that he had decided escapism was too much effort, and vanished to Barbados for a quick drink. Well, at least she could improvise and stay calm under pressure, he thought to himself, deciding it would be best to wait until he was found rather than ruin what seemed to be a perfect, unexplainable ending to his show. As the crowd cheered and clapped away, presumably at Sara bowing, Victor shuffled over to sit on his trunk, waiting. His head was thumping, he had no idea what had happened, and the stupid images in his mind were fading quickly again. The curtain was lowered on the stage, he could see that from here, and the door to his area slowly opened as Sara walked in, looking confused and panicked. She jumped when she saw him sitting there, the grin on his face turning to shock as he stared at her. It wasn’t the jump that had shocked him, or the little scream she had let out. It was none of these things that made his jaw hit the floor. It was her belt, unravelling itself in the moment of her shock, falling to the floor. It wasn’t a belt at all. It was a tail, wrapped around her waist because she had nowhere else to put it, a tail like the girl in his dreams. What Victor didn’t know, was that on his head were shining three symbols. Two crescents, with a full moon between them. Sara hadn’t jumped at seeing him, she had jumped at the symbols. They stared at each other in silence for what seemed like an eternity, before finally speaking in unison.


“Who are you??”

[Venom]

I saw it and will comment it soon.

[Venom]

Looking good. Only one minor thing: You have corrected a sentence to She would be thinking could she trust this man? -- yet there's still something odd with it. It is neither direct speech (no quotation marks, and "she" instead of "I"), nor indirect speech (for that, an "if" or a "whether" is needed, or you have to get rid of the She would be thinking... -- which, in turn, would change the p.o.v. again). Think about it on your way to Level 2.

Don't become too excited by the fact that you've needed just two assignments for Level 1 -- in Level 2 a guest instructor is already waiting for you, and he won't be as lenient as I am...

[Lagomorph]

Ok. I have another guy PMing Torq for access now too. ^_^ Hope you don't mind more people in here.

[Venom]

The more, the better...

[Lagomorph]

Good, cos I have yet another 2, maybe 3 as well as Lupine who may join. I'm asking around in chat, heh.

[lil ashley]

This might have made me want to read on.... under the "show me don't tell me theory" just a suggestion...
Victor knew he was a damn good magician but with each show the ratio of empty seats to patrons was growing. And not in his favor. Growing too was the frustration of his assistant as she stormed off after he chastized her over a simple misplacement of a cane intrigal to his performance. Damn the girl anyway.
He needed new magic and tossed back a few shots of bad whiskey in the locale of his latest disaster, an off the grid bar in Manchester.