Narcissa Noxx

I found this at Tumblr and I knew it had to be the topic of my first post. When I explain my world view, the question I usually get first is “Are you serious?” Yes. I am.

When I was a little girl I watched my mother do everything she could to support and love my father. He was in the military and traveled frequently, leaving her with the burden of not only caring for the house but also the kids, largely by herself. She never complained. In fact, she often reminded us how grateful we should be that our father loved us enough to work so hard.

It was a lesson I really took to heart. My father’s friends started to notice me at a fairly early age. I’ll write more on that later, but I assure you I never once felt frightened or violated by their attention. Just the opposite, in fact. I was proud they noticed me! I felt like the good girl they told me I was.

All that changed when a social worker visited our school. She handed out a test to help us figure out what we wanted to be when we grew up. I thought I knew - I wanted to get married to a good man and have his children, just like my mother. But this enlightened soul told us not to settle for such things. We needed a career!! We needed to compete with the boys! We needed to be strong and confident in the workplace!

Um, ok, but… what about all the stuff I was taught about being a good girl and doing everything I was told? I’m not talking about my father’s friends. I’m talking about my parents, my teachers, heck my doctor, my pastor… every authority figure I ever knew! Until this point I knew what a good girl was, what a good girl did, and what I wanted to be when I grew up.

Most of you have experienced the same conflicting messages. Be a good girl. Be submissive. Do as you’re told. Be ladylike. Focus on your family, focus on your husband, make yourself pretty, always be polite. At the same time study hard, get good grades, get into an excellent college, prepare for a high powered corporate career. Sacrifice any personal goal in favor of succeeding in a man’s world. Be stronger than they are, be more ruthless, be smarter, more ambitious. That’s the only way they’ll respect you.

At the same time as we’re dressing conservatively but behaving aggressively for the work place and being pretty, demure and ladylike at home, I must never, under any circumstance, have sex. NEVER. Because it’s the only thing a man values. Give that away and you have nothing left to offer. No man will ever marry you.

Ok, seriously. Say WHAT?

How am I supposed to be a ruthless corporate executive who sacrifices all her time to succeed in a man’s world while simultaneously being a demure, submissive, ladylike married mother of incredibly brilliant children? Especially when neither of these split personalities is supposed to have sex!

The Joker said it best. “You left me in a black hole of rage and confusion! Is that the kind of medicine you practice Doctor?”

I tried. I really did. In High School I tried to maintain a high GPA, be active in clubs, choir and theater and date just enough. But the conflicting messages were already confusing me almost to the point of madness, especially when I learned about BDSM!

My introduction to the scene came when I was 16. I was at my first high school party and I’d never been drunk before, but the seniors brought enough booze for everyone. We started playing truth or dare - my dare was to let one guy in the room do anything he wanted to me for 15 minutes. I was just drunk enough to think this was a great idea, and picked the most gorgeous guy in theater club.

It started as a joke. He laughed, then took off his belt. That was enough to get nearly everyone’s attention. He formed the belt into an impromptu collar, then slipped it over my head and led me into the parking lot. I was so confused! I knew this was a game, but to me it was the sexiest thing I could imagine. I tried to tell myself to calm down, because it didn’t mean anything to him. He told me to put my hands behind my back, then he led me to his car and put me in the back seat.

When he slid in next to me I think I forgot how to breathe. He didn’t take the collar off. In fact, he held onto it a little tighter, enough to pull my head back a bit against the seat. Then he told me not to move as he reached to unfasten my jeans. He didn’t ask, he didn’t say anything else. He just slid his hand down into the opening, under my panties, straight between my legs.

I was so wet he didn’t have any trouble. But I think I surprised him. I didn’t say stop, or no, or wait… instead I spread my legs wider and tilted my hips, allowing him better access. His fingers curled naturally into me - he started finger fucking me before either of us really had time to process what was happening.

At that moment I think I would have done anything he told me to. It was the first time I experienced submissive headspace - it would have been so easy for him to simply fuck me then and there. Or at least tell me to go down on him. Maybe that’s why he pulled back. Something about the way I reacted caused him to retreat, much to my disappointment and confusion. He pulled his hand away, took the belt from around my neck, then told me to get out of the car. I got out, closed the door, and he simply walked away as I was buttoning my jeans.

I was crushed. I couldn’t figure out what I had done wrong, but the rest of the party was entirely awkward. My friends joked about what happened, but I could tell it made them uneasy. He took off about half an hour later, and I left about five minutes after he did.

I told that story to illustrate just how confusing it is to be a modern woman. Am I supposed to be a corporate mastermind? A devoted mother? A submissive 50′s style housewife? A slut in the back seat of your car? Apparently to be a successful woman I’m supposed to be all of them simultaneously. And that is complete nonsense. I drove myself totally crazy trying to have it all, trying to do it all, trying to be everything everyone expected of me. For all my efforts I ended up alone and totally miserable, working against my true nature.

So yes. I do believe that what modern women are taught to hold dear is a complete lie. I understand why the Suffragettes did what they did, and I admire their courage. But ladies, you didn’t have a defined end game. You didn’t know when to stop. You didn’t know when enough was enough and never considered what you would do with your new found freedoms. You thought winning them was enough. That left the following generations to flounder around, trying to define the position of the new modern woman. Without a clear vision, they settled for “We’re as good as a man”, which essentially doomed the movement.

Ladies, we’re not men. Take a moment, let that sink in. We are NOT men. We’re not supposed to be men. We’re not “as good as a man”, we’re certainly not equal to a man. We’re entirely different. There’s no scale to judge us by in comparison to a man. It’s like saying “I’m the finest pear in the city, and I’m certainly better than a tire!”

Um… what?

We exist to create babies. We are designed to have a strong lower back, to bear the weight of the child growing within us. Our hips are wider to promote giving birth. Our breasts swell to feed the babies once their born. THIS IS WHAT WE DO. Our minds are designed to multi-task, allowing us to care for several children at once. And when we see a strong male, it is our natural inclination to spread our legs and breed. This is not being a slut. This is not being a whore. This is, simply put, being a woman.

It’s up to both genders not to deny our natural impulses. But we’re so confused that even when the ideal opportunity presents itself, neither knows what to do. Women are just as sexual as men are, they’re just stimulated by different things. Men are visual. They love to see signs of obvious arousal. Women are turned on by ideas, but believe me, gentlemen, they have a sex drive that rivals your own. Why do I even have to say that? You should know this already. But you’re taught that women don’t want sex, don’t enjoy sex, must endure sex. Funny, that’s what we’re taught too. And it’s nonsense!

Men, you should be encouraged to treat a woman as the purely sexual object she is. Women, you should be encouraged to respond in kind. This should be the least taboo act we perform! Sex is our most basic instinct. But we’ve forgotten. No, we’ve been indoctrinated to believe just the opposite. Sex is a sin. DENY IT! And it’s a hard lesson to overcome. I spent decades trying to figure out the truth, and came to it too late for anyone to want me.

That’s why I’m here. If I can’t lead by example, let me be the terrible warning. Ladies, don’t end up like me. Don’t put yourself through that madness. We’re taught nothing but lies. Your body wants to breed. You are sexy, you are attractive, your legs should be spread to take a man’s cock deep within you. It’s a very difficult lesson to learn, and most won’t be able to overcome all the lies our parents believed, and their parents before them. You may need help to learn this. But even if your mind denies it, your body will remember.

You can do it!


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