Wanting Advice

[Maela Frost]

Now, I suppose I should give some background information. My husband and I have been together two years now and married one. I'm the one whose mostly into the whole BDSM thing, but my husband does enjoy aspects of it. So, because of this I'd have to say that most things we do are fairly mild and fairly vanilla with just a bit of extra kinky stuff thrown in every now and again. We own a cat of nine tails whip, we have a blindfold, handcuffs with those little fur things that cover them, a blindfold, some long pieces of cloth for tying each other up, and a buzzer and dildo for me. So, nothing too extreme whatsoever. My husband normally takes the lead with things whenever I want something more on the BDSM spectrum of things, so, I'd say he is the more dominant one in our relationship. For the most part he doesn't seem to understand anything about the BDSM world and while I've tried to explain my take on it and what I want from that lifestyle I don't think I ever manage to describe it correctly. Sometimes he also likes for me to take control of the situation and I always try my best to use these times to demonstrate to the best of my ability what it's like to have one person be the dom and the other the sub. I normally tie him up with one of the aforementioned cloths and put another around his eyes because he has a habit of peeking down through the blindfold at me whenever I try putting that on him. While I try to take charge I think I mostly fail for two different reasons. The first is that he always wants to take control back on his terms whenever he gets too horny and starts trying to make demands. Not an untie me or stop demand as I know that I should stop then. It's more of a you need to climb on top of me and cum on me sort of thing when I'm trying to do more of the getting him close to orgasm and then stopping or slowing down enough that he can't sort of thing. You know, trying to take control of the situation as he said he wanted at the beginning of the play time session. Now, my second problem is that I have a hard time being the dominant in general as I'm a very reserved, shy person who has a hard time giving orders or talking dirty. I don't like to cuss or say words that seem dirty. I even used to have a hard time wanting to read those words in books. While I'm comfortable enough in my sexuality now as to be able to read those sorts of words other than the cuss words, I definitely can't say them. I mean, it's so bad that for the first year me and my husband were together I couldn't even call sex. well,. sex, I always asked if he wanted to "play". So, not being able to dirty talk definitely takes some of the fun out of it and makes it hard to have anything to find to say while taking charge of the situation. Of course, on the other side of the spectrum is my husband being in charge and leading things where I would honestly think things could be so, so good and yet things still seem to fall short even with his very dominant nature and my very submissive nature. He can dirty talk some, but doesn't quite feel comfortable with it since he's worried about crossing boundaries. Of course, lately he seems to have issues with dirty talk altogether. He used to call me things like a tart and a dirty street walker and once called me a whore in which case he started to practically have a meltdown because he was worried about offending me even though I assured him I didn't mind it during one of our play sessions, as long as he didn't call me such a thing during our everyday lives. He is plenty comfortable with cussing and saying whatever else he wants as long as he's not worried about insulting me. Aside from the dirty talk, he mostly has only ever tied me up, blindfolded me, and sometimes pulls my hair. There was one week almost a year ago where he was comfortable using the whip on me and pouring candle wax on each other's backs. Still, it's like he isn't comfortable with BDSM because as far as I can tell he's stuck on the loving aspect of sex. He feels that sex is a way of us expressing our love for each other and he feels as if he's worried about my perception of him changing when he engages in anything too rough. However, I honestly feel like it's good for both of us. He gets angry a lot, not in a violent towards other people way. Mostly just in a punch the fall and raise his voice and want to start a brawl with his coworkers ( which are okay as they agree and wage money on who can win, it's always him) sort of way. When he used to be more willing to do less vanilla things with me he used to get a lot of stress out in a healthy way that allowed him to be happier and more lovey dovey with me during normal parts of our life. For me, I honestly really enjoy playing the submissive role and feeling like he is taking control. Sex honestly almost feels numb for me without being tied up at the very least. I love the rougher, deeper tone he has when he's acting all alpha and when he's angry and it really turns me on. However he really just doesn't seem to understand much about what I need and want, that BDSM can be about love for one another, or even how to go about doing things. For my part, I just really wish I had an idea of how to take control of things when he wants me to and how to keep the control when that's what he said he wanted.

[Iceweasel]

First off I would say it's pretty normal for things not to turn out exactly as expected, especially in the beginning, so try your best not to focus on the negatives. Your post has a lot of different questions and ideas rolled into it, but for the most part I would say communication is lacking. There are two things you should do an internet search on: BDSM negotiation forms, and what is BDSM videos.

The negotiation form will provide you both a way to communicate what it is you would like/dislike to do. Though a form may seem a bit formal for a married couple, writing it down helps a lot. Not only can you reference it later, but just the act of writing it will help you to understand what you want, and him to understand what he wants. I believe there is an example of a form here on the forums, and hopefully someone else can provide the link for you.

The what is BDSM videos can be a great help for understanding why someone would want to do this in the first place. My wife really didn't understand why I was into the idea, but when I showed her a couple videos about it being a deeper connection and binding experience she was much more on board. I would search by yourself first and when you find videos that best reflect your idea of BDSM, watch them with your husband. I think my wife also felt that she didn't want to hurt me or pervert our relationship, when it really ended up bringing us closer together.

Lastly if you would like to try dominating your husband, remember you are the one who is in control. Give yourself a title and make him address you in that way (my wifes title is mistress, but it can be whatever you want). Give him a set of rules to follow and if he disobeys punish him appropriately (call him a bad slave, spanking, nipple twist, ice on his body, ect.). I would suggest rule one be only speak when spoken to. You can also have fun with this by giving him a rule you know he will break, or a challenge he can't complete (I have had my wife attempt to remove my boxers with her hands tied behind her back in 30 seconds, she gets a flogging for failure).

At the end of the day communication is key, talk to each other and i'm sure you will find what you are looking for.