Responsibilities of an OL submissive?

[sub_sequent]

In response to a thread in the Dominants Dungeon some statements were made about the responsibilities an OL/LD submissive has with regards to the Dominant.

This may be only in a scene or in an actual relationship.

Any thoughts on this?

vicki

[panthera]

My first thought would be honesty, and after reading the post you mentioned above I see that reflected there as well. I'm fairly new to this, but in my short time I have learned that it is important for an OL/LD sub to be open and honest about themselves and to communicate. We only hurt ourselves and potentially any Dom/me that we are involved with by being otherwise.

I think new subs need to also realize that an OL/LD relationship can be very real with emotional attachments and should not be taken lightly.

If it's just an OL scene, then the level of experience should be shared and there should be a safeword or an understood method of stopping the scene should it cross the mental boundaries. I've had experiences both ways, and when jumping into a scene, especially with a newer Dom, it can get very uncomfortable and potentially scare the sub away from the lifestyle. But when done right, especially if a scene needs to be stopped and the Dom/me acts quickly when the stop cue is used, it can be beneficial and a growth experience.

A sub should not come in with no knowledge, they need to take responsibility for their own preliminary education. And not jump on the first Dom/me that comes their way, then try to be the typs of sub they are looking for. Again, it comes back to honesty. Be honest about the type of sub you are, and you will eventually find the right type of Dom/me.

Just a newbie's two cents worth.

[sub_sequent]

I agree with honesty.

About all the things you mentioned. But also of your expectations after a scene ie is this the start of a relationship or was it a much less formal/permanent arrangement.

If a can also just mention something that bothers me...

On another site i got a message from another (male) sub. Telling me he has no limits. He offers himself to be used by me as i see fit. Preferably in RL. But OL will also work.

(Firstly, anyone who knows me, knows i'm no Domme or even a Top. I love being a subbie lol). But saying you have no limits and anything goes ... thats just plain stupid and irresponsible!

So, i messaged back asking him if he would get the carving knife and remove his balls. I ended the PM with a little message explaining to him how he is endagering himself.
Being a good sub isn't about having as few limits as possible. It's about the power exchange between individuals. Safely, sanely and consentually. A good Dom/me will want to protect the sub. But not all are good Dominants.

IMHO, a sub has a responsibility to 'promote' themselves safely. Even if they only play OL as OL has been known, for some, to move into RL.

This includes keeping their personal information safe.

[Sir Scot]

Lol.............Love that knife suggestion and yes, iot is very irresposible to say one has no limits. thats why IO insist on communicating with a sub firsty , getting to know her likes/dislikes so we both have a clear understanding ot what we both want

[denuseri]

In my book this whole question of responsibility in an online enviroment as opposed to a real life one may be better served by clairifaction that the two should remain distictly seperate from the other for obvious reasons. One can never truely know the person on the other side of that screen. They can only think they do. Real trust, takes real time, in real life to earn with real deeds etc. Actual submission in real life in no way shape or form comparable with pretending submission via typing on a keyboard. It is as different as mountian climbing is to climbing the rock wall in the gym...in fact its not even that close really if all one is doing is typing...regardless of how "submissive' typing can make one feel about it.

I would further seperate online only from "long distance" since the latter suggests that the two people involved have at least met each other face to face at least once. (mabey thats the rock wall)

As to what someone (regardless of claims to titular distinction such as dom/submissive etc) in an online medium is responsible for:

On this site its rather simple and found with the following links both of which are self explandatory:

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/sh...ums-Guidelines

and:

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/sh...elines-amp-FAQ

In so far as in real life?

Where one may quite litterally find their lives in someone else's hands?

Well there is no disconnect button there the web cam cant be shut off at a whim and one can safe word all day long until they are blue in the face and it wont mean a thing unless there is first "respect" between the involved parties.


Its the core tenant of the older more tradtional ways that so very few seem to be able to find instruction in anymore.

If you have respect you get all the rest (honesty, honnor, responsibility etc) in it's wake.

[sub_sequent]

denuseri, i must start by saying that i respect you a lot. In fact, i always read a thread if you had responded in.
But i must respectfully disagree (to a degree) with you.

You said:
Actual submission in real life in no way shape or form comparable with pretending submission via typing on a keyboard. It is as different as mountian climbing is to climbing the rock wall in the gym"

I agree with this totally. They are totally different. But one is not less valid than the other. Just because it is not your choice for your life. For many it is.

Not everyone can get to the mountains to climb... But the wall at the gym is still a thrill and good excercise.
But both have rules and safety measures.

Maybe the most important: the emotions experienced in OL relationships are not less real.
It may be different... But surely no-one can say the other's feelings are less true or valid.
And that may be point worth underlining: Emotions are awakened in an OL relationship. Research i read recently suggested that 2 out of 8 marriages in 2008 started OL.

( I do admit to being rather inept with roleplaying. And i see OL play more as tasking than RP. Maybe someone with experience in this can give an opinion on the emotions awakened in RP)

You also said:
"If you have respect you get all the rest (honesty, honnor, responsibility etc) in it's wake."

While, again, i want to agree wholeheartedly with the sentiment, many broken hearted people will testify that respect, while given, might not always be recipocated.

But, agreed. An OL submissive needs to be respectful.

[denuseri]

denuseri, i must start by saying that i respect you a lot. In fact, i always read a thread if you had responded in.
But i must respectfully disagree (to a degree) with you.

Hey everyone is entitled to their own opinions. lol

You said:
Actual submission in real life in no way shape or form comparable with pretending submission via typing on a keyboard. It is as different as mountian climbing is to climbing the rock wall in the gym"

I agree with this totally. They are totally different. But one is not less valid than the other. Just because it is not your choice for your life. For many it is.

I said nothing about validity. I just mentioned that it is a mistake to attempt to equate the one with the other. And I have done all three categories of bdsm in the past fyi... online, real life, and long distance.

Not everyone can get to the mountains to climb... But the wall at the gym is still a thrill and good excercise.
But both have rules and safety measures.

Heck some people cant even get to the gym...ergo its good that they can atleast do what a computer allows them.

And writing about mountain climbing or only climbing on the rock wall at the gym doesn't make one an actual mountain climber either does it?

And if one really respects the art of bdsm and thier partners and one's self...they wont pretend it does either.

As for rules...for online...I respect the sites rules in that regard. Its their dominion here. Those and a few safety measures that my owner insists upon are the only rules that need apply here where as I am concerned. I can know I am following them when I am in chat or the forums or interacting with another person online....but I can never really know that the person on the other side of the screen is. I cant possibly know them as I know myself or someone I am submitting too in a face to face real life situation. I learned that lesson the hard way. I chatted, web cam'd and spoke by phone with what I took to be a loving D/s couple for three whole months one time before going to be with them in real life only to find nothing was as it appeared. I was also shocked to find our web cam sessions plastered all over a pay site or two ...and I was allready experienced in these matters...no novice to the lifestyle. If I can be fooled so can anyone. If things had only stayed online, the worst of it would have been the pictures and cam sessions and having to get a new phone mabey moving etc. Real life has real risk too, I was damed lucky to survive my encounter.

Maybe the most important: the emotions experienced in OL relationships are not less real.

Not less real?

I will give you that they are both emotional experiences.

That however is most likely where the similarities truly end however.

They simply do not equate to me any more than rock climbing in the gym would with actual mountain climbing. In both intensity and clarity actually being at someone else s mercy and being dominated in person is far far far beyond measure so much "more" than the other experience. There is no comparison.

It may be different... But surely no-one can say the other's feelings are less true or valid.

Vastly different. Again validity isnt in question. But it is very very different... like the difference between knowing there is a very dangerous path one could follow, and maybe in the safety of their home plays at over a screen and gets all sorts of excited about and "feels" really submissive because of it etc...and actually walking on it for real, no disconnect button no ressurection spells, no way out if things really go wrong, no safety line to help one down etc...and knowing what that difference really is, fearing it, overcoming said fear and surrendering to it. IE: actually "submitting".

And that may be point worth underlining: Emotions are awakened in an OL relationship.

Nothing nearing the intensity that can be reached when mind and body are both involved directly.

Research i read recently suggested that 2 out of 8 marriages in 2008 started OL.

Which means what? People are more comfortable chatting online because there is close to zero risk both physically and emotionally? That 6 out of 8 preferred to meet in real life instead?? Whats the success rate of these marriages? How many attempts to connect with someone were made online and failed before they jumped into marriage?

I think marriage however and its success rates would be spurious to this particular topic without a lot more data and correlations being made.

( I do admit to being rather inept with roleplaying. And i see OL play more as tasking than RP. Maybe someone with experience in this can give an opinion on the emotions awakened in RP)

I just did, lol.

I am not saying one cant get sub-crush or feel really emotional and attached from online. I am however saying it doesn't equate to in person though.

You also said:
"If you have respect you get all the rest (honesty, honnor, responsibility etc) in it's wake."

While, again, i want to agree wholeheartedly with the sentiment, many broken hearted people will testify that respect, while given, might not always be recipocated.

That's why you need it first.

But, agreed. An OL submissive needs to be respectful.

Everyone does imho. The only reason I brought up "respect" is because its the core principle behind some of the older more traditional forms of bdsm...without it...you get none of the rest.

[subsacha]

i usually say i dont know my limits yet, but i have to say..i have never done online..my Master has always been with me in the real world, i am not sending porn pics or videos to a faceless man across the world....i only do that for my Master i have already submitted to ...and could i submit fully...physically and emotionally online? no...i doubt it...that said, i respect those online works for....but i am not on the PC enough to sustain an online relationship...and i am too physical.

[sassy chikk]

It makes me rather angry when someone dismisses relationships and feelings and experiences because they are "only" online or long distance. To continue the mountain climber/rock wall analogy, if the rock wall is challenging and satisfying to the person climbing it, and especially if it's all they have available, let them climb. Stop comparing and judging and looking down on people. Unless you're the best mountain climber in the world, there are people out there who can look down on you, too, if they so choose. If you're a part of an ONLINE community, guess what? You're in an online relationship, too.

One of the things that is so awesome about this particular site is that treating people with respect is a rule. So we all need to follow the rule. Respect others and -whatever- relationship they are in. You don't have to like it, agree with it, or choose it for yourself, but you do have to show respect.

Having expressed my opinion there, i believe the original post was asking what an online/long-distance submissive is responsible for in a scene or relationship with a Dominant. (OP, please correct me if i am mistaken that you are not asking in comparison to a real-life interaction, but are solely viewing the online aspect.)

My personal belief is that an OL/LD submissive first has the responsibility of his/her own safety. This may include any or all of the following: protection of (i'm going to use 'her' as the pronoun here) her personal identity; an understanding her of own limits and how to communicate them effectively; to make sure that a safeword is established prior to engaging in any play; understanding and communication of any physical or emotional issues that may be affected by play. Honest communication is absolutely key: a Dom/me who is not physically present has no nonverbal cues to depend on and cannot possibly be expected to read minds.

If there will be physical participation of any kind, a submissive has the responsibility to ensure her physical safety as well; basic knowledge of ropes, for example, as well as safety scissors to cut with in the case of an emergency.

i'm sure there are other things, but these are what most immediately came to mind.

[sub_sequent]

sassy chick
I could hug you! I feel exactly as you do but couldn't find a way of expressiing it so well without losing the intergrity of the post...

And yes, that is what i was asking... What responsibility do i have, as a sub, when engaging in an OL scene or relationship.

*hugs*
v

[sassy chikk]

sassy chick
I could hug you! I feel exactly as you do but couldn't find a way of expressiing it so well without losing the intergrity of the post...

And yes, that is what i was asking... What responsibility do i have, as a sub, when engaging in an OL scene or relationship.

*hugs*
v

***hugs***