jem

It’s funny how coming to a place like this provides you with a forum for the inner voice. Words that have been locked away for days, months and even years find a way of being expressed and shared. Why? NO IDEA!!!! In looking around I found I was drawn to the journeys people talk about and the lives they lead now. I was really interested. The words were genuine and heartfelt. Free and moving. I reflected and thought of things people, both online and in my vanilla life have said to me. "You are TOO private, Jem". "You try to hard to be perfect". "It's ok to make mistakes, Jem". I hide, I fear and I hope. I do so privately with genuine respect for all I meet. I guess some find this hard to understand - maybe because I have never talked candidly. No one has to read it, for me it is about the writing not the reading.......does that make me selfish????? Oh well so be it...selfish and self-indulgent. I am sure that will be addressed if needed.

I have always thought about serving others. It is what I feel most comfortable with. I didn’t, like so many others, understand it when I was younger but as I became older and more aware, I realised I was not alone and the feelings I was hiding and ashamed of, where things I could explore and embrace. I met some people in my local community who shared the world of BDSM (gotta love the internet!) I learnt about the feelings I had suppressed and realised I could explore these. That, I think, was one of the times I was happiest. Knowing it was ok to be like me. Knowing I could and would be accepted. I guess I have always needed that. Always craved the blessing of others.

I learnt much by attending munches and playing real time with friends and life style Doms. I grew in confidence and realised the more I acted up the more attention I got. What I didn’t realised was that sometimes the attention was actually NOT ok. That it was bordering on abuse. I found one Dom – who I had known for sometime, who had intrigued me in his silence and control and I guess my exploration of the lifestyle began to grow with him. I had done the unfulfilling play. The laughter and adventure of learning about the lifestyle was fun but it missed something I craved. I wanted to belong. I wanted to be owned, loved, cherished and dominated. I needed more than play and craved that fulfilment with such ferociousness, I left myself vulnerable.

My silent Dom was interested in me! He was untouchable! I felt like a teenager (I was 31!) He and I chatted – well he chatted and I did that really embarrassing giggly thing. Eventually he invited me to play and I was stunned and so excited I wanted to burst. He had another and we had discussed her in this equation but he was so sure of himself and so confident and I was so taken by him everything seemed ok, plausible, real. We played happily for a while but I had become close to another through online chat. For a while I was being guided and supported by a friend online whilst actively playing and serving in my real/offline world.

I am not stupid; I have a degree and have a job with responsibility etc. I was, however, on this occasion blind. So blind that one night I went to The silent Dom’s knowing I was in trouble for some issue (so small now I don’t recall it) and I was beaten so badly I ended up having to go to the doctors and being treated for the open weeping cuts to my feet caused by an angry Dom who saw revenge as a punishment. For weeks I had to go to the doctors and have my feet dressed and cleaned. I could hardly walk and along with the other bruises, cuts and mental scars I became lost and frightened. The BDSM community I loved were no longer something I could trust. I looked online and found that very special person who had been by my side throughout all my exploration, was still there, still wanting to protect and help me. I leaned hard on him and through patience and friendship learnt to trust again.

I never really thought you could love a person you hadn’t physically met. I now know that is wrong. I love a number of people I have met online. I have some of the truest of friends without whom I wonder how I would have got to where I am now.

Alongside the horrific events of my self-discovery I had another cruel twist of tragedy thrown at me. My niece of 4 years old was diagnosed with a brain tumour and was critically ill. She had fought it off once. She was doing well and then a tumour returned. It was everyone’s worst nightmare. My beautiful little niece was diagnosed with a terminal illness. She sadly lost her fight for her life. Daisy died having fought her illness for 2 years. i feel sad, angry, guilty.......but determined. More determined than ever to appreciate the value of life, friends and family. My brother and his wife had to sacrifice almost everything to be there for her for as as the little treasure tried to fight. I made the only choice I could in this situation and took in my 2 nephews to live with me. They needed stability and continuity. This could not be offered for obvious reasons by their parents and I had always had an amazing bond with them, so I did what needed to be done. They now also have returned home. Do I miss them..........like I lost three children that day. It's hard to love sometimes. Hard but well worth it.

Taking in my nephews had yet another impact on my discovery and journey to submission. I became a lot less open, offered less and less of myself. Not because I am secretive or so emotionally detached from others that I couldn’t share but because I didn’t want to be a burden on any one. My friends both on and off line are wonderful in supporting me. I am lucky. I have faced some horrific events along my journey this last few years but I chose to allow them to make me stronger. I chose to provide stability and love to offer support and selflessness to 2 beautiful (if not spirited) boys – until they were back where they needed and deserved to be.

Many people who watch me in a do not know my story. They know Jem, the good girl. I am good. I do what I've been taught, to be the submissive I am. I honour those with respect, with my actions and words. I do want to be jem, the good girl. I am private. I am because I never want to burden those I care about. I do not think I am better than anyone else and I don’t EVER want people to feel sorry for me. As for making mistakes. I know it is ok to do so. I would just prefer to strive for perfection. My biggest mistake will be changing what I am, what I am proud to be. I am grateful for the wonderful times I am being allowed to share with my nephews. I am loyal. I am supportive and giving and I am growing - blossoming each day. I am grateful for each new adventure and look forward to the new direction in this journey. Smiles. I am Jem, may have taken a while to let you know the real me but….. Very pleased to meet you. *Smiles*