Feedback wanted on Questions to ask a potential Dom

[Dejah Thoris]

Hello everyone!

I am in communication with a local man who has expressed interest in being a Dom to me. He has been incredibly communicative in chat and over the phone, and has consistently warned me to be very, very careful in my search and to know exactly what I want.

We are scheduled to meet in person for the first time at a coffee shop this weekend. He sent me a long list of in-depth questions and asked me to do the same, so that we can establish where the other person is coming from. I have painstakingly created this list from what I have learned from this site, and from doing Google searches for what to ask a Dom, turnarounds from his own list to me, and from my own needs of what I think I should know. I am worried, though, that I am missing something crucial, something fundamental that would really get to the heart of what he is about as a Dom. Even worse, I am possibly missing something that would be very, very important down the line. Or that I am asking a question the wrong way (for instance #18 about sadism).

I present this list to you look over with a critical eye - were a potential submissive to present you with this list, is there an obvious gap that would not allow you to express your intentions and needs as a Dom?

Obviously the last question "Is there anything else" is a bit of a catch-all.. but I'd rather be specific about the important things.

Thank you in advance for any help you can give to me, I appreciate each and every one of you.

1. How long have you practiced the lifestyle?

2. Why are you a Dom?

3. How adept are you at controlling your own actions and desires?

4. What do you wish to accomplish in a D/s relationship?

5. How many submissives do you normally have/like to have at once?

6. What attributes do you look for in a submissive?

7. Ideally, what level of control over your submissive brings you the most satisfaction?

8. How much of, and what kind of, involvement are you prepared to give to a submissive (face-to-face, phone, IM, etc.)

9. On an intimacy scale where 0 is “Indifferent” and 10 is “Loving”, where does your style of Domination fit?

10. Are you looking for a play partner/short term relationship?

11. If you are looking for a long term relationship, do you envision a monogamous, polygamous, open, or other relationship?

12. How important is sexual service to you, and under what circumstances would your submissive be expected to perform?

13. What acts would you never ask your submissive to perform/are out of bounds for you?

14. How important is physical appearance to you, and if important, what are your preferences?

15. What is collaring to you, and are you looking for a submissive to collar?

16. Do you require a written contract or agreement with your submissive?

17. Are there aspects of the lifestyle that do not appeal to you? (e.g., humiliation, sharing, needle play, etc.)?

18. Are you sadistic? If so, under what circumstances do you give pain to your submissive?

19. What is your stance on safe sex with your submissive, what precautions (if any) do you take?

20. Have you ever been a submissive in a scene or as a part of a relationship? If so, what did you take away from that experience?

21. Do you belong to any local or online communities? If so, what is your role (leader, participant, observer/learner) – and do you require your submissive to join any of these?

22. Why do you want to be my Dom?

23. Why should I be your submissive?

24. Please do tell me anything else about you that I may have failed to ask, or your desire to work with me this way.

[denuseri]

I am not one for doing lists and questionaires myself, or contracts...but I would think one may want to know what happened to his last submissive or partner before and if he minded if you contacted them.

Whatever you do, if and when you decide to go and play with the individual: I would highly advise having a real life third party who knows exactly where you are at during your dates with the prospective dom available to call the cops etc if you dont check in etc.

[Dejah Thoris]

Thank you Denuseri,

He did talk about her, explained his role in her life, and said that they parted as per their agreement once her goals were reached after 2 or 3 years. That one question about contacting her is one of the tough questions I am so hesitant to ask, but now that you have brought it up, I put myself in her place: If a former Dom were to contact me and ask me if I would provide a reference or talk to a new potential sub about him, I would feel comfortable making that decision for myself, and it would not feel as though he exposed my information without gaining my full permission. I will ask him when we meet.

I do agree that the questionnaire seems so unnatural, but it has been so helpful to me to just understand for myself what needs to be discussed. Even if I never show this piece of paper to another potential Dom, I will be certain to find the answers to these questions via discussion.

Oh, and yes, no matter how much I believe and trust this person at the outset, I will most definitely will arrange for a regular check-in until trust is established.

Thank you again!

[VaAugusta]

I gagged a little at question #1.

[Dejah Thoris]

I am glad, VA, that you shared your negative reaction. The intent of the question (and perhaps a more honest way to express it) is simply to find out how long they have been aware of thier tendencies and to gauge how long of a time period they have had to understand themselves in that context, and practice it with other people.

Thank you for helping me think that one through a little more.

[misty {HBMan}]

I am having fun, reading the old threads and found this.

If only more people would create such a list, and ask the tough questions before jumping into a scene, perhaps there would be less damage. More especially if it isn't simply a Top / bottom arrangement. I think letting just anyone into your mind is very unwise, if proper vetting isn't done.

[Chocolateboy]

@HBmisty re reading old threads you and me both. As a teacher once told me, never be affraid to ask as more than likely there are other people wanting to ask the same thing so more will benefit if you ask.

As for the list itself, would love to know how the meeting went, after all the post was made back in 2011. I may ask the OP