hoosakitty

Here I stand at the precipice of what will always be. Your words are stones in my heart, weighing heavy…but it has become an accepted burden…one I will never part with. You are not here, but I know what you expected of me…what you told me to do…and I have finally resigned myself to the accomplishment of the purpose you had in mind. Although it was intended to be for both of us in the flesh, the substance of what is spirit will have to do.

The chains are still strong, my Dragon…shining ...

It was another day of mourning. It seems there is always one last detail to deal with and accept concerning the loss of him. Today, it was my daughter, who I had not told, wanting to spare her the hurt for as long as possible. Today, it could not be avoided. She was concerned because he had not written her...items he had promised her had not arrived…he had disappeared from my conversation…she knew something was wrong. Her tears were as pained as my own when I revealed the details of his passing. ...

It has been a while now. The habit of looking for your messages has lessened….if only a little. I have reconciled with the fact that you will no longer answer my calls. The desperation has subsided to longing. I have refused to look at your words for several weeks now…if only for self-preservation. No more do I write to you daily, filling your inbox with sorrow and anger that will one day be deleted by some automated demon…unread.

But I still hear your voice….sometimes a whisper…other ...

More memories…specifically of this summer when so much changed. You telling me about your fishing trips…sending me silly cat pics when I was completely stressed. Encouraging me in my plans….all the selflessness that defined you. Even in your final message to me…telling me not to be sad and to never regret…that you didn’t want to be forgotten.

As if I could ever forget you.

I realized what a journey it was…beginning with passionate obsession that flamed, and ending ...

i was looking through memories today and found a note you sent me several years ago. All we went through…all the changes, good and bad. It hurt to read the words, but the smile came anyway. You encouraged me, mentored me…took care of me through so many things. Most of all you loved me, and i don’t think i appreciated you nearly enough. You always thought i was crazy to save all our words and conversations…but i think now you might understand. They are not all i have of you…your gifts through the ...

Now you lay in the roses…this is fitting. Beauty and thorns together describe you perfectly. I refuse to consider you gone…you and I were too close for me to even consider harboring such thoughts. I will continue on as if you were still here…because you are. You told me that you didn’t want me to be sad…so I won’t…because you are not gone. I will ramble and quote you in nonsensical prose…because you will read it. I will NOT water those roses with my tears….because you cannot possibly be there.

Some things you can’t be prepared for. Some things sneak into your life and rip your heart right out of your chest before you even know it’s there. Some things are unfair and hurt you in places you didn’t even know you had. Love…Death…they have become synonymous. More than words, they are the wailings of the soul and the substance of tears. These words…these elements…tear through our lives, only to leave us behind with sweet memories and emptiness. Neither can they be contained in one body, but ...

I saw a dry leaf fly across the snow today, and somehow it reminded me of You. I pondered the symbolism…the lost, but not forgotten…the promise of another season...a fluttering token of yesterday…

Maybe it was the knowledge that the warm, brown earth was still there…somewhere…Your smell, Your skin, the roughness of Your hands…hidden from me just beneath the cold white. The heated whisper of your breath in my ear, encapsulated in that single token of a faraway summer. Life…the life ...

I don’t want to be free…

I don’t want to make these choices…

I don’t want to be caught up in this wind that has overtaken me, scattering me like so many leaves…the chaos of not…belonging.

How many times did I cry out? Until my voice was an offense to my own ears…until I was ashamed of my own pleading and need…until the voices in my head whispered impossibilities that I could not refute.

Still…He did not hear…the echoes of my voice consumed ...

i walked through memories today…the good, and the bad. i’m fortunate to have loved, and to have been loved. My regrets are no longer viewed as such, and i embrace them as the learning of an imperfect being. It took me a while, and, as usual, i got lost inside of myself and brooded…will I ever be able to process things in any other way?

Accepting the present is not an easy thing…i wished for different. But i will accept it anyway, even if i do occasionally stomp a defiant foot. More ...