Resist
Lighten up (or: Three Simple Tips on how to not be a douchebag)
by , 12-28-2008 at 10:32 PM (2624 Views)
Okay, okay, I know we're all very serious about this BDSM thing. She belongs to him, or her, or them, or he does, or whatever. Sir this, Miss that, Mistress, etc, blah blah blah blah blah.
I want to rant about this phenomenon, but first, a disclaimer:
I fully understand--and interpret according how I see fit--the BDSM relationship. It is not to be taken lightly, per se, owning or being owned by another. Devoting yourself to someone completely or taking on the responsibility of a submissive shouldn't be done without serious thought to consequence and repercussion. That said, I want to say:
LIGHTEN UP!!!
For the purpose of this rant, I will be using myself and my beautiful sub, Irresistible, as an example.
(Disclaimer #2: If you've not read my first blog, be warned that I sometimes get carried away in terms of metaphor and simile, carrying words like precious jewels through the perilous Arabesque deserts of this blog. See? That was just example. That was nothing, man. You've been warned.)
I've had a real-life D/s relationship in the past, and I consider my current one real-life as well, even if her physical proximity isn't immediate. That aside, I spend a considerable amount of time on this site, mostly for reasons of picking up ideas and, essentially, observing the myriad ways in which people here consistently make assholes of themselves. The area I spend the most amount of time in is Chat, and Jesus Fucking Christ, you guys--you need to chill the fuck out.
I regularly get slapped on the wrist by the mods there--this is something I am not ashamed of. This happens because I am "disruptive". I accept this; I do not break the chat rules, but I bend them, and this is why:
I feel like 99% of what happens in there is pseudo foreplay--completely fake in nature, only a show to get to the prize: sexual interaction. My favorite example of this farcical behavior is the absurd over-use of the titles Sir and Miss.
As important as people claim using Sir and Miss, etc, is for all subs, in chat and, I believe, in general, these titles are largely arbitrary and meaningless--that is, devoid of the intended value, respect, and replaced instead with a sort of plastic doublespeak which means "I will jump through X hoops in order to do Y activity with/to you." This is not respect. This is, (ironically), Pavlovian training.
I do not like being called Sir by someone I don't know because I know that they do not know me and thus cannot possibly respect me. I do not like people hitting on my girl because I know that they do not know her can cannot possibly comprehend what an amazing individual she is.
I do not demand my girl calls me Sir. She does so, naturally, when I actually take complete control of her--when I have melted her completely and she is nothing other than that which I want her to be--only then does the title of "Sir" drift from her lips like a flower petal on a spring breeze; only then does it hold the meaning which so many struggle (and, in my opinion, absolutely fail) to convey.
Thus, I get in trouble, because I attempt to Resist (ah, yes, now you're beginning to see) falling into that sterile pattern of impersonality, replacing who I am with what I desire. For example, tonight, I tried to make a joke in chat that I was an anthropologist studying a species of primates (which we all are) who crave nothing but sexual stimulation, relegating all other forms of personality and sustenance in lieu of it. Well, I was--ahem--talked to about my behavior because one or two of the people in the room couldn't see the humor in their gropings for stimulation and attention. I did this only because I wanted to see something other than people trying to fuck each other. Yes, this is a sexually-oriented site; but I fail to see how communicating and seeing one another outside of this sliver of of our lives could be detrimental to said propositioning.
I do this sort of thing because what we need to understand is that our desires come from who we are--they don't create who we are. We define our desires--they don't define us. I am Resist, a dominant man who loves his submissive girl very much--enough to know that she is much more than an object for my satisfaction, enough to make sure she knows that I don't see her as such, and enough to still use her as such in a way that reinforces and who we are and not just what we want.
I hope this makes sense, so far. The reason I'm writing this is far simpler than my slightly abstract meanderings preceding; I simply want to post a few guidelines on how, in Chat or anywhere else, one can avoid the pitfalls of becoming just another Dom or Sub--to avoid the cliché (and frankly boring) this-and-that of Chat and BDSM in general--to make your identity your own, and thus, feel more comfortable in your relationships and not have to get so defensive and serious all the time.
1. Do/say things that have NOTHING to do with BDSM. Get in a pillow fight, talk about world issues, personal ambitions and dreams, what you love and what you hate. Forge your identity outside of BDSM--it will only make your BDSM identity clearer and thus, further your enjoyment of what so many oh-so-seriously call "the lifestyle".
2. Joke! Humor is sweeter than fucking ambrosia. You can't live if you can't laugh, and if you can't laugh at yourself, you can't laugh at all. Don't get your leather panties in a bunch if someone jokes about your lifestyle, (or if you're dealing with me, your grammar). Laugh and get over it--hell, make a joke about them. Laughter can only strengthen our community bonds and our personal bonds, not to mention personal confidence and general enjoyment of life. Besides, a better demeanor equates to better sex, if nothing else.
3. Take a step back and try to see others not just for what they say, but what they're trying to accomplish. Most people don't want you--they only want something from you. Filter these assholes out and you'll have a tighter bond with those genuine individuals in your life. Don't hate the rest--just take a hint from #2--laugh and move on. It simply isn't worth it to get upset.
Anway, time for me to ride into the sunset like a stereotypical sunset-rider. I hope this has been helpful. I know that if even one person takes this to heart, I'll be able to enjoy talking to at least him or her a little bit extra. So, you know--do it for me!
This is Resist saying, "I may be an asshole, but at least I'm not a fuckin' asshole." Until next time.
R
PS: People in chat: Capitalizing pronouns (him, her, his, hers, my, etc, etc, etc), to convey some sort of respect is fucking ridiculous. Honestly, when you say "Get down and lick My boot", you're just making yourself look silly. Just a heads-up.
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