Miss Mei Chui

Dear Miss Mei, i humbly think it is only natural to turn inward in a new environment, having less acquaintances around.
In your first wonderful blog i can see three elements of humiliation:
1.) physical violence,
2.) sexual abuse,
3.) racist degradation.
I think sex and humiliation are strongly connected in your subconscious. So they are in mine, only i need physical pain, too, and sex is less important for me.
Thank you for being frank and open. You know how to write.

I know how you feel, a few months ago I was quite similar: spent SO much time fantasizing and wanting...needing...to fulfill them. A lot of mine were violent and included complete loss of control, somewhat similar to the fantasy you posted. I ended up joining the Library to try to work it out, and found myself taking a step into a relationship with a very close friend of mine. Hopefully you'll find the answers you're looking for soon, and maybe take that step yourself eventually as well if that's what you decide you really want to do.