i humbly ask for advice from Someone...

[Sanapet]

I think that first I need to explain my situation. My Master and I have been together for 2 and a half years and W/we've had one 'break-up' at the beginning of O/our relationship because His long-time on again off again girlfriend wanted Him back but He wouldn't give up being my Master for her so He stopped dating me. I tried and failed to cause as few problems as possible and final she dumped Him and W/we've been happy together ever since as both a dating couple and a Master and slave.

Recently, W/we've stated to be much more open and comfortable with each other and He's asked me to... to top Him a few times. It was fine when He asked online and I could give Him what He wanted without having to be emotionally involved but since He lost His internet connection W/we've been talking on the phone, yes that includes phone sex.

I've always been very shy and self-conscious and He was the first person I've ever had phone sex with, but that's not my problem. While I'm being submissive I have very few inhibitions with Him. The problem is that He's asked me several times to play domme for Him over the phone. The first time I was frustrated and furious with life in general and I ended up taking that out on Him accidentally, but He enjoyed it.

My problem is when I try to top Him without being angry at something first, W/we have to go through so much drama to get me in the mindset I need for topping Him that it's not very much fun for either of U/us. And when W/we're finished he has to be very firm with me to remind me of my place and it sort of kills the mood.

If possible I would greatly appreciate any advice on how to switch back and forth when He needs me to.

Thank Y/you A/all, submissively,

Sana

[Ozme52]

Are you just looking for a switch's perspective or would you like some hints from the dominant perspective?

Either way, a little about what kind of interaction he wants would help. Chastisement? Humiliaton? Ordered to perform for you sexually?

What about you? Do you have any kinds of fantasy that involves having servants, employees, students, or any kind of supervisorial position? Ever want to be a ruler? Have a genie or a super power?

I'm sure we can paint a role play for you that you can get into without having to be angry with him first.

[thir]

I think that first I need to explain my situation. My Master and I have been together for 2 and a half years and W/we've had one 'break-up' at the beginning of O/our relationship because His long-time on again off again girlfriend wanted Him back but He wouldn't give up being my Master for her so He stopped dating me. I tried and failed to cause as few problems as possible and final she dumped Him and W/we've been happy together ever since as both a dating couple and a Master and slave.

Recently, W/we've stated to be much more open and comfortable with each other and He's asked me to... to top Him a few times. It was fine when He asked online and I could give Him what He wanted without having to be emotionally involved but since He lost His internet connection W/we've been talking on the phone, yes that includes phone sex.

I've always been very shy and self-conscious and He was the first person I've ever had phone sex with, but that's not my problem. While I'm being submissive I have very few inhibitions with Him. The problem is that He's asked me several times to play domme for Him over the phone. The first time I was frustrated and furious with life in general and I ended up taking that out on Him accidentally, but He enjoyed it.

My problem is when I try to top Him without being angry at something first, W/we have to go through so much drama to get me in the mindset I need for topping Him that it's not very much fun for either of U/us. And when W/we're finished he has to be very firm with me to remind me of my place and it sort of kills the mood.

If possible I would greatly appreciate any advice on how to switch back and forth when He needs me to.

Thank Y/you A/all, submissively,

Sana

First, not everybody can switch back and forth at the whim of just one of the partners. Not even switches.

I would think that you need to ask yourself if this is something you can and want to do. Remember that we can only give what we have in us to give.

Admittedly it is not always easy to find out, as to many people starting to dom means getting over a hurdle. But still, if you feel you cannot, or cannot neccesarily when he happens to wants to, or only can online, then I think you need to tell him.

How did it feel to do it online? Was that ok?
I'd say doing on the phone is a hard way to start.

If you want to do this, then I agree that you need to sit and talk about it, and let him explain in much greater detail what he is into - what he wants. Then you can see if you think it is something you can and want to do.

Do by all means present his answers here, I am sure we can give you some inspiration :-)

Finally, are you doing this because you are afraid of loosing him again? A powerful motive - but it doesn't work that way. If you want to, fine. If not, you cannot give it, but he will likely be ok with having you as sub.

[Sanapet]

Are you just looking for a switch's perspective or would you like some hints from the dominant perspective?

Either way, a little about what kind of interaction he wants would help. Chastisement? Humiliaton? Ordered to perform for you sexually?

What about you? Do you have any kinds of fantasy that involves having servants, employees, students, or any kind of supervisorial position? Ever want to be a ruler? Have a genie or a super power?

I'm sure we can paint a role play for you that you can get into without having to be angry with him first.

Any perspective would be helpful I'm sure, and when I asked him what he wanted he just told me to do what I like when he was dominating me. That would include humiliation, (play) abuse mental and physical, breath play, forced obedience, objectification... and... well, I like ass play, but I'm very nervous about going there on him and he said if I was really not okay with doing something to him then I didn't have to do it, right now he insist on name-calling and being forced to perform sexually.

-blushes and looks down- Roleplay is what we have to resort to usually, I find it hard to get mad at him as well. We've done various scene, but my favorite so far has been... -blushes- him as a nude model and me as a very... aggressive photographer and unannounced model just starting my career. It's.. it's the one we're currently involved in.

I don't exactly think about fantasies with myself as the dominant but very.... I'm not sure what the words is... classy I guess, dommes with guys, arouse me. I don't like the thought of really.. intense females doming unwilling males, I like the... gentler dommes I guess, not meaning I don't like when thier strict with their boys.. I just.. I don't know if I'm making any sense, I'm sorry.

First, not everybody can switch back and forth at the whim of just one of the partners. Not even switches.

I would think that you need to ask yourself if this is something you can and want to do. Remember that we can only give what we have in us to give.

Admittedly it is not always easy to find out, as to many people starting to dom means getting over a hurdle. But still, if you feel you cannot, or cannot neccesarily when he happens to wants to, or only can online, then I think you need to tell him.

How did it feel to do it online? Was that ok?
I'd say doing on the phone is a hard way to start.

If you want to do this, then I agree that you need to sit and talk about it, and let him explain in much greater detail what he is into - what he wants. Then you can see if you think it is something you can and want to do.

Do by all means present his answers here, I am sure we can give you some inspiration :-)

Finally, are you doing this because you are afraid of loosing him again? A powerful motive - but it doesn't work that way. If you want to, fine. If not, you cannot give it, but he will likely be ok with having you as sub.

I.. I don't know if I can, but I do want to.. I'm okay with the idea and I want to please him, I've been able to do alot of stuff I thought I'd never do for him and wound up enjoying it.

I agree, getting over the hurdle is the hard part, I'm always so... well, submissive around him except when I do manage to get in the mood and top him and do a.. well, I like to think a decent job and then he doesn't remind me of my place right after in some little way, calling me one of the many names or, doing some other little thing then I'm messed up for days, and I need a really good slap in the face (metaphorically) to get back to being comfortable in my own skin.

As for what he wants... we haven't exactly sat down and discussed it, but at the beginning when I'm having a hard time I'll ask him to give me some things to get me started. One of the first things he always says is 'call me names', I'm.. okay with that part, I can work my way up to the bigger stuff sometimes by just starting out calling him things like... -gulps and blushes staring at the floor- like 'my dirty little whore' and 'cunt hungry slut' among other things. But other then that he just tells me to do what I like when he's topping me.

I.. I don't know.. I think I may have originally agreed to try because I was afraid of loosing him but I'm not doing now because of that, I just really want to do this for him. And... even though I'm ashamed to admit it, sometimes it.. sometimes I really like it. once I get in the mood i actually enjoy it, I just have a really hard time making the switch

Not everyone is a switch and most switches can't turn from Dom to sub like one flicks a light switch. Changing mindsets can be very difficult and having to be provoked into Dominating is not a good thing. A good Dominant doesn't scene when they are impaired by strong emotions or drugs or alcohol. It is too easy to go too far.

Try and plan on times when you will be the Dominant partner--scheduling might give you a chance to come to the right mindset without getting angry first. Also, negotiate a scene (what does he want to experience--humiliation, cock torture, denial, etc) and write up a script beforehand. That might make it less real to you but it might be easier than trying to do something that is not organic to you.

Good luck to you both.

I know that I can't go back an forth at will, I just want to understand a little better how to make the change at all. Just role playing makes it easier most times, having a setting that I'm in and knowing that I need to go in the dominate direction. The only time that I ask him to provoke me is when he wants to do a scene raw, as he calls it, just me and him, no roleplay, no characters, nothing but my emotions and his. But even when angry I'm very non-confrontational, I try to avoid making rash decisions when I'm mad and think. I do this when he pushes me into topping him too, not intentionally, it's just how I deal with anger.

I will definitely bring up planning the basics of a scene before hand, knowing what he wants me to do to him would help a lot, I don't know if I could do a script though, I would have to be very into the scene because I can't act at all, I can improve and empathize with how a scene would feel but I can't act.. I know strange. But I might still try it, it could be very helpful.

I hope that explains things a little better and I will ask him to explain things more fully, thank you all for your help so far, you've given me some wonderful advice.

[thir]

I agree, getting over the hurdle is the hard part, I'm always so... well, submissive around him except when I do manage to get in the mood and top him and do a.. well, I like to think a decent job and then he doesn't remind me of my place right after in some little way, calling me one of the many names or, doing some other little thing then I'm messed up for days, and I need a really good slap in the face (metaphorically) to get back to being comfortable in my own skin.

It seems to me that other than asking you what he wants, you should talk about how to make the transition back to your being a sub. How and when.

Shifting with the same partner is by some considered the hardest, and it would probably be good to have a procedure/ritual for that shift.

once I get in the mood i actually enjoy it, I just have a really hard time making the switch

Can you two think up a small ritual for you to go into top mode, and out of it?

He kneels, and give you a whip, or another thing that means something for you both. And when you go back, you do it?

Changing names? Give him a slave name?
His wearing a mask?
Your wearing a special costume, which is only for your top role?

Suggestions, you other people??

The only time that I ask him to provoke me is when he wants to do a scene raw, as he calls it, just me and him, no roleplay, no characters, nothing but my emotions and his. But even when angry I'm very non-confrontational, I try to avoid making rash decisions when I'm mad and think. I do this when he pushes me into topping him too, not intentionally, it's just how I deal with anger.

You might consider whether this doing it raw is right for you, or right for you at this time. Playing with real emotions is advanced and should be only for very experienced people who really and truly know just exactly what they are doing, how, and why!

If you are not comfortable with this, say no. This is also a sub duty, to inform the Dom of your limits.

I will definitely bring up planning the basics of a scene before hand, knowing what he wants me to do to him would help a lot, I don't know if I could do a script though, I would have to be very into the scene because I can't act at all, I can improve and empathize with how a scene would feel but I can't act.. I know strange. But I might still try it, it could be very helpful.

<nods> a basic scene would give you something to hold on to, while you learn.
Bur why act? And how?? All Dommes do things differently!
Just be yourself, and find your own style.
[/QUOTE]

[Sanapet]

Hmmm.. I had actually never thought of a ritual for switching in and out of the role. I think we would both have to put some very deep thought into it, but then , anything that's worth doing is worth doing right.

I know it's not good to play with emotions like that but it was honestly the only way I managed to get into the mood in the beginning, I mean I even had a hard time in rp to begin with.

I'll ask him if there's anything he would like to do when we switch, as a preference over everything else that is. -grins- heck, we might be able to incorporate it into some of our more far-fetched rps.

Thanks again for the help, and I'm really grateful for all the ideas everyone's giving me to get over this problem. I appreciate any help I can get, I'm almost at my wits end.

[Euryleia]

Not everyone is a switch and most switches can't turn from Dom to sub like one flicks a light switch. Changing mindsets can be very difficult and having to be provoked into Dominating is not a good thing. A good Dominant doesn't scene when they are impaired by strong emotions or drugs or alcohol. It is too easy to go too far.

Try and plan on times when you will be the Dominant partner--scheduling might give you a chance to come to the right mindset without getting angry first. Also, negotiate a scene (what does he want to experience--humiliation, cock torture, denial, etc) and write up a script beforehand. That might make it less real to you but it might be easier than trying to do something that is not organic to you.

Good luck to you both.

[lady kisa]

Sanapet..have you considered maybe a captured dom scenerio? where he is tied up and teased by you and used..but he remains dom all thru the scene?

[fetishdj]

It sounds to me that you may be having problems with the personality to be a Domme - you say you need to get angry to do anything to him and that means you sometimes overstep the bounds. Maybe you need to consider a different style of Domme. You say you like the idea of gentler Dommes and that is obviously a way you need to take this. You need to create a personality, play a role with him as if you were an actor. You are no longer his sub (which may also be a barrier to you domming him) when in this role but a Domme. I also like the idea of a ritual to indicate the switch but you can also consider props or costume to assist it. Something as simple as 'when I am wearing the black leather gloves I am a Domme'. Try and think about how this character thinks, acts, speaks, walks, everything. There are Dommes (some professional and some lifestyle) of my acquaintance who do this very thing. If you talk to them in normal conversation - either on e-mail, phone or in person - you can have a perfectly normal, everyday chat to them, just two friends rather than Domme and sub. They are still usually Dominant personalities but not to a significant extent. However, when they are 'in session' they turn on the 'Domme personality' and become more or less a different person.

It maybe worth speaking to a reputable pro Domme for advice on how she does it?

I would also like to add - communicate, communicate, communicate... you talk on e-mail/phone etc and that is good but take it a step further. Order him on your next phone call to send you a description of his greatest Domme fantasy (obviously with no internet connection he will have to send this through the post) and maybe tell him to complete a BDSM checklist. Both will give you a pretty good idea of what he wants and allow you to feel a lot more confident about it all.

[Misschief]

I would also like to add - communicate, communicate, communicate... you talk on e-mail/phone etc and that is good but take it a step further. ...

Journaling is an essential requirement in all BDSM relationships involving power exchange, role playing, humiliation, etc.. In order to sustain an equally gratifying relationship in the beginning stages, it is essential for the submissive to have an internal discourse on the collective experience and, eventually (preferably as soon as possible) verbalize the positive, exceptionally arousing, confounding, and/or dissatisfying elements of the scene..

I find that writing these internal discourses by hand adds to the intimacy of the act of sharing these thoughts with that O/one who knows you like no other..

[Zarine13]

What do you do when you ask him for things like that but the answer you get is "It doesn't matter what you do, as long it's done by you"

[FaerieLytes]

o.o i just always considered that when i as a submissive was to top a male that i was doing it to please him, and... the Domme in me charged forward to meet the occasion XD