Fear and Submission

[just_ine]

This morning I read this quote:

“Right on the edge of fear was where trust could grow.” ― Cherise Sinclair

It is, of course, from a book, but I have heard it before... Fear makes the dance between Dominant and submissive during a scene, more intense. Of course, some want the terror associated with Consensual Non-Consent. (CNC). For some a little bit of apprehension is a good thing, while for others, fear simply closes them down.

It got me wondering about a few things (for those who enjoy a little (or perhaps a lot) of fear with their playtime):

What level of fear do Y/you prefer?

Is that fear for the implements? For the demands that will be placed on you? Fear of the Dominant?

Are Y/you able to articulate what the fear does in your body and mind?


And then the bonus question: Does fear help your trust to grow? Can the sub say so about the Dominant and why? And does a sub's fear make Your trust in him/her grow, Dominant?


Thank Y/you in anticipation for all responses.

[Iceweasel]

I don't fear my wife when she dominates me, but I do feel apprehension about what type of punishment she will administer. I'm never really sure what she will do or how hard she will do it, and as I am almost always bound and blindfolded, there is an intense feeling of a lose of control. I really enjoy this sensation and as my wife knows me very well, she is able to keep me just on the edge of breaking for an extended period of time.

I would say that this doesn't only create trust, but forges a very deep bond. The intensity of the experience, and the trust you require to allow it, create an intimacy far beyond just sex.

[just_ine]

Thank you, Iceweasel. You explained that beautifully. I agree that, for me, apprehension is a much better descriptor than fear.

I know there are people who prefer fear though... I'd love to hear from them also...

[Flaming_Redhead]

What level of fear do Y/you prefer?

I prefer edge play, like breath play and fire play, so I guess you could say I prefer a high level of fear.

Is that fear for the implements? For the demands that will be placed on you? Fear of the Dominant?

It's more like fear of being severely wounded and/or dying.

Are Y/you able to articulate what the fear does in your body and mind?

It causes an endorphin rush which usually results in what is commonly called "sub space." I can have a feeling of euphoria, of being disconnected from everything around me, and increased pain tolerance.


And then the bonus question: Does fear help your trust to grow? Can the sub say so about the Dominant and why?

I don't give "blanket" trust, so the trust that develops is for the certain activity and nothing more.

[Flaming_Redhead]

.

[just_ine]

Thanks for your answers Flaming_Redhead.

A few questions regarding that please?

It's more like fear of being severely wounded and/or dying.

So, the doubt whether your Dominant/Top will in fact keep you safe? Or might this time decide to push you beyond your limits, or might not be able to keep you safe?


Would you say you experience the fear most acutely before or during the edge play?

You mention subspace and it makes sense to feel that after a time in the scene... and after. But does this mean you don't have any Other physical reaction to the fear beforehand?
When i am preparing myself for a scene that I know will include pain, I experience the most fear before the scene and way less during... almost like when I submit to whatever He had planned for me, the actual feelings of fear (heart pounding, shallow breath etcetc) disappear.

[Flaming_Redhead]

So, the doubt whether your Dominant/Top will in fact keep you safe? Or might this time decide to push you beyond your limits, or might not be able to keep you safe?

Fire play is never safe. There are ways to minimize the risk, but accidents can happen. If the batons have too much alcohol in them, it can run or drip, causing a fire in an unexpected area. I've seen pictures of fire play gone wrong, and it wasn't pretty.

Would you say you experience the fear most acutely before or during the edge play?

During fire play, the fear is most acute during the scene as it gets hotter. I'm more nervous before being whipped with a single-tail than during the scene. Once it starts, I'm fine. With suspension, I'm more nervous during the scene than beforehand. Being bound is calming, but swinging around is unnerving since equipment can malfunction.

You mention subspace and it makes sense to feel that after a time in the scene... and after. But does this mean you don't have any Other physical reaction to the fear beforehand?

I may feel a little nervous, but I also feel excited. It's hard to tell which feeling is stronger. Both cause a slightly increased heart rate. I don't fear the pain I signed up for, only that something could go wrong.

[MrsRemsburg]

Not being as experienced and knowledgable as many are on this site, I still find the subject of BDSM and submission very intense AND scary.

What level of fear do Y/you prefer?
My level of fear I assume will change as I experience more and more intermediate to extreme levels of punishment and bdsm tools.
I am hoping the level of fear present each time will keep me on the edge of begging to stop vs my DOM making me go beyond any limits I may have.

Is that fear for the implements? For the demands that will be placed on you? Fear of the Dominant?
Once I am accepted by a DOM, I never want to fear my DOM himself. But I expect to fear what my DOM will have in mind for me which I
will hope I will not know until moments before I will experience that specific implement or tool or punishment. The unknown is very much
a large part of what I want to experience as I progress in levels of pain and learning.

Are Y/you able to articulate what the fear does in your body and mind?
For me fear and not knowing makes my body feel like I am being controlled by something else that not being my own mind. I realize I am
100% submissive and have certain responsibilities and duties to my DOM. Even after the few experiences I have had, my inner self remembers vividly what I was feeling and the pain or climaxing that happened. In a quiet environment, I can close my eyes and recreate
in my mind close to the actual event and climax and almost possess the same fear inside my belly and chest and mind.

And then the bonus question: Does fear help your trust to grow? Can the sub say so about the Dominant and why? And does a sub's fear make Your trust in him/her grow, Dominant?
Because I am married and have family and job, once DOM does accept me then I will need to trust him. Giving my DOM control and dominance over me, I have no choice but to trust he will keep my marriage and job safe from finding out who I truly am and what I am.

[Scot68]

My partner and I are really new at BDSM.
We don't play with fear but I still have some. For me the fear is admitting to my partner some of the things that I actually WANT her to know but I'm scared to admit.

Regarding consensual non-consent:
I saw a video on XR University where Aiden Star and Ian Rath were talking about consensual non-consent. By this they mean that one person asks to other to force something on him or her and he or she wants to not like it. They said don't do it. It never works out. On the other hand, if you think you WOULD like whatever it is, then go for it.
I think the advice is keep your consent consensual!

[Tweek213]

In my case I think that apprehension is a much more accurate term than fear now that my sub and I have learned where the limits are. My sub doesn't "fear" me bacause she knows that I know exactly where her limits are and that I'm going to push her to them but never beyond them. In the moment I suppose that there is always going to be a bit of nerves or apprehension but I don't think it crosses over into real fear anymore. That being said I can see how for a sub thats still figuring out where their limits are it could be frightening to explore.

I was a little afraid when first starting out in my role as a Dom. I didn't want to push her too far too quickly or expose her to something she wasn't ready for yet. IMO one of the most detrimental things a Dom can do is push the sub past their limits. I will say that the fear I felt did excite me and the excitement I felt was palpable. The more I pushed the stronger it became. I'd say that the fear that we both felt was absolutely necessary for the trust between she and I to grow. It may sound oxymoronic but without the fear of pushing too far or being pushed too far I may not have pushed far enough and she may not have ever known exactly where her limits are.

[Beltbuckle]

I would say apprehension. If you are really afraid of your dominant, there's something wrong.

[slaveboy 6]

Fear should be taken out of the equation at the beginning of the relationship. A dominant and a sub should have a direct heart-to-heart discussion about what the sub will accept and won't. If a sub has any fear that the dominant is not trustworthy, he or she should not allow such a scene to commence. Ideally, once they get through the initial feeling out period, then they can enjoy to the fullest this most erotic experience.