Skyybird

I have been sitting here comtemplating my future for a number of different reasons and because of various situations that have recently come to my door. I am not going to ramble off into a woe is me type of blog because really...woe is not me. I am eternally optimistic and positive in my outlook on life. Often to my own peril, I am frequently disappointed with reality. However, having read somebody elses blog I feel inspired to write one myself based on a comment I was going to leave about her words.

My life is a good one. I am blessed in many ways. Whilst I dont have everything, I want for nothing. I have had my share of joy and heartbreak punctuated with many moments of contentment over my 36 years. But here's the rub; I find myself at a crossroads, one which seems infinitely frustrating and confusing, yet exciting and so stimulating. There is of course the option to set up camp in the middle of the junction and ponder the options a little longer and see what turns up. I do not have to force a decision.

I am currently alone in my sexual life, for many reasons, despite the efforts of myself and various friends and aquaintances. It's not ideal, I truly believe that to need a soulmate and a sexual partner is natural, it is human nature and the purpose and goal of mankind in order to further it's existence. Various people in my life have taken on elements of this need to be 'with' someone. I have three wonderful friends whom I can call on for advice, affection and support. Be it physical or emotional they are with me through thick and thin. Like I said, I am blessed.

One of my friends, whom I consider to be my conscience, my common sense and my inner person support network, may as well be on Saturn as far as ever being physically in the same room as me. But despite the miles of ocean and land that separate us, not a day goes past when we dont speak at some point. He regularly describes himself as 'uncle' since he is significantly older and wiser than I am, but we share a passion for propriety in our outward personalities, a hunger for stupid details in everything that we learn and know about our professional 'lives', he has the same sick twisted sense of humour that I am rarely brave enough to outwardly admit to, yet above all he never fails to show me the answer in the many trials and tribulations that have filled my life over the years.

What confuses me is that I have evolved into a being that accepts affectionate kisses and embraces from my best friend. She is the one person in the whole world who knows everything there is to know, and still she loves me. She can finish my sentences just from the look on my face. She can often see my answer before even I know it. There is no judgement, we live life together with unconditional love and support. She is the sister I always needed and the friend I could never live without. I dont want this to turn into a tribute to her because that to my mind is just gushy and unecessary, she already knows how I feel about her. But my wonderings have led me to ask the question 'is there still room in my soul for another love?'

I'm afraid that I am becoming something of a sexual robot. Hmmm I hear you ...I want one of those lol...who doesnt? Switch me on and watch me go! But is there really any soul to it all anymore?

Am I a freak of my own self preservation? I know she will never break my heart, she will never leave me for a younger model, she will always pick me up when I fall, hold my hair back and soothe me when I'm sick. Those used to be the things I wanted from a relationship. They were the added benefits, to coin a phrase, to giving all that I am to another person without fear or hesitation. But the one thing we are not is sexual with each other. We have never felt the desire or curiousity to venture into the darkness that perhaps others in a similar situation may find themselves doing. This is where I become afraid that I have disconnected sex and love. Is it possible to have one without the other? I never ever used to think it was, but life so far has proved me wrong.

Now please dont think that I am at deaths door with depression over this. If I wanted to have sex with a man badly enough, I know I could find it. I'm sure it would be truly amazing to boot. I have proof in my not to distant past that I am a very sexual person. It is something that I crave and need in order to feel like a complete person. On the flip side I am more than capable of quenching my thirst without the help of anyone else. But more than ever I am also beginning to see that quenching the thirst is not quite hitting a home run anymore. I have fun, undoubtedly, but I am hungry. Ravenous at times for the touch of another, to be lost in the control of another. The opportunity for such a situation has recently presented itself. But I set it free back to the place I found it because no matter how hard I tried, it just wasnt ticking all my boxes.

It was sex, good sex too, but I couldnt open my soul for him the way I have for my kindred spirits. I havent finished debating with myself the reason for that, be it fear of rejection, fear of trusting the wrong person, or simply that it just wasnt right. We live in a world of damaged people. I have my own war wounds to remind me of the battles I have faced and survived. I find myself wondering, too much I might add, where is that one soul, who fits with mine? Whose battle scars are not so raw and incurable that they can not embrace the joy in life. Does it lurk out there, waiting for an opportunity? Have I already found it and havent recognised it? Have I let it go?

So many questions for a quiet little bird today. Perhaps if I let some of this out I will make room for an answer. Who can say.

Goodness, such a serious ramble today. I'm longing for one that brings out the fun side of me. For an inspiration that draws out the less serious side of my character. It seems to have been in hiding far too long. I miss it.