Looking for advice

[Iceweasel]

My wife and I started into BDSM about a month ago and have had a few scenes since. We are both switches and it will be my turn next to be dominant. I know my wife would like some kind of take down play or coercion but I am very unsure of how to proceed? The last time I tried she ended up just submitting and though it was fun I don't think it was exactly what she wanted. Any advice on how to let her know i'm okay with her struggling and how to start the scene? I should note I have a few lengths of rope and leather cuffs, i'm a novice at rope tying.

[Inspire]

How about being upfront and talking with her about it openly? Asking her what it is she expects and telling her about you being unsure. It might not sound as sexy, but open communication is a sure way to a great experience. For both of you.

[Denzark]

Personally I prefer to go the other way, not discuss the play at all in advance. I like the element of surprise. That said I am assuming you know all of her sexual likes - dislikes or at least most.

If it were me I would start the session by grabbing her hair or throat and pulling her to me so my face was in hers. I would tell her she needs to be taught how to suck cock and what happens if she doesn't give a good blowjob.

I'd slap her face and tell her she is going to do as she's told, then slam her body and face against the wall. Then put the collar cuffs on her. Come to think of it, the only thing I'd preplan is get her to wear old clothes. Then with her against the wall I'd whack her ass a few times (hard) to show her who is holding the crop and has the power. I'd shove my hand up her skirt and brutally grope her pussy, telling her what a slut she is because she's wet. And if she is going to be wet like a slut she's going to be treated like a slut.

I'd rip her clothes off or to shreds, (maybe need help of scissors). Leave her in tattered rags. I'd be often grabbing her hair and slapping her face. With face to wall I'd flog her, Make sure she has legs apart to flog that pussy. Then turn her around to flog her front. All the time I'd be warning her that if she doesnt suck cock good this is what she would be getting only much much harder and worse.

When she's warmed up, I'd force her to her knees, get my meat out (may be nice if she's blindfolded the whole time) and slap her face with my meat before making her lick and suck it while I give her precise instructions on what to do.

I may cum in her mouth or on her face, alternatively I may say she's done such a good job making me horny I'm going to fuck her. Then throw her on the bed, sofa or even back against the wall and give her a hard rough fuck with lots of verbal eg "that's it take it my sweet whore".

Ooooooooops did not mean to write so much. I got carried away. Anyhow you got the idea. Use some excuse to treat her rough, then just push her around and soften her up. I like the pretext of "this is whats going to happen if you dont do as told". Sometimes if giving heavy flogging caning or whatever, I like to give her the opportunity to end the beating by simply offering me something better to do eg sexual favors eg a blow job. And since I like body writing I would write suitable dgrading remarks all over her body.

This may not have helped you but it sure as shit helped me writing it down

[Misschief]

... throw her on the bed, sofa or even back against the wall and give her a hard rough fuck with lots of verbal eg "that's it take it my sweet whore".

... Use some excuse to treat her rough, then just push her around and soften her up. I like the pretext of "this is whats going to happen if you dont do as told". ... give her the opportunity to end the beating by simply offering me something better to do eg sexual favors eg a blow job. And since I like body writing I would write suitable dgrading remarks all over her body.
...

nice.. so so nice.. i like the degrading remarks, but do not just write them, verbalize them lots and lots while Youre fucking me.. make me feel ashamed for how wet i am because You are treating me like the cum slut You know i am.. oh wow.. You truly fucking get it!

my suggestion for the original poster having issues with switching with their partner is to have a journal.. i know that i always recommend this, but it is an invaluable resource especially in couples new to the the bdsm realm.. it is much easier to write things down either on paper on on a computer and share them with one another.. that way, each can get out their true feeling without the clumsiness of being shy getting in the way..

if you truly feel bdsm is not for you guys, dont force it.. but there are SO many aspects of the lifestyle oute there to explore.. what is it about bdsm that truly turns you on? i have had power exchange fantasies since the first time i made myself cum.. i had no idea what the fuck i was thinking about.. i was too shy to even picture myself in these fantasies, but i know for a fact, through and through, what i need to get enjoyment out of my sex life.. if i don't have this aspect of my life expressed with another, if i do not get to feel like what i know i am inside, even if i just think about it while sucking His beautiful cock, i think i would be utterly miserable.. it is not 'take it or leave it' for me..

[Iceweasel]

Thanks you all for the advice. My wife has told me a few times that she just wants me to surprise her, but I don't think she would like to be called a slut or slapped across the face (maybe she would, I don't know). I think if I ask her to set a bit of a frame work and that I will fill in all the details it could work. Also thanks Denzark for the ideas, may not be ready for it right now, but it sounds like that could be a lot of fun in the future. I'll make sure to keep you posted on how it went.

[Denzark]

Just to clarify. You should discuss her likes and dislikes so you are both clear. But I suggested you did not discuss in advance exactly what you would do in a play session.

Let me explain using food as analagy. You determine your wife likes chinese, italian and french food, doesn't mind italian and dislikes mexican. Then you take her out for a meal one night. You dont tell her where. It can be anything other than the mexican. And if you want to try something new like English food you start with something harmless like roast beef before you work up to soggy chips drenched in vinegar and warm beer !!

In my example you would slap her mildy on the face just once or twice then after ask how she felt. Same if you called her slut once or twice. Once or twice gently is equivalent to tip toe in the water if we are talking about an unknown. But of course ideally you discuss likes before. A good way maybe is to watch bdsm porn together and as you watch ask .. how would you feel about that or that.

[Iceweasel]

I think you hit the nail on the head Denzark. I talked with my wife and we did just that, discussed some boundaries and limits but not exactly what would happen. I like your idea of light face slapping/name calling to see how it would go over, I may try that with a bit of hair pulling if it seems to fit. The scene is tomorrow and I think I have something prepared we will both enjoy. I'll let you all know how it turns out.

[bluemedusa]

I completely disagree with the "try it and see if she likes it" idea. If it turns out to be something she doesn't like, by the time you do it, the damage is already done. Her mindset will be forced out of the scene, she'll have to question what just happened and will have a reaction, all of which is not sexy or fun.

Trust me, if it's something that you think is at all questionable, it's better to ask first. Then you'll know, and won't have the anxiety of wondering.

It will not ruin anything for you to ask, "At some point if I do this, how would you feel about it?" Encourage her to be honest. It will still be very exciting when you're in the moment.

Also, personally, when I tell my guy to "surprise me" it usually just means I want him to take charge of the situation. By putting thought into it and considering her feelings, you will be doing exactly that.

[just_ine]

I am with bluemedusa on this... talk to her. In this case it is *not* better to ask forgiveness... much better to discuss beforehand.

[Iceweasel]

Hello,

Well the scene went okay but not as well as I had hoped. Some of the things I did she seemed to like, but others were definitely a miss. The trial and error method I used didn't end up producing a very satisfying scene, and my wife pretty well refuses to talk about this subject (or sex in general) any further. My concern is that she isn't really into this at all and is just doing it to appease me. The plan was to switch this weekend and have her be dominant but I think it may be best to cancel and go back to our more vanilla sex life, as trying to sort this all out is causing me a great deal of stress and anxiety.

I do want to say thank you all very much for helping me. I think the advice that you gave me was sound, with some different and interesting approaches, but at the end of the day the relationship I have with my wife isn't ready for this kind of experience.

[just_ine]

I am truly sorry that you are disappointed, Iceweasel. Sometimes things go awry... and even if everything went well, the emotional impact might be greater than anticipated.

Might I suggest a lot of after care for both of you. Cuddling... hugging... touching. Nothing kinky... just reconnecting as a couple. The after effects of a scene that one or both partners found emotionally taxing can be damaging to the relationship but nothing says it HAS to be damaging. It is in how you care and protect her now that, I believe, true Dominance is shown. It is easy(ish)being forceful and in control. Something else being gentle and in control.

I don't think pushing her to discuss things right now is the right course of action. Cuddles...touches... assurances that she pleases you, simply by being. If you want to... mention That you want to discuss the scene and what worked and what didnt because you want to be better...do better...for you as a couple. But that there is no rush.

There are many many different ways of expressing one's need for kink. Just because mainstream, porn type scenes aren't her thing, doesn't mean it's the end of the line, it simply means it is your cue to start looking at ways that suits your specific needs as a couple.

Also... there are some really lovely couples here. Engage them in conversation. They surely have a lot of wisdom to share. Let me know if you need some help in finding them and I can direct you to their profiles.


One more thing... don't beat yourself up over this. Mistakes help us to learn. And learning what arouses you as a couple, is surely a worthwhile persuit.

Best of luck
Justine

[Iceweasel]

Thanks Justine. I think you do have a point that giving it up entirely may be an over reaction and one mistake isn't the end of the world. I do like your idea of being kind and sensitive over the next few days and not trying to force her into conversation. Hopefully with time we can find a good rhythm.

[just_ine]

I am very happy to hear that you aren't giving up. As with all things, it is about balance. And fun...this is supposed to be fun... it IS fun.... m usnt lose sight of that.

[Flaming_Redhead]

There's no substitute for good communication. I know it isn't necessarily "sexy" to discuss this with your clothes on, but it's entirely necessary to do so. There will always be opportunities for spontaneity, trial and error. Sometimes, even the best-laid plans will fall flat. It doesn't mean you give up on everything. Learn from it and move on. It may be helpful to print out a BDSM checklist to find out what she's most interested in. Then you can surprise her with an activity she wants to try.