To Let Go or Not??

[learningtopleez]

First I would like to thank you TG for suggesting this idea! A few people here know my story, some know just bits and pieces. So..to get the answers that I need I will tell all now Did I say all??? Okay all joking aside...I met my Dom almost a year ago online. We met on another site that was not BDSM related. In my introduction , however, I had written some things that made him realize that I might be submissive, although I had no clue that I had submissive tendencies. We e-mailed on the site at first, then moved up to messenger and mostly did a lot of flirting. (Btw, I was married then and still am, and he was aware of this! I do plan on leaving my husband, but not for him. I will leave him because I no longer love him as a wife should love a husband IMHO) One night on messenger he asked if I wanted to be his "little love slave"! I immediately answered yes without knowing the first thing about being a slave or sub. (Yea I know, stupidity and naivety will get you screwed in more ways than one!!) He asked me if I had ever had a Dom before, and I was honest. He told me he would teach me all I needed to know. The problem was he never taught me much of anything. I never got a checklist, although he did ask about certain things I would or would not do. One of my hang-ups was anal, as I hadn't done it often and only enjoyed it once or twice. More on that later. Eventually we moved up to phone conversations, and may I just add that this man has a voice that will make you sooooo hot! And I was hot each and every time we spoke. Finally I was instructed to send him fantasies by e-mail every week. They had to be my fantasies and not what I thought he would want to hear. I did okay at first, according to him. Then I was asked to visit him! OMG, I have never been so nervous before in my life! I had someone to call me after I got there to make sure I was okay and all, but it was still stupid of me. Yet he was so kind, so sweet, yet stern when teaching me how to respond or something. And he had the most gorgeous blue eyes I have ever seen, and such a sexy smile. Our first scene or session or playtime...whatever it's called was him forcing me to have multiple orgasms! I truly thought I had died and gone to heaven! The sex was great too! It was quite an experience! He wanted me to come back soon and I wanted to. But there were times he would have to cancel due to work or I would cancel due to a kid's dentist appointment or something. I have always found it very difficult to think when I'm around him or even talk to him. I forget appointments, work, home, everything! He has such power over me it seems and it is quite scary at times. Well eventually as months passed he started to critisize my fantasies, saying he wouldn't do that or be into it. This hurt as they were supposed to be my fantasies. So I soon quit writing them saying I didn't have the time. Maybe that's when it all started to go downhill. If I didn't have time to do something he wanted then why should he make time for me? Oh and I did tell him how he had hurt me by saying those things, but he said he was just commenting on them. So, now we rarely talk on the phone or messenger. An occasional e-mail I might get if he is sick or if work is canceling plans we have made. I send him an occasional IM on messenger and that's it....until right before Christmas. I had decided that this was not going anywhere and that I possibly felt more for him than I wanted to. I also felt those feelings would never be returned. So I wrote a "Dear Dom" letter. I also told him I had talked with people here who felt that it was probably hard for me to let go being he is my first r/l Dom. Huge mistake! He immediately sent me a text message saying we needed to talk, but when I tried to call.... no answer. So I did nothing and eventually about three weeks ago he let me know how angry he was for coming to this site. He feels that people come here to meet others to play with only. I explained that I come here to learn mostly, but have made some good friends! And I have! He said I shouldn't tell people his business or mine. It should only be between he and I. I had not heard from him for two weeks until today...well yesterday now! After posting a response to TG's "Who Really Has the Power in A D/s Relationship", I got ready for work and after leaving home, cut on my cell phone. Lo and behold I had a text message AND a voice from him! He wanted me to call him when I got his message. And yes, I did dammit! He wants to see me this week, and I told him I would go. He has always said if he doesn't want to see me anymore he would tell me. Maybe that is what he plans to do or maybe he just wants to go on like nothing is different. So gang....what the hell do you think??? Do I keep hanging on to this and take what he chooses to give me? Or do I somehow grow very strong and let go? I simply don't know the answer anymore. I know how I feel when I am with him and it is very good! I also know how I feel when I go for so long and hear nothing...it hurts! So to get the good I must endure the hurt??? Doesn't sound right to me or healthy, but what the heck do I know??

All comments and suggestions are eagerly encouraged and welcome! Please :help:
Ltp

I know this is confusing and long...but that would be my life!! Also as to the more on anal...we tried, he's huge and it hurt like hell and he did stop when I asked. Oh yea...nothing about a safe word has ever come up in this "relationship". He told me in the beginning that he had only been with two other subs before. So maybe he needs to come here and learn??? Jost wondering.....

Prolly to be continued more later....lol!