Carpe Coma

Words are the building blocks of our ideas. Because of this, the words we use affect how we interpret the ideas we have, much the same way a house built out of brick is not the same as one built of steel, and how a mural done in crayon isn’t seen the same as one done in oils. The words we use frame the ideas we express through their intonations. Because of this, I hate many of the words we collectively use to discuss and describe d/s as they frame it in an alienating, self-deprecating manner. So starting with my number one aggravation;

“Lifestyle”

This word holds a special place of seething hatred with me. I grit my teeth every time I see or hear someone use it. In that one word, we have collectively managed to take something for which we ostensibly fight for acceptance and place it in a permanent spot of alienation. Do homosexuals talk about the ‘homosexual lifestyle’? Christians? Blacks? Hell no. Because the word implies something artificial, something separate. If we want acceptance, we have to act like we accept ourselves first. We need to not use words that suggest d/s is something foreign. This brings me to the next word of this fricassee;

“Play”

Talk about not accepting ourselves. Our usage of ‘play’ is the second worst offender. ‘Play’ this and ‘play’ that. I know why we use it. We use it to try to convey that we aren’t being abusive, that everyone involved is a willing participant (or as willing as they want to be), and that we don’t really mean it. At the same time, we trivialize d/s by making it a game by implication.

“Toys”

This word is on my list for the same reasons as ‘play’. Some of my preferred ‘toys’ can easily maim or kill someone if used incorrectly. If we want to be taken seriously, we have to at least act like we take ourselves seriously. Now that doesn’t mean wrapping ourselves in pretentious crap, as that just makes for mockery. It means being honest, frank, and not shirking away from the implications.

“Kink”

The very word implies that something isn’t right. A kink in a hose, or the plan. Along with ‘bent’, this implies misshapen, malformed, out of place. I know some people wear the outcast status as a badge of pride, however that’s just as asinine as being non-conformist for the sake of being non-conformist. I am not malformed, dammit.

Finally, last but not least;

“Power Exchange”

This is more disguising d/s to avoid the comparison to abuse. Power held without the means to enforce it, is not power at all. Wielding actual power requires some degree of involuntary participation, else what you have is not power but agreed upon rules and roles. We do ourselves no favour by shying away from the nature of power. Power is influence. It is the ability to make things happen. The very nature of power is at odds with idea of things being wholly voluntary. When we hide or trivialize that, we trade self actualization for a more ‘acceptable’ facade.

Our usage of these words implies a lack of self acceptance, of inequality with the rest of society through self marginalization. This is as self-defeating as someone who is gay accepting sex as being defined as man-woman genital contact or civil unions as a substitute for marriage. Our wants are not less valid because others are uncomfortable about them. We are not the nerdy kid at school, nor the bastard step child. Self relegation for the sake of appearances didn’t fly in regards to race, ethnicity, nor homosexuality, and it doesn’t fly here.

The first step to being accepted by others is accepting yourself. The first step towards accepting ourselves is to frame our discussions as if we are acceptable, which we can’t do using those words. Until we show that we accept ourselves, all this will stay hidden in the shadows because we have deemed that it is the only place for it.

Is this much ado about little? You tell me. Scrambled eggs: aborted chicken fetuses or breakfast? George Washington: founding father or seditious insurgent? So what does it matter how we say things? They’re just words.