DowntownAmber

It occurred to me tonight that if I were to author a blog, that's what I would call it. I have a lot of time, at night, a LOT of time.

Tonight, I am thinking about perspective.

J used to tell me that I am a "highly sexual" individual. The comment baffled me, to be quite honest. I am comfortable with most aspects of my sexuality these days, I embrace that side of me and do adore dabbling in the kinky and extreme. However, minus a sexual partner, I'm really okay without. I was a ways into my twenties before I ever gave up my virginity, and seven or so years later it still takes barely over a hand's worth of fingers to count up all of my partners.

I'm not exactly out notching the belt of a sexual gunslinger here, so what gives?

Separated from J, the thought of another partner frankly makes me twinge a little - it's been years since I've been with anyone else and I've really no desire to. Yet, I found myself oddly alert walking through the parking lot to my friend TimberV's studio this evening. I was very aware of myself, very in tune to sounds and to smells, a hyper-awareness that rarely kicks in under normal circumstances.

We met in the hallway and embraced as we always do; I burying my face in his neck and hanging on, relaxing in the comfort of his arms around me and the warmth on the surface of his skin, his smell and the sound of his voice. I don't really hug Timber so much as wrap up around him, and it occurred to me that the way we touch and interact does seem oddly sexual for a straight woman and her gay friend.

But therein lies the rub for me, and the cloudy perception for others, I suppose - I don't see it so much sexual as I do sensual. I am, VERY MUCH SO, an EXTREMELY sensual person.

The way I eat my food as if it were a social event of high order, how I taste a drink, my habit of reaching out and petting interesting fabrics as I pass them in a clothing store and the way I see colors and shapes when I hear a spoken word - I'm an Epicurean and a sensualist and this extends very much into how I interact with people.

I have no desire to sleep with Timber, no secret hope for a romantic relationship, but I relish the physical connection and what that entails between he and I. It seems a natural way to express myself with him, it seems a natural way to receive affection back. I have a strong desire to have a session with him, to feel that further.

Perspective.

Mine is becoming more clear.