BDSM outside of marriage

[ar1]

I'm going to make no judgements here whatsoever, I've just become really curious to know if many people are married but practice BDSM outside of their marriage rather than inside (having failed to successfully introduce BDSM or for any other reason which I'd be interested in hearing).

I've seen members on here who appear to live or have lived a secret BDSM life that their partner knows/knew nothing about, and I'm guessing this is more often the case than not and that it would not be usual for a vanilla couple to agree on one of them engaging in anything remotely sexual with someone else.

I guess members here may also have been the 'other party' in such an affair. Did you know they were married or did you find out down the line? What happened?

Unusual topic of discussion I know... I hope curiosity didn't really kill the cat ;-)

[denuseri]

Your most likely also going to find that 90% of the one's who are married to a vanilla partner that you meet online who are into bdsm are not doing any bdsm in real life eaither, using online as their out let and not telling their partner about their online activities becuase they dont see it as cheating.

[Liushka]

While Keltar and I aren't married yet, the topic of BDSM has been discussed even before we actually got together, so it was actually part of the mutual attraction. BDSM is within our sexual realm of enjoyment.

When we would/will actually practice with someone else - online and/or real life - she (as they would only be female due to personal choices on both sides, including my bisexuality) would be shared by both of us. There is no secret BDSM (or any other sort of possible "cheating") going on in our relationship.

Trust, open communication and sharing, are crucial aspects of our relationship.

[ar1]

Trust, open communication and sharing, are crucial aspects of our relationship.

Good on you both, really. :-)

[scarlet_85]

Also, I think knowing how I feel about BDSM, I would struggle with being with a straight vanilla partner. Cheating is not ok in my eyes. Regardless of the circumstances. So, knowing what I know now, my partner would have to have some interest on BDSM. I have a hard time with open relationships and the poly side of BDSM. I like exclusiveness (I know that's not a word lol).

[ar1]

Thanks for being so honest in your previous post, Scarlet. Really brave of you, but I'm glad you're finally on the right road now and are happy about that :-)

Also, I think knowing how I feel about BDSM, I would struggle with being with a straight vanilla partner. Cheating is not ok in my eyes. Regardless of the circumstances. So, knowing what I know now, my partner would have to have some interest on BDSM. I have a hard time with open relationships and the poly side of BDSM. I like exclusiveness (I know that's not a word lol).

I'll second your opinion on open and poly relationships. It's not something that feels natural to me at all - I've recently tried to be in a casual arrangement with someone (not even a form of relationship, literally just having some fun whenever it can be arranged) and it's really hard for me to accept that that's all it will ever be, and that they're probably going to be seeing other people at the same time as me. If I'm honest I'm not actually looking for another relationship just yet anyway, but I can never control my emotions and I always seem to get more emotionally involved in any situation than I might like to be. Hopefully practice will make perfect and I'll be able to do casual as much as the next person!!

[Ozme52]

Thanks for being so honest in your previous post, Scarlet. Really brave of you, but I'm glad you're finally on the right road now and are happy about that :-)

I'll second your opinion on open and poly relationships. It's not something that feels natural to me at all - I've recently tried to be in a casual arrangement with someone (not even a form of relationship, literally just having some fun whenever it can be arranged) and it's really hard for me to accept that that's all it will ever be, and that they're probably going to be seeing other people at the same time as me. If I'm honest I'm not actually looking for another relationship just yet anyway, but I can never control my emotions and I always seem to get more emotionally involved in any situation than I might like to be. Hopefully practice will make perfect and I'll be able to do casual as much as the next person!!

Poly definitely isn't for everyone. But if you have a wandering eye... or your partner does, it beats serial monogamy and causes far less emotional pain imo.

[Ozme52]

Also, I think knowing how I feel about BDSM, I would struggle with being with a straight vanilla partner. Cheating is not ok in my eyes. Regardless of the circumstances. So, knowing what I know now, my partner would have to have some interest on BDSM. I have a hard time with open relationships and the poly side of BDSM. I like exclusiveness (I know that's not a word lol).

Exclusivity.

[Ozme52]

If I had it to do over, I'd only be looking for a bdsm-avid partner.

But that discounts factors out of our control. There's little one can do if one falls for a vanilla except perhaps ignore it. Not a good solution.

The more you can tallk about it up front the better. Our solution was an open relationship that allows us to experience NRE (new relationship energy) without having to lose ong established love. Those decisions perforce put me into the married conducting bdsm outside of that relationship. I've also been that other person, but take no guilt over it... as I have never forced anyone to go outside of their own comfort zone, though I recognize I am exceptionally charismatic. (Lucky me )

That said, though my own relationship is DADT (don't ask - don't tell,) I try to only approach others in open/poly arrangements... and the occasional unattached person... if I feel I can trust them to remain rational about my commitment to my vanilla relationship.

[ar1]

Our solution was an open relationship that allows us to experience NRE (new relationship energy) without having to lose ong established love. Those decisions perforce put me into the married conducting bdsm outside of that relationship.

That's really interesting. So I'm assuming it's just you conducting BDSM outside of your relationship and not your partner too (who presumably isn't into it hence why you are playing elsewhere?)? Thanks for sharing, and also when you say about your relationship being DADT, do you mean in reference to your partner or in reference to anyone you might practice BDSM with outside of your marriage?

[Ozme52]

That's really interesting. So I'm assuming it's just you conducting BDSM outside of your relationship and not your partner too (who presumably isn't into it hence why you are playing elsewhere?)?

I don't know. DADT works both ways. She may be having vanilla affairs, she may be "kinky" with multiple partners... I doubt though, that she does "traditional" bdsm as there is no evidence of that in her between us.

Thanks for sharing, and also when you say about your relationship being DADT, do you mean in reference to your partner or in reference to anyone you might practice BDSM with outside of your marriage?

My bdsm partners always know I'm married and married with no "intention to get a divorce". And though that limits my choices sometimes, it's better than the altenatives. I won't lie to get laid. I won't intentionally hurt someone if I can avoid it... except, of course, in the bdsm sense of the word 'hurt'.

(Sorry for the delay answering, I missed the question in your reply.)

[scarlet_85]

This is a very touchy subject, however, I will add my honest input.

I was in a failing marriage. It lacked everything when it came to sex... including the act of sex :/ When my interest in BDSM sparked and I was sure I wanted to try it, I did stray. I'm in no way saying this is ok. In fact, my guilt over it was extreme. I quickly realized that this was a lifestyle that I wanted to live.

My marriage came to its end as I knew it would. For over a year it had struggled. My BDSM experience is not the reason my marriage fell apart though. There were many other factors. Now, as a single young woman, I have embraced this world. It's my added twist of excitement

[chipmunk_]

I was in a largely broken vanilla marriage. I'd unsuccessfully tried to introduce some aspects of bdsm into our life, several times. Occasionally, I would seem to have very minor success, but it never lasted, and there were way too many other problems. When I came to the Library, I was in a bit of denial, thinking that I was making a last ditch effort to save things with my husband. What I now see, is that I was really looking to try bdsm, in a tentative, somewhat safe way.

Unlike what denuseri said, I definitely saw what I was doing as a form of cheating, and I didn't like it. As soon as I'd gathered enough courage (and paused for knee surgery) I left my husband. That was about six months ago, and I've never been happier or more satisfied.

[scarlet_85]

I was in a largely broken vanilla marriage. I'd unsuccessfully tried to introduce some aspects of bdsm into our life, several times. Occasionally, I would seem to have very minor success, but it never lasted, and there were way too many other problems. When I came to the Library, I was in a bit of denial, thinking that I was making a last ditch effort to save things with my husband. What I now see, is that I was really looking to try bdsm, in a tentative, somewhat safe way.

Unlike what denuseri said, I definitely saw what I was doing as a form of cheating, and I didn't like it. As soon as I'd gathered enough courage (and paused for knee surgery) I left my husband. That was about six months ago, and I've never been happier or more satisfied.

Wow... your story hits home. Thank you for sharing I am a lot happier as well... I even had the knee surgery! Lol crazy for sure! Happiness is key... and I'm glad you're tasting it!

[scarlet_85]

Thank you I love honest feedback.

And, for some reason, this was my thought to all of the above stated...

My Master is 16 years older than I am. That puts him at 41. However, through many discussions, there are no expectations at this time. We just enjoy the company of each other. And the sex is **AMAZING** :P I have a child already and even though I'd like to have more, that's just not an option at this time. As you said, you have lived your life, just like my Master. I am young and very "wild & crazy" still. I think what's helped us on that is a ton of communication, throwing out restrictions, and the acknowledgement that we live in two different worlds. But I'm content with all of that. He's the smile on my face I think that realistically, age has no restraints as long as you're happy.

Also, I agree with what you said about your marriage. In a strange way, you are still very loyal to your wife. That's home. And even though you live a poly lifestyle, you haven't completely neglected your wife. So, I can respect that.

I give you kudos for being able to manage more than one sex life lol a friend of mine refers to that as an empire. A lot of effort involved in that one!

[felinefred]

I'm involved in a new baby bdsm relationship with a man who is married in a very vanilla relationship. I don't necessarily feel good about being involved with a married man, but on the flip side, I, selfishly, need the release of this type of sex. I don't want his wife to find out. He's the dom, I'm the sub, so I don't know how this will play out but he's teaching me so very many things that I didn't know. My hope is that I don't fall for him while this is going on.

[swa]

Very interesting! I just joined and am not quite sure what section to use to address my fetish. My wife and I are professional pilots and she comes across as very prim and proper, vanilla if you will. We have an active personal sex life 4-5 times per week. I am, I guess, a semi cuckold. I love finding out my wife is with someone else, she doesn't know I know, and have that person take photos and vids. She has recently gotten involved with a local doctor who is very much a Dom and has given me a tour of his very expensive and extensive "basement" how outside the lifestyle is this?

[LO1121]

My husband is also really turned on by the thought of me with another man. We both have fought our desire for this for a long time, but after 10 years it makes us happier and more in love not to.

[thir]

My husband is also really turned on by the thought of me with another man. We both have fought our desire for this for a long time, but after 10 years it makes us happier and more in love not to.

Good that you found the right way for you, just wondering, why did you fight it??

[LO1121]

Societal "norms" are bitches. It's hard to let go. It takes more trust (in my humble opinion) to have an open marriage than a physically monogamous one.

[thir]

I My hope is that I don't fall for him while this is going on.

Uh, that can be quite hard to avoid..As someone used to say: there is no condom for the heart.

[ickleimi]

I'm in a very difficult position, my other half can act dominant but due to a disability needs a lot of guidance and telling what to do in life in general. I've had to learn to deal with this as I am naturally submissive. However, this has meant at times I have been elsewhere and in some ways this has enhanced my relationship with my other (for example I learnt to orgasm thanks to an affair!!) On the other hand, yes I've felt a lot of guilt.

[LO1121]

Thank you ar1 that's a perfect story and I very much appreciated it.

[ar1]

You are more than welcome LO1121. I always gain a lot from the insights of others in this unpredictable world, it's nice to be able to share stories and feelings.

[After_life]

Wow I definitly agree and could never have said it better

*smiles* this one knows what he is talking about thus far...

[Mrs-Sett {Kuve}]

As I understand that, jealously is defined as 'Feeling or showing a resentful suspicion that one’s partner is attracted to or involved with someone else' yet 'Possessive deemed showing an unwillingness to share one’s possessions' (Oxford UK) definitions apart, agreed.

I agree that the actions described, are totally punishing, as trust should be mutual within clear boundaries. Sulking is such a totally, manipulative thing to do and hell unpleasant for those involved. Given that, which is born from annoyance or disappointment cannot be healthy? Do we not all want successful, happy, fun relationships? But consider what she and he is doing, is hurting' the other person, clearly communication is required. Albeit, I suspect that this is more than likely to be without intent, he/she needs to tell he/her what is required, agrees or disagreed, decisions made.

Just my thoughts, Sett

[ickleimi]

theres a really good erotic fantasy series based around a hockey team the Dartmouth Cobras which shows quite well how it can work. It's not the perfect series but there is some good stuff in there. I also know quite a few kinksters who are in such a relationship and it just works, theres no issues. Only problem is trying to stop their daughter getting bullied for telling people that she had two Dads and a Mum

[just_ine]

I believe the root of jealousy is insecurity. If I am secure in my relationship/s (whether mono OR poly) then there would be no reason for jealousy.

Thus:

Now, from what I understand I assume Couple 1 have a somewhat open relationship whereas Couple 2 is very strictly monogamous.

I'm not sure if one can simply make such an assumption.

My 'read' on the described situation is rather:
The man from couple 1 is secure in the place he occupies in his partners life.
The man in couple 2 imo feels threatened. He is insecure about the place he occupies in her life. If he wasn't worried he wouldn't be jealous and most certainly be sulking.

My Doms other girl is my best friend. I Love knowing they are spending time together just as she feels the same way when He is spending time with me.
Why don't I feel jealous? Because I am secure in knowing the role I play in His life.
When I feel a slight twinge....I recognise it as a sign of insecurity and I make sure we address it. And things settle again.

Now, I'm certainly not suggesting All monogamous people who prefer not to share are inherently insecure in their relationships, but rather that jealousy is a flashing light (in mono and poly) of a deeper problem.

[ar1]

I'm not sure if one can simply make such an assumption.

Oh my assumption was not based on the story, but on the fact that she goes off and features in porn shoots without him... :-P

[just_ine]

*grins* Point made.
Thing is, the point of my post still stands, imo. He is not feeling insecure. Guy nr 2 is.