chalsia
yearning for surrender

inching my way closer and closer to my 30th birthday and catching up with my mom's 29th i seem to get braver and braver. Actually been attending more and more munches and getting to know people. Although i have this invisible shield around me .. proclaiming that i'm really not interested in anyone, that i'm not searching for anyone. But of course.. deep down that is a lie. I'm searching, i'm looking. Even on here i'm searching and even get a bit jealous as girls find *their Master*. Why is it so

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So, i joined here in July.. baby steps i promised myself.. reading and learning i wanted to do. Integrate the knowledge from here and go to munches.. sorta find the balance of what i wanted, what i was searching for.
And yet .. nothing happened. yes i started to speak with some people, thought about getting more serious with one, but it did not happen. i was not for him. maybe i'm getting anxious maybe i need more patience. Maybe things are simply not meant to be for me. Perhaps i'm simply

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i hate chat rooms, i hate feeling that i take stuff even remotely serious. i hate myself for that more then i can even put into words. Actually writing this with tears streaming down my face, because i just simply have to put my emotions and feelings into words, so perhaps i will learn from it, perhaps i will look back and shake my head and will not get things get to me like they do. I mean it's just a chat room right?
i have met some great people here .. one more then just great and i thought

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Here goes some more ramblings from someone like me.
I have been lurking a bit in the chat here and actually to the point now that i say hello so some of the girls. It is an easy place to just sit and watch and learn. And yes i'm learning. But here is my question and my thoughts on something. For the second time in about a couple of weeks now someone sorta got upset with me, because i did not address him with Sir. I have given this a great deal of thought and i'm still not sure how to handle

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well here are some more random thoughts:

i have been lurking here .. spending some time in the chat room, getting to know some people. And i have a question or concern.
i suppose it is a submissive desire to feel that collar around his or her neck. So much so that it seems almost desperate.. so much so that some feel *left* out when they do not have this symbol of belonging wrapped around their neck. My question though is, does such collar have a Velcro fastener? Ok ok let

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