Help a Noob

[Apollo2211]

I discovered that the girl I've been seeing is compleatly into.... BDSM?? Or Humiliation maybe.? I'm not sure the proper name, but a couple examples - spanking, deep throat, edging, being controlled, being ordered to do/ or not do stuff. I'm currently working out of town, and it could take a few months to get back home to her. She often tries to get me to say stuff over the phone or text. Thing is, I have never done anything like this before and I'm scared to say something dumb. Or what if I say something too extreme? I asked multiple times if there is stuff I shouldn't say, but she will not give me any answers. Please tell me what I can do here? I think it's crazy awesome that she's into this, and I could probably really get into it. I just don't know about over the phone. Thanks.

[Apollo2211]

Anyone???

[TheDeSade]

Sounds like you need to do some quick study. There is a wealth of information about BDSM, Dominance and the makings of a good Dom here. She sounds, on the surface as if she already has some experience or has been doing some research herself. My advice is find time to talk openly and frankly to her about what she is feeling, what she finds about BDSM that interests her and, if she will talk about it, what experience she has had.

Some of the kinds of play you have described are easily learned. Some of them require some care and some understanding before I would suggest you attempt them. Go slowly. IF she is inexperienced as well, you can start a most amazing journey of discovery together if you will be patient.

If there is a local group that you could join, the advice and help from others can be of tremendous advantage. Many of us here were schooled in BDSM in groups such as these. Some of us in a more traditional way, others in a less formal means. Finding like minded people who you can talk to, watch, ask questions of, and feel comfortable with will make a tremendous difference in your experience.

I also advise you to be careful of what you find on the internet. While there are some good sites and some good people, it is wise to be wary of a lot of the so called "BDSM" websites that offer teaching, or learning or other so called instructional formats. Many of them are scams. There are many good people in this forum. It is one of the best venues I have found for getting started in BDSM in a safe and sane way.

My last piece of advice is "Be patient" Do not rush into anything. Communicate with your partner. BDSM is predicated on trust. Trust takes time to build and develop. This can be a wonderful and exciting part of being a couple. Enjoy it together.

I am sure there are others who can offer you better advice than I. They will be in contact with you.

If there are any other questions you have or if you just need to talk, please don't hesitate to contact me.

[TheDeSade]

Sounds like you need to do some quick study. There is a wealth of information about BDSM, Dominance and the makings of a good Dom here. She sounds, on the surface as if she already has some experience or has been doing some research herself. My advice is find time to talk openly and frankly to her about what she is feeling, what she finds about BDSM that interests her and, if she will talk about it, what experience she has had.

Some of the kinds of play you have described are easily learned. Some of them require some care and some understanding before I would suggest you attempt them. Go slowly. IF she is inexperienced as well, you can start a most amazing journey of discovery together if you will be patient.

If there is a local group that you could join, the advice and help from others can be of tremendous advantage. Many of us here were schooled in BDSM in groups such as these. Some of us in a more traditional way, others in a less formal means. Finding like minded people who you can talk to, watch, ask questions of, and feel comfortable with will make a tremendous difference in your experience.

I also advise you to be careful of what you find on the internet. While there are some good sites and some good people, it is wise to be wary of a lot of the so called "BDSM" websites that offer teaching, or learning or other so called instructional formats. Many of them are scams. There are many good people in this forum. It is one of the best venues I have found for getting started in BDSM in a safe and sane way.

My last piece of advice is "Be patient" Do not rush into anything. Communicate with your partner. BDSM is predicated on trust. Trust takes time to build and develop. This can be a wonderful and exciting part of being a couple. Enjoy it together.

I am sure there are others who can offer you better advice than I. They will be in contact with you.

If there are any other questions you have or if you just need to talk, please don't hesitate to contact me.

[TheDeSade]

sorry about the double post. Not sure what happened.

[thir]

"I discovered that the girl I've been seeing is compleatly into.... BDSM?? Or Humiliation maybe.? I'm not sure the proper name, but a couple examples - spanking, deep throat, edging, being controlled, being ordered to do/ or not do stuff. I'm currently working out of town, and it could take a few months to get back home to her. She often tries to get me to say stuff over the phone or text. Thing is, I have never done anything like this before and I'm scared to say something dumb. Or what if I say something too extreme? I asked multiple times if there is stuff I shouldn't say, but she will not give me any answers. Please tell me what I can do here? I think it's crazy awesome that she's into this, and I could probably really get into it. I just don't know about over the phone. Thanks. "


First, I would not play with someone who will not communicate. Communication is always necessary when playing with the kind of stuff you mention. Her insistence that you 'work blind' as it were is not reasonable, you cannot read her mind.

Secondly, learning this over phone and texts is not a good way to do it, too much risk of getting it wrong.

Third: Do you know if she is a new comer or experienced?


And finally, I would read up on this stuff, browse this site for instance but with a critical mind. And I would think it over for myself: what exactly do you yourself want? And then I would learn in face to face encounters.

Set your own pace. Don't let her push you.

[Iceweasel]

Hello,

I am in a similar situation where my wife will not communicate her desires and wants me to surprise her with what I come up with. It is a difficult position to be in for sure. I'll let you know how I have gone about it, though I should preface this post with the fact that both my wife and I are new to BDSM, and I am by no means an expert.

I was given some advice to try new things and gauge her reaction. My experience with this was not very good. Even though I was married and know my wife very well, we were both new to this and a few things I tried definitely missed the mark. At the end of the day I didn't really enjoy the scene and my wife had mixed feelings about it. Shortly after, I spoke with her about how uncomfortable I was and if there was any way we could talk about it more. She did eventually explain her general interests and desires and it has (so far) helped quite a bit. Even though we don't have a defined set of limits, I at least know her general attitude and that helps guide the direction of a scene to something we are both comfortable with.

I will say that communication is the best way to get the most out of BDSM, and if at all possible, get your girl to talk with you about it. If you don't communicate, you WILL cross the line eventually. Believe me, it's not fun for anyone involved.

[thir]

Exactly so.

I have found a number of 'do me' male subs out there, unwilling to say what they want, but wanting it right! Women are often more aware that communication is a must and they have to do their part, but not all. I think people feel that if they have to say too much, the magic is lost and they are really directing the scenes. But there is a difference between a big general talk about needs and wants, and directing an individual scene. And this topic is so vast, interests so highly individual, and the risk of getting it wrong so big that no one should put up with the 'do me' attitude.

After all, if people want to be dominated, they must accept that the dominant does take charge and sets some rules. Otherwise it is just exploitation.

[Flaming_Redhead]

I discovered that the girl I've been seeing is compleatly into.... BDSM?? Or Humiliation maybe.? I'm not sure the proper name, but a couple examples - spanking, deep throat, edging, being controlled, being ordered to do/ or not do stuff. I'm currently working out of town, and it could take a few months to get back home to her. She often tries to get me to say stuff over the phone or text. Thing is, I have never done anything like this before and I'm scared to say something dumb. Or what if I say something too extreme? I asked multiple times if there is stuff I shouldn't say, but she will not give me any answers. Please tell me what I can do here? I think it's crazy awesome that she's into this, and I could probably really get into it. I just don't know about over the phone. Thanks.

You have a couple of choices. You can refuse to participate until she answers your question, or you can begin with the things she has already mentioned. Dirty talk can feel awkward and silly at first. It might be easier to start with texting. Ask her invasive questions such as what color panties she's wearing or whether she's been touching herself. If she isn't wearing any, call her a "bad girl" and tell her you're going to spank her when you get home. If she's been good (not touching herself), then tell her to do it, but don't let her have an orgasm unless she asks permission. Tell her she's making your cock hard, and you'd like to....whatever. You don't have to be crazy or write a novel.