TantricSoul

*An older writing of mine that has recently taken on new meaning, and so, it is here as a reminder*

I used to struggle, fighting off sadness or trying not to be anxious, but as most of us learn, once that drop of melancholy or unrest beads upon the heart, trying to feel anything else is denial. Once the mind, like a long guitar string is plucked with even the slightest agitation, there is nothing to do but let it ring out.

We all know of tears that turn to laughter. Or the laugh that breaks open into bitter tears. Or the anger that melts into deep loneliness. Or the cool face of indifference that cracks, eventually showing the fear under it all. What this opens for us, for me, is the often hard-to-accept fact that underneath there is only one unnameable emotion, which all feelings know as home. Despite our efforts, out labors, at being happy not sad, at being calm and still not anxious, at being clear not muddled, at understanding instead of angry; despite all the ways we carve up our reaction to living, then run from one to the other; despite our fear of certain feelings, or even all feeling, it is feeling our way fully through each that lands us in the vibrant ache that underrides being alive. to reach this vibrant place ... is healing.

It is a trial though, to lean into feelings we don't want, to allow the panicked anxiety to work its way through. For myself, my resistance to unpleasant feelings has been the inescapable fear that by giving myself over to the fear or anxiety or anger or confusion or pain that surrounds my heart, I will drown in it. I fear it will take over my life. I will become nothing but the fear, anxiety, anger, or confusion.

But what I discover and rediscover, repeatedly, is that feeling any one feeling deeply enough- that is, thoroughly and completely- somehow opens me up to the common source of all feeling. And once at this source, no one feeling can last by itself. So, through our feelings, not around them, we come upon the unnameable source of all feeling that can heal us of any one mood.

Humbly,
~TS