Atrum Visum

In a previous post I declared that I do not want to get old. That remains true.

It then occurred to me that I needed to take a look at where I am in both my life and my station in the BDSM lifestyle.

This requires a bit of background.

I was introduced into the lifestyle almost by accident. I was a 20 something, young stud in a university town, who was living life large. I was typical. Parties, clubs, etc. etc. This was in the middle 70's, the world of disco, heavy metal and lots of what we now consider classic rock. (You know you are old when the music you listened to in your youth and your parents thought was going to be the end of society is now used as cover music for commercials.)

I was introduced through my job, to a woman almost twice my age. She was attractive, well off, a professional in her own right, and she saw in me something that I wasn't aware of. We began a casual relationship and somewhere along the way, she introduced me to the world of BDSM. At this time, before the internet, the BDSM community was much different than it is today. It was much more traditional. I was more structured, more controlled and much more closed. One did not simply decide that they were dominant and set up shop. It was necessary to be introduced to a group by someone already established in the group. It was necessary to serve what amounted to an internship to be accepted. If one aspired to be a recognized Dominant/Master, it was necessary to serve a time as a submissive under the tutelage of a recognized Dominant. After a time you were allowed to operate as a Dominant with a submissive who was experienced. At some point, you were welcomed into the community and recognized. You had earned your leathers.

Much has changed in the community. Traditions have gone away and there is no longer the closed communities and restricted access that there once was. I observed the demise of this as the internet grew, as chat rooms and internet messaging systems became more prevalent. The community became more open, more accessible and more accepting. But, it opened itself to abuses and, as it became more mainstream, a dilution of the tightly knit community that existed.

In my 40 years in the lifestyle, I have had three collared submissives. The first was the woman who brought me into the lifestyle. I trained with her and when I had achieve my leathers she assented to wear my collar for a time. We parted when she received a promotion and was required to move to a different city. She remained a dear friend for many years.

I did not keep a submissive for several years after that. I then began a relationship that started causally online and over the course of several years evolved until we took it real time. We managed a distance real time relationship for several years. This relationship ended when this woman developed an aggressive cancer and passed away within months of her diagnosis. To be quite frank, this was a devastating loss.

I retreated. I did litlte more in the lifestyle for many years other than remain in contact with old friends, follow events and changes online, and try to keep myself at least in tune to the lifestyle.

Then, I retired. I left behind a lot of my activities and interests. About 18 months into this I came to the conclusion that I was doing nothing but marking time until I simply quit living and began dieing. It was a shock. I began to make changes. One of these was to reconnect into the lifestyle and this was mostly by coming back to a place that I had once found to be a home, the Library. I found it much changed and diminished. Not withstanding that I came back, tried to fit back in and tried to reconnect.

Sometime during this process I met a young woman who relit the fires of life and excitement in me. I rediscovered myself. I found a new desire to be involved and active and to recapture some of the things that I so missed.

So today I find myself, at age 62, excited about living life again. I find that I am no longer content to simply sit and wait. I now look forward to new challenges. I anticipate experiencing much of what I thought was in the past.

I know where I want to go and what I want to do. I have a vision of a different kind of life than I anticipated just a few months ago. I am moving forward. not just stalled and waiting for the end.

So here I am today. Still 62 years old. But a different 62 years old.

Thank you My Lady. I love you.

TDS