lorem angelum

It has been a while since I posted here, this is where I found myself and got my feet under me with the help of so many. I feel sad that I have drifted and so have they, but life is funny that way and we move on to become what we are meant to be. I have not forgotten anyone and pop in from time to time hoping to catch them here. I hope all my friends have had a wonderful New Year and a great holidays. May the coming of this New Year bring you all you desire and could wish for....la

I have to say this last year has been like a roller coaster, a wild ride that took my breath away in one instant then plunged my stomach to my knees in fear the next. I found myself in a way I had not previously known, this person I had inside of me and I lost myself in a way that is indescribable. My happiness has risen to the heights of heaven and my sadness plunged me as low as the depths of hell. I let go of the person who I pretended to be all those years and became the person I always was deep inside. I found someone who I thought completed me, but in the end realized that I had to complete myself. Inside I had to take the time and patience to truly find the one who was willing to make sacrifices so that when we finally come together… we are one whole person. I don’t have any regrets about all that I gave and it helped me to realize I have so much more inside of me that someday I will give again, willingly, to the one deserving of my mind, body and soul.
I have made true friends and ones that deserted me at the first sign of strife. I have found a family, one that accepts all of me and where I can be myself without recriminations. I have a freedom and openness inside myself that was not previously there. To rejoice and not be ashamed off all my wants and desires, but to reach out for them with greedy hands and a bright smile. I have shied away from many things, but found the strength to push past my insecurities… to push my boundaries and fly like never before. I have had the help of so many, the ones there from the beginning and wonderful, new friends I have made these past months. They have all become the family of my heart. They have taken the time, willingly, to educate, encourage and just be there should I need an ear or helping hand. How can you explain how much it means to have people there who understand what you are going through??? People who have been there themselves and are, willing, day or night to help you understand the emotions going on inside of you.
I give many thanks for those who have helped me through hell, they lifted me up and gently cradled me in their arms. Some don’t understand how much it means to have a shoulder, an ear or even just a loving touch to heal all that can be broken inside of you. I am truly blessed in the friends I have made this last year and I hope to return in some small part the love, support and understanding they have given me. For I believe in life you should always give back to those who gave to you, it is a circle that never ends and when completed a beautiful loop that shines brightly for everyone to see.
So the New Year is upon me and I look forward to pushing myself further, to helping others as they help me, to see all the beauty in the giving of oneself and not the shame as society would want us too. I will step forward into a bright future and leave all the darkness of the previous year behind me. I am no longer that person, I am still me, but a stronger, wiser and wee more cautious me. I know now there is no rush, no hurry to be WHO I AM and I won’t let anyone push me into being who THEY think I need to be. I look forward to spending time with friends, whether in standing straight besides them or tied up at their feet…*grin*. I traipse forward towards a red ass, bruises, ropes, laughs, tears, happiness, sadness and knowing that in the end…..no matter how this next year turns out….those decisions made will have all been MINE.