Confused..

[Ladymad]

I am feeling a little confused at the moment...

I always thought I was a pure, 100% submissive. But now, I think I feel differently about the situation. I would love to have a boy, and take care of him, and be his... (dare I say it?)... Domme.


But I wouldn't know how if I tried.


This feeling... This want to be in control, to take care of someone in an entirely different way, from the top... I'm not used to it, at all. I'm not sure how to respond to my feelings.


Any advice? Commiserations? I'm not really sure what I'm asking for... I just need some help!

[craven]

no need to be confused, though i can appreciate how you feel, i used to think i was 100% dom, i am not sure how or why but different people evoke different feelings and needs within me, i am guessing that this is how it is for you.

Just go with your instincts, maybe talk to some dommes, sound out subs, as a sub yourself you will know how a sub feels and thinks so you are well placed to take care of as you say your own sub, the thing to do is to ensure that you are open and honest with prospective subs.

Let them know exactly where you are and listen to where they want to be, there is no need to rush, take your time, and learn about each other.

I am happy to talk about how it felt for me to realise that i was switch, and the different emotions and feelings that i derive from being a Dom to having a Domma.

no need to feel confused at all, welcome to the switches chaisse.

all the best and welcome

[shayna{L_D}]

I am feeling a little confused at the moment...

I always thought I was a pure, 100% submissive. But now, I think I feel differently about the situation. I would love to have a boy, and take care of him, and be his... (dare I say it?)... Domme.


But I wouldn't know how if I tried.


This feeling... This want to be in control, to take care of someone in an entirely different way, from the top... I'm not used to it, at all. I'm not sure how to respond to my feelings.


Any advice? Commiserations? I'm not really sure what I'm asking for... I just need some help!

im glad you started this thread i am feeling the same way! *confused!*

[Ozme52]

I suggest if you feel the need, go explore it and find out.

It doesn't necessarily mean you have to be a sadistic or harsh domme, I can see the desire to just care for someone... if that turns out to be how your desire to control manifests itself.

You don't have to "fit" a mold. But do be prepared that you may need to acquire certain skills to provide your boy the pleasures he seeks.

There are plenty of areas that are not gender specific, and I'm sure there must be a few articles and threads on how to deal with boy-parts.

[denuseri]

Dear Ladymad:

I address this reponse to you personally due to the nature of your inquiry.

In my humble opinion:

It could be a maturnal instinct surfacing.

Lord knows my own has kicked in a lot recently, alltough I must confess I have no actual desire to dominate another outside of the occasional instructional object lesson.

Despite what a couple of individual detractors who identify themselves as "switches" on this site may think or say both publically and privately of me...

...It is my personal opinion that it is, purely natural to have such feeling and also in no way makes you any "less" of a submissive if that is your primary inclination in a bdsm capacity or otherwise.

In fact I believe the terminology revolving around the self identification of the word "Switch" is a wholey unnessesary practice in bdsm other than to identify one as having a preference to be capable of changing roles, or to identify the behavior of any dom or sub to switch roles even if temporarally; which we all do anyway as the situation merits to one extent or another.

In real life (even outside confines of bdsm and the bedroom) we all submit in one fashion or another to a higher authority and or (sometimes simultaneously) dominant to some degree that which is precieved by us to require our guildence etc.

Thus in effectual thoery by some peoples standards we are all "Switchs" by defualt.

This does not mean that I am sugesting we should abandon our respective terms of "identity" when it comes to bdsm, after all at least one of us must submit to the other for it to be called a dom/sub relationship even if its a fleeting one etc.

Such terms are condusive to maintaining a dom/sub houeshold at the very least, especially in a 24/7 and or TPE relationship.

My husband and Owner calls this fluid relationship between all individuals bdsm or vanillia or otherwise a "Hierachy of Dominion".

We all conform to it in one way or another even if we are not consciously aware of it or deny it's very existance.

Though I will admit that certian acts if preformed by one that has held a dominant position over me are preformed while they are submitting to another (If I have knowledge of it that is) or for some unknown reason they decide to submit to me personally, it does ireversably alter my preception of any dominion they may have once held over me.

This doesnt mean I think less of them as a person, but it does change my relationship with them as it alters my view of thier position in the forementioned hierachy were as I am personally conserned.

Some of us lean more twords the dominant aspect and some lean more to the submissive side in varying levels when it comes to our behaviors.

Ones place within this fore mentioned hierarchy is defined by one's own preceptions in relationship to the other individual one is dealing with at the time.

It is not allways a static constant, but a more fluid dynamic of interpersoanl exchange dependent on individual perspectives.

I also draw a distinction between "playing a role" and my identity of "self" where as being attuned to my natural, (IE: what is natural for me personally) place so to speak, especially for the purposes of bdsm activities.

I am capable of playing the part of a dominant, some have told me I do it quite well, but when it comes to my personal preferences I am much more attuned to the identity of a kajira.

In any event there is no real need to be confussed even if you are feeling uncertianty.

Perhaps your dominant, if you currently have one at this time etc, will permit you to experiement in such an edeavor and give you your own "pet".

My very first relationship in bdsm was in fact such an arrangment as I was placed in a subordinate position to the "First girl" of my Owner many years ago.

I in effect was ultimately his, alltough I was also required to submit to her, even to the point of addressing her as Mistress etc. It did not make her any less of a kajira.

Who knows you may actually be more suited to dominance than you might think and decide to actually switch your declaration of role identity permanetly.

In any event I hope that this helps you come to the wisdom and understanding that despite what you or others choose to call yourself, you are still a bueatiful and unique person capable of submission or dominance as the case may be.

The limits of which only revolve around your own personal consensus of preception.

Respectfully

denuseri

[craven]

Oh and i forgot to mention ladymad, an added bonus of labeling yourself a switch is that it winds some people up lol which whilst not reason itself is always a bonus

he he he he he flicks the fellow switches and awaits their input


Hey den scrolling through your post reminded me of the start of star wars, i like it.......

[thir]

[QUOTE=craven;771453]Oh and i forgot to mention ladymad, an added bonus of labeling yourself a switch is that it winds some people up lol which whilst not reason itself is always a bonus

he he he he he flicks the fellow switches and awaits their input
/QUOTE]

You are quite right, absurd as that seems on an actual Switch list! LOL

But to Ladymad: The best advice I can think of is that you find a couple of Domme mailing lists and listen in for a while, to get the lay of the land, and some inspiration. As I see it, the main thing is to find out what kind of boy you are looking for, what kind of relationship.

Is it, so to speak, the exact mirroring of your own experiences?
Is it pain you want to give, as well as care?
Sex, or service, or both?
Obedience, ownership ?
Full time, part time?

What is most important to you? What are you looking for?

You might say that the feelings for your boy are the most important thing, but it is also very good if you are as compatible in other ways as possible.

If you want to think it over and talk further with people here by all means do so. I would say try to imagine more about what it is you seek.

Do not be disturbed that you have both sides, or if you find you have turned Domme completely either. It actually happens to a lot of people.

[denuseri]

A long time ago in a dungeon far far away...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[craven]

I like it, as long as i can be luke asspaddler

[leo9]

A couple of things that have been said, but bear repeating.

Don't be surprised that your Dom needs are not a mirror image of your sub needs. It's that way for most of us.

There is nothing wrong with being a gentle caring Domme with an urge to look after your boy. I've been called a "service Dom" by people who didn't mean it as a compliment, but I took it as one. Furthermore, that desire to nurture and protect your sub needn't conflict with keeping him under strict control, or with beating the tar out of him every night, if that's how your tastes run.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

[fetishdj]

I always have these feelings too... occasionally I want to Dom someone. I say try it out, see what happens. There are plenty of experienced and not so experienced male subs out there looking for a willing Domme so see if one of them wants to take you on.

A Domme is not necessarily, as Oz says, a harsh or cruel person. That is, in fact, the misconception most have of them. Most are caring and loving of their subs.

Maybe try talking to some male subs online, maybe indulge in a little online domination if you find someone you are comfortable with. Its ok, you won't betray your hardcore sub values by doing so...

[Sanapet]

I agree it is a confusing experience, though my own wondering has just started and has been mostly unconscious for the most part prior to this, my Master actually has a taste of submissiveness and sometimes needs the release of allowing me to top him.

I almost always find this an unsettling expiriance and find I need a very thorough round of domination soon afterwords or I'm in a funk for days where I can't quiet get back into being submissive but I still think of myself as completely submissive.

My Master has encourage me to explore the possibilities of being more comfortable with going back and forth more easily, if I can find someone I'm comfortable with. Seeing as I almost always need quiet a bit of prodding to be able to 'take up the leash' so to speak.

I know I've not offered any real advice but I hope you feel better just knowing you're not alone in this confusing time. No one else knows what's going on either, lol.

Sana

[EDQ]

most sub's are in control they just don't know it. you need to explore with the right dom.a sub can take care of her mater.

[Lady_mischief]

I actually came to this site to explore being a Switch. It didn't take long for me to realize a label isn't necessary, unless ... you choose to live by it. Just as having sex with a member of the same sex doesn't necessarily make you a gay; the desire to top someone or even to Domme,doesn't mean I need to assume the label of a switch.

My nature is submissive, I function and respond well in that role. It doesn't mean I can't have a boytoy, after all I've yet to meet a Dom who will allow me to have my way with him. That is the desire I would like to quench. That's my conclusion. I understand the preference of being a switch for those who chose to live by it. For me ~ I just need a mischievous outlet, occasionally.