voxelectronica

My private life isn't exactly always private. It isn't exactly well hidden either. I've gone as far as I can with my sob story to my vanilla friends and decided that at some point, no matter how silly I feel about it that i should flesh it out.

I remember when i was younger that I wanted to play Dominant roles. That I wanted to experience that and being a kinky 15 year old it wasn't hard for me to find that. The down side to experimenting especially at that age is that you end up experimenting with someone who may know even less than you. So my first encounter with being Dominant ended in a bit of a bloody accident. Everyone kept their limbs and life and I'm sure the young man is well over it by now.

I retreated from the idea that I could ever be Dominant. The idea itself became repulsive to me as if I had formed some scar tissue around it.

Then I met him. In the most unlikely of places a video game. Though I guess that really helped. He would never stop talking to me no matter how much I put him down and picked on him. He would fallow me around in game like a puppy while I insulted him none stop. So when i found a collar in game i thought it was only fitting his character wear it. I insulted him some more, tormented him, told him if he insisted on following me like a dog he should be outfitted as one.

Then it happened... he put it on and has had his character kneel in front of me. Completely out of my element i gave him odd commands and requests in game and he fallowed suit. Finally we just started talking and the truth came out. He followed me because of how I insulted him.

I was engaged at the time, to someone who played the game with us. Though i respect the man i was engaged to a lot even to this day, he was vanilla. This spark of kink made me feel alive and me suddenly in a dominant role? My head swimmed and my heart soon enough did swoon.

It wasn't long before I was collecting pictures of the real life boy doing really dirty things. When he failed at tasks I would call him to listen to him, punishing himself. This of course wore thin on my real life relationship but there I was holding onto the dirtiest little secret of all time and I couldn't let go.

I got a chance to visit him. Spent a few days with him and was horribly petrified. The reluctant Dom. When he drove me to the airport he wasn't the least bit disappointed. Was hopeful that one day we would be together and we could learn together. He knew what I had in me and he longed for it. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

I wont make excuses for what i did next. Sure the stress of my life, my failing relationship, my grandmother dying, my mother having terminal cancer... etc. was great. I lost so much that year but sometimes the hardest thing I dealt with was walking away from him. I needed something familiar. My fiance waiting to pick me up at the airport was a pillar of strength for me.

Getting back with him may have been the worse mistake I've made. I often hope that one day I can realize that I wasn't in love with just my sub as a person but that I was in love with the submission. That I can move on. That one day i can look at a sub and not see him.

It's always the first pain that lingers.

(I've so just outed myself as the closeted goth girl... great.)